I sat on the edge of my bed. On the very cusp of thirty. Exhausted. With a deep knowing I was at the end of myself.
It was the beginning of Him. I had no idea where I was headed at that point in my life almost 5 years ago...I just knew I was at the end of me.
Thus began the beginning of Him.
This God. This great big beautiful God. He loves me. Yes. Oh how He loves me in a very David Crowder feeling way. Yet. He is God. He longs for more in me.
It's not just about His extension of grace. After all, He is just and He craves righteousness towards Him.
The end of my self-fullness is the beginning of His self-invasion.
I'm reading "Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream" by David Platt and I don't mind telling you it's wrecking me heart and soul.
God has been working on my psyche for about 9 months now. Swirling about in my heart issues, my theologies, my addictions to "stuff" and "safety" and "control".
I'm just starting to get it. It comes with a price. A price I'm finally willing to pay. Because the price I must pay to not walk in discipleship is far too high.
So tonight I find myself in a hotel room, alone (hallelujah!). I am roused from a deep sleep by the phone that rings with fresh problems. Issues to solve. And I have a moment.
"A sit on the side of the bed" moment. I think to myself. I wish someone were here to share this with me. To help me. In this exact moment, I'm lonely.
I speak it aloud. He responds "You're not alone. I'm here."
Peace be still. And just like that I realize no matter the price I pay...it will never be too high to have THIS with HIM.
I don't know what my continued redemption and calling to Christ will cost me. I don't mean to imply that being single is my price. I don't believe that. But I do believe that in the moments I try to build ANY idol to substitute Him as supreme lover, supplier, friend, redeemer, and master in my life then I am forced with a choice to take the step and pay that price. Or lose Him and pay a price that will ultimately lead to my salvation and life lost. Sometimes it seems the price to pay to walk with Him is steep...lonely...so intentional...but once the price is made...and most often totally opposite of the "American dream"...I find that it was only in the action of the making of the choice that the price was steep. Because in the walking that follows the choice...He is there with me...I am not alone.
Ramblings of a Redheaded Hippie God Lover I know...but I'm so overwhelmed at this great big redemptive God of mine...it makes me all fluttery and "veclempt" like a young school girl trippin' on her braces and gangly legs.
Following will cost you. It's just up to us what you're willing to pay. And to whom you will pay it.
Grace N Peace,