Welcome to My Royally Wrecked Space to Chill...

I hope you find comradery...I hope you find peace....I hope you find joy...I hope you find acceptance...I hope you feel loved...I hope you know that your are precious...chosen...and always welcome here...come sit a spell...

Saturday, October 11, 2014


This year has been gloriously rough. I went into this year thinking..."I am the crap." True story. Full disclosure: I've been through some really dumb not fair stuff but I've always survived. Maybe not the least psychotic when I did...but still survived and could post Facebook pics with a ginormous smile on my face to prove it. I am ONE COURAGEOUS BRAVE CONQUERING CHICK. Which allowed me to believe I had come to the crossroads of being a tiny bit superior and All-knowing. Boom.

I really truly believed all this about myself. Don't get me wrong I don't walk around town thinking to myself how incredibly awesome I am...it's more of a subliminal knowing that shows up in glances at the less knowing, thoughts of "bless your heart" to the less evolved, and "really? You didn't know that?" to the less educated. Yep. I admit it. You don't even know you're doing it until someone calls you out and even then you privately think "They know they are wrong and the poor dear now have to blame you for their insecurity and inadequacy." Don't look away you know you do it too.

My mom says I'm a "runner". When people get too much I like to cut my losses. (Nothing like all my awesome FB posts huh?) She's counseled me loads of times in the last 10 years about sticking power...about entitlement...about my bratiness...and when it gets where I can no longer deny it...I shake my head and say..."I know. I know."
I'm incredibly high minded with ridiculous aspirations...for everyone. It's exhausting quite frankly. Which takes us back to 2014...

I really breezed into this year full of thoughts that I was TOTALLY evolved....totally secure....totally surrendered to God with no idolatrous notions...I TOTALLY HAD THIS. Life would come and go...but my inner peace, fortitude, and Zen never would. Wrong. Oh. So. Wrong.
This year has JACKED ME UP. I've had to confront myself with the same freakin' lesson. Over and Over Again: People. Programs. Promises. Academics. Family. Friends. ARE NOT YOUR SAVIOR NOR ARE YOU THEIRS.

I am utterly and completely capable of failing. Big. Time. And by failing I mean the snot nose...roll around in Oreo crumbs with dirty hair failure. Sad part is the failure leads me further into the entitlement: "If THEY can pass that exam WHY THE CRAP DIDN'T I?" "I'm doing MORE than anyone in this family and NO ONE GETS IT."

Don't mistake...I am pretty humble...I'm a hippie at heart. I do regard everyone the same. BUT. Inwardly...I feel I have the upper hand. Some would say this is "self-esteem". I say it's suicide. Because "I am better and bigger than ____ (Insert your demon)" is really, truthfully "I am better and bigger than God and His sovereignty. My self-reliance is total idolatry that continues to kill me one unlearned failure at a time."  Which leads right back to the subliminal thought process: I am better, stronger, and have more to offer than others. Which is always rooted in SHAME, INSECURITY, AND DISPLACED WORTH.

Hence, why I continue to go right back to my feelings and reactions and allow them to determine my days rather than go back to the source of all there is and allow Him to guide my days.

I've mused on this lately (yes...I know...shocking that I muse) and I've determined this cycle leads to two major lessons that I continue to have to re-learn:

1. If I continue to rely on others and their approval, encouragement, and acceptance to determine my worth and the outcome of my day...I WILL BE FOREVER MISERABLE. If I only celebrate life when there are no fights over the budget with my husband, when my friends call to remind me how INCREDIBLY AWESOME I REALLY AM, or I make straight A's on all exams...I WILL NEVER. EVER. EVER Have a good week again. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. Because this...this is life. And I can't speak for yours but mine gets downright torturous sometimes with all the responsibility and chaos. But life also surprises me day in day out with snippets of divine loveliness that can only shine through cracked places...If I keep waiting to be happy because everyone in my world is...I will be waiting until His glorious return. No. Thank. You.

2. If I continue to "live in my feelings" I'm going to run, destroy, hide from, or shut off relationships, opportunities, experiences, and God ordained lessons. I've started a new mantra for myself. I say it multiple times a day: "Amanda: Your feelings lie to you. ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW WITH YOUR LOAD. Don't listen to them. Listen to God and otherwise BE FREAKIN' STILL." I have already recited it three times today (Don't you feel so superior to me now? I'm here for ya babe). Because here's the reality: Whether my feelings are correct, fair, or not correct...dwelling in them and allowing them to control my mind and choices do nothing but paralyze my days and my life. Placing them in perspective and realizing that some things won't or can't change for whatever reason (I mean do you see exams going away in Nursing School? Or families never needing more money? Didn't think so.) allows me to table them, accomplish what needs to be accomplished, and sets myself and others free to dwell in the present and allow the situation to unfold. And furthermore...who do I think I am to think that what He has supplied is not enough? (OOH. That was good yawl. Shaba) 

What I mean by unfold is this: LET GOD BE IN CONTROL. When I dwell in my mind and try to solve everything...I take God out of my equation and place _____ (Insert person, place, thing, desire) in the place of God. Not cool. Not helpful. Incredibly self-destructive. I ought to know...I've taken this test at LEAST 50 times in the last 20 years and apparently I need to go back and study the material again.

Longest story ever short: If you started out thinking you're the crap only to realize you're not and "WHAT?" You're not alone. Don't look at all my FB posts and think I have achieved internal enlightenment, a divinely unique perfect marriage, two blissful cherubs that think I am the best mother ever, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and a perfect dent less derriere....CAUSE I HAVEN'T. AT ALL. You're in good screwed up company. All we can keep doing is showing up. Telling our partners "You're right. I'm not better than you. I'm wrong." Studying harder when we overshot our intellectualism and failed the exam. Crawling back to God when we literally placed someone else on a pedestal in his place. Climbing into the word to reveal the stillness in the chaos. And pie. Lot's and lots of Key Lime Pie. It's the only way.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Be a wildflower...

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?" Matthew 6:30-33

I've read this passage many many times. One of my favorites...something new always speaks to me.

Today's was a doozy.

"-most of which are never seen."

I remember being 24, married into an religiously influential family, and crafting myself to be "one of them". It was all out of good intention. I wanted to know God. I wanted what they seemed to have. I emulated, changed, stretched, but most of all...desired to be seen. Noticed. Given my share.

Looking back, I see how hard I strived. How hard I wrestled with who I really was with who I thought I needed to be. No one asked it of me. I asked it of myself because I was caught in the trap of desiring identity.

Fast forward 14 years, two divorces later, many good good times, many bad bad times...I get it. Those accolades I desired did come...but they came within my home. In the form of handwritten notes scratched out on construction paper from little girls who lived in the trenches with me. They came in the guise of text messages from my Daddy and Momma randomly saying "You rock. We get you. We're proud." They came in the guise of other women who contacted me in secret saying "I'm lost. I don't know where to step. How did you do it?"

I found these words and gestures kind, uplifting, generous even...but I did not allow them to give me identity (except for those construction paper ones...) I found my identity in the moments where it was silent. Just me. Just Him. There were no cheerleaders. There were no "good jobs". These moments where I sat...being still...and being flooded with "you are loved, you are loved, here is your identity."

Identity handed to me in the form of nail scarred hands, difficulties, sunlit days, dark nights, calm in the midst of storms, power in the midst of weakness, joy in the midst of mourning, love in the midst of aloneness.

I couldn't ask for a greater identity.

This is what Jesus was saying in this passage. We fret and worry and try to create ourselves into great people with great things to say...all the while...the Kingdom of God says "What makes you who are is like the wildflower...beautiful...wild...free to grow anywhere under any conditions...WHERE NO ONE MIGHT INHABIT OR NOTICE YOU. Yet you are beautiful."

The greatness of this identity is this: No matter where I am. No matter what field I'm growing in. No matter if it's in the midst of the most beautiful place where others walk by and say "Look at that! How gorgeous is that one?" or in the field that no one even knows exists...I'm still serving a purpose. I'm still at peace. Loved. Cherished. FULL.

I can't describe it until you find it...and you will.

When you do...don't sell it out for the other side. Stick with the field you meant to bloom in. Whether or not you ever hear a word about the beautiful flower you are...stay present where you're placed and enjoy the sunshine. It's an infinitely better life than the one you've been chasing. I promise you.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Monday, July 28, 2014

I am a failure. But I am enough.

I look in the mirror at the woman staring back at me. Dark purple lines under her eyes from days of sleepless nights. Wrinkled brow. All I see in her eyes is fear.

I stop. I take a good look straight into those eyes...making myself face myself. Then breathe. I begin to brush my teeth and go over the answers to the exam in my head. Again.

I had failed. Twice. On an exam that requires 90% within 3 tries or I fail out of RN school. I was devastated. Frustrated. Humbled.

Today was the third try.  I told no one.

I pull my scrubs on, run fingers through my hair and prepare to walk out the door into the sunshine and unknown.

My husband meets me at the door and looks straight into my eyes. Same eyes that I had just gazed into...I knew what they held. He didn't say a word...just held me in that gaze and communicated "you are enough" with his eyes.

These same eyes he had looked upon me with a week earlier as he pulled my chin up dripping with tears and shaking head...words tumbling out "I don't fail. I can't do this. I can't fail." and pulled my eyes to his gaze and said "Whatever happens, we'll be ok. You are not failing anyone."

I had looked away as he held my face in his hands. Ashamed. Lost in the failure of the moment.

But he had not looked away. He held my gaze. Made me see myself as he saw me. Enough.

Fast forward back to today...I held his gaze, walked out the door and drove towards my future. I had prepared. I knew the material. I also had been up all night with beating chest...skin on fire like I was coming unglued...and shaking. Anxious. Fearful. Exhausted.

As I began to drive I rehearsed what I knew...but this time about who I am. What I have. Who made me. And as it had happened each day prior to this day for the last week, a calm settled over me...a knowing...you are enough. Should you fail...you are enough. Should you pass...you are enough. Should you go home today empty handed...you are enough.
I leaned into it and began to unwind. Hands that had shaken for 24 hours...stilled. Heart that had raced for days...beat rhythmically...smoothly. Mind that had raced since the last failing...slowed...became clear.

I began to sing within my mind...It is well...It is well in my soul.

As I pull into the parking lot my phone dings and it's my husband..."Stay calm during the test. No matter what happens we'll be ok."

I knew it would be.

I passed. 94%.

I was surprised when I walked out that I didn't feel more overwhelmed with hyperactivity as I normally do during these situations...when it hit me...you already knew the outcome. You knew you were enough. You knew you were in good hands.

I stepped into my car and sat...whispering thanks to my best friend..."you really held me today God. Your peace really does pass my understanding." I thought back to the eyes I had stared into earlier that morning...mine first...then the eyes of my partner...one saying you are not enough...the other saying you are MORE than enough...and it came to me in that sunlit car...

This was a perfect representation of grace...of the Gospel. We look at ourselves and all we cannot do. All we cannot seem to be. All we cannot force to happen. Then He pulls our chins up dripping with tears and failure...eyes veering to the side ashamed to look into His...and He says...you are enough. Failing. Falling. Gaining. Losing. You are enough. My grace is sufficient for you.

Very simple thought I know. But I needed to write it so when I begin to veer my eyes to the left again and believe the purple lines instead of His gaze...I will be reminded of this day. It is well because He makes me enough.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I'm livin' in the wasteland...

by NeedToBreathe
I am the first one in line to die
When the cavalry comes
Yeah it feels like the great divide
has already come
Yeah im wastin' my way through days
losing youth along the way
Oh if God, is on my side
Oh if God, is on my side
Oh if God, is on my side
Who could be against me?
There was a greatness I felt for a while
But somehow it changed
Some kind of blindness I used to protect me
From all of my stains
Yeah I wish this was vertigo
It just feels like I'm fallin' slow

 Oh if God, is on my side
Then who can be against me?
Yeah in this wasteland
Where I'm livin'
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it's all that
I need to get by
Yeah in this wasteland
Where I'm livin'
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it's all that
I need to shine
All of these people I meet
It seems like they're fine
Yeah in some ways I hope that they're not
And their hearts are like mine
Yeah its wrong when it seems like work
To belong, All I feel is hurt
Oh if God, is on my side
Yeah if God, is on my side
Oh if God, is on my side
Who could be against me?
I cannot begin to say how much I connect with the lyrics. I've always loved NEEDTOBREATHE. But when I turned this on last week I instantly felt at home. I know reading the lyrics one might feel depressed...hopeless in a fog...but for me, it's actually quite the opposite.
You see...I'm living in the wasteland.
It's a weird, dry, dusty place this wasteland. It's fraught with frailty, pain, blisters, vulnerability, weakness, and really bad character. But on the other side it's wrapped in joy, fulfillment, authenticity, realization, and love. It's strange, exhausting, and liberating.
Walking through the wasteland is stripping me of my pedestal, my "I'm not one of you", my strength, my judgements, my borders, my filter...and swapping those with what I thought I was not capable of... (good and bad) for what I am indeed capable of...
I've find this period of my life to be the most physically challenging of all seasons within my life.
I'm toast. Which means I'm filter less. Raw. Unable to hold back the darkness within my own heart or the light that shows through the cracks. It's unnerving. Because when you're stripped bare, you can't fake. You can't wrap your cardigan tighter and make others believe you're still warm and cozy...because you are so obviously standing there shivering...appalled at your own nakedness but there's not a stitch of clothing in sight...so you remain...for all to see...including yourself...and it's unnerving...
I've come to the realization in the last 4 months that I am capable. Capable of many things. Good. Bad. In between. But the most revealing...I'm capable of being JUST LIKE everyone else. Those I've judged. Those I've admired. Those I've scorned in years gone by. Those I've wanted to emulate. Those I thought I was above...It's by far the most confusing place I've walked. And yet...it is confirmation of the soul.
The wrong choices. The right choices. The skint knees. The beautiful sprint. The love. The brutality. The failure. The endurance. They all confirm what I truly never really grasped about myself: I AM HUMAN. I AM FLESH AND BONE. And flesh and bone is a messy, scary, glorious, no road map thing to be.
For as long as I can remember I've rallied under the belief that I am STRONG. Impenetrable. And to be transparent...a level above the norm. How infinitely funny that seems now and ridiculously Pharisee - ical. I never believed I was capable of scraping bottom and top at the same time. Living in glorious bliss while making daily mundane choices that I looked at others and thought to be "less than." Boy was I ever so wrong. I'm human. SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!!! IIIIIIII AAAAMMMMMM HUMMMMANNNNN!!!!!
When you are living raw and devoid of rest...you enter a place where you cannot hide. You cry more. You cuss more. You appreciate the kindness of those who love you more. You appreciate others in the bull pen with you that are making the same mistakes and victories because it teaches you what you never really knew...YOU. ARE. CAPABLE.
Capable of love and lust. Capable of generosity and stinginess. Capable of holiness and paganism. Capable of joy and angst. Capable of feast and famine. Capable of sainthood and sin. It is a dichotomy at it's best; Capability.
You find yourself living on scraps of God and realizing that for now it's enough. You swim out too far then you swim back to the shore. You become glutinous on pleasures swelling with idolatry then you begin running the long marathon of the spiritual soul again...gasping for air because you are SO FREAKIN' TIRED...yet something within you screams one more mile...one more stride...
Interestingly enough, this place is not a bad one..It's a revelatory one. When I can no longer tell myself that I am not any different from those I've judged, avoided, turned away from, or clung too...I am free to love. Free to accept. Free to realize that we are ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. One screwed up, floundering school of humanity, that day in, day out will need a Savior.
We're swimming some days in shallow pools, others in deep oceans. Treading water sometimes, back stroking the next. We fall below the surface and see God's glorious beauty some days, then others sink to the bottom of murky waters where we cannot see our hand in front of our face. This. This is life.
This is what Glennon Doyle refers to as the "Brutiful" life. Life is a big ol' beautiful, brutal mess. And the quicker we realize there are no "classes" of humanity...that we are all capable of the exact same sins and sophistications...we become one. It's the only way.
Every day I get up I am happy. And downright sick of living this way. I am in love with my life. And I hate many moments of it. Dichotomy. We will ALWAYS live in the in between and anyone that tells you differently is a complete, bold, face liar.
But I'm finding it is the living in between that takes away our toys and trophies and hands us our trajectories...our God spoken trajectories...again...it is the only way...
If we are to be authentic and dependent...We have to live capable. Plain and simple.
Capable of mayhem and majesty. Capable of greatness and guile. Capable of beauty and brutality.
Grace n Peace,
A ~

Monday, April 7, 2014

Careless in the care of God...


I dreamed all night. Crazy dreams. Dreams that worried. Not real worries. Fake crazy worries. I know when I begin to do this that there are several components going on in my life story:
  1. I am not rested. If I am dreaming and waking continuously all night it signals to me I'm not at peace and I'm subconsciously worried.
  2. I'm not in Shalom. Shalom envelopes and encourages. Worry denigrates and denounces joy. Vastly different.
  3. I'm crazy. There I said it. I'm just plain cray as the day is long.
All the above are true and no matter how I lie in bed ruminating and trying to evaluate the outliers...I will never figure it all out nor write the story. I'm not God. But I really, REALLY want to be.

Funny thing is...I don't worry and get anxious always over what we term "the big stuff"...I worry about totally inconsequential ridiculosity...Examples:

  1. My butt is dropping. OMG MY BUTT IS DROPPING. I'm in class 8 hours a day and I'm losing my awesome butt. How is it I'm not running 5 miles a day. I don't care that I have 40 hours of school a week and 40 hours of work a week and a husband (who I want to like my butt) and kids and spiritual life...I have to be perfect. I have to keep up my body else I will be less than...(as she jumps out of bed to start squats)
  2. I don't know my children. OMG I DON'T KNOW MY CHILDREN...THEY WILL TURN INTO DRUG ADDICTS OR WORSE...MOTHER HATERS!!! I am teaching them perseverance and dream chasing but what they really need is for me to sit down and watch frozen with them completely unplugged with homemade cookies and hormone free milk. In fresh smelling of Gain fabric softner washed pajamas.
  3. I am failing at everything spiritual. I cussed. I thought really bad thoughts towards people I wanted to punch in the throat. I wanted to run. Far far away. OMG I WANTED TO WATCH MOVIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND EAT COTTON CANDY!!! I have hit rock bottom!!!
  4. I am the worst friend ever. OMG WHEN DID I LAST TALK TO MY FRIEND? What day is this? Do I have clean scrubs for tomorrow? I will have no friends by the time this year is over because I will have only talked to nursing students and patients!!!
See...I'm crazy. The list goes on and on but I cannot continuing sharing else you call Adult and child protective services for the sake of me and my family. Yet...in all the crazy...I'm finding something...

I'm turning inward. Not outward anymore.

A few years ago when these moments of self doubt and angst would begin, I would call my best...depend on them to reassure me that I was not failing...that I was not going over the edge. Now...I find I can sit with it all. I can say to myself..."You are having a crazy moment and none of this is legit. Nor is it real." Then the wonderful, meant to be thing happens...

I start talking to God.

I literally say to Him "Ok...this is SO dumb. But I'm worried about my butt dropping. I'm worried I don't have a silverware organizer. I'm worried of how I'm going to make this schedule work. I'm worried that my children don't know me this year. And God I know people are starving and poor and naked...but in my idolatrous self absorption...I'm feasting on these thoughts."

And I find...I no longer need to lean on someone else for reprieve from the nastiness that is my rumination crazy side. I find I'm leaning into the one who gives "attention to the appearance of wildflowers" and it's exactly what the purpose of all this is. HIM. ME. DEPENDENCE.

I must admit as I lean...the thoughts don't always go away. But, I also am realizing that's the process. The trite "journey". If I ever get to wear I'm no longer human and crazyfied...I fear I would plan, assess, conduct, organize, and unthink Jesus right on out of my life. Because I'm selfish. I'm self absorbed. I'm idolatrous. I would leave Him in my dust and keep on truckin'.

But with these thorns...no matter how scattered and ridiculous they may seem...I remain in need of a Savior. I need to be saved from my crazy. I need to be saved from myself. I need to be saved from societal expectations. I need daily deliverance.

And He brings it...right up to my breakfast, lunch, and dinner table. He sits with me and says again and again "Give your entire attention to me right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. I will help you deal with whatever hard things come up WHEN THE TIME COMES." (Paraphrased Mt. 6:34)

The word "worry" comes from an old English term wyrgan which means "to choke or strangle". (Anxious for Nothing by John MacArthrur Jr.) How appropriate. When I'm ruminating and studying all the outliers of my life, as redundant as this is, I strangle the absolute crap out of my "here and now" life. I realize I've spent the last four hours solving issues that have not and probably will not ever happen when I could have been fully present with my beautiful family. Enough Said.

Dependent. I am dependent upon a Savior. Today. Hopefully tomorrow. Dependent. Anti climatic I know. It would be so much more exciting and fun to say I'd found the perfect pill that makes it all shiny not whiney and hypnotism really does work...but alas...it's the age old truth I go back to...surrendering my independence for total dependence. Therein lies Shalom.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Conscious thought sharing and other musings during lecture...WHOOPS!

I've been doing my devotionals in class. During lecture. Which means: I'm not listening during lecture but I am trying to listen to God and my spirit. So...I guess that works.

In my readings and listening, I've been hearing a whisper...not a shout...just a gentle tapping on my soul's door to come back...to come back to a place of delight and delicious encounter...

I read about uttering thoughts throughout the day and whispering feelings as they come...I read about men and women I have been raised to behold in the scriptures as stoic, heroic perfect imitators of the faith and realize that they were utter failures at times in their lives as well...running from the author of their stories and foundations just like I do at times...and it comforts me...

I find I fail in being conscious...miserably...I over engage in getting it all done and under engage in submitting my heart to the story writer...or...I don't engage... and in fact merely survive...and survive only miserably...

Today I stepped back (in lecture) and started to reel in my heart (or at least try)...when I had a thought that felt big...or delicious...grand...or small...I tried really really hard to stop and share it with my story writer...it felt really really good.

Because here's the deal...God is going to write my story. With. Or without my involvement. So...I'd really like to be involved. It's so much more fun that way. I mean...who wants to hang out with their partner who never speaks to them? Who never reaches out to touch them? Who never even looks their way? NOT ME said the redhead. When that Cajun holds me and tells me what I mean to him...my whole world lights up like a frickin' July 4th in the south. How much more does God light up when we're lovin' on Him and sharing our days? Which...ultimately sharing our days are sharing our hearts. Epic.

So...tomorrow I'm gonna get after it and get too busy and screw up some more and really really focus again on sharing my story with the author...He's got such good hook lines...I don't wanna miss a thing...

Grace n Peace Yawl...

A ~

Thursday, March 20, 2014

I got nothin' yawl.

As I type this my daughter is dancing around my room in just her underwear with a monkey doll dressed in full garb including glasses, singing at the top of her lungs...I'm pretty sure I haven't peed all night alone and I might be losing my mind...
Such is life right?
I've been itching to write lately...it starts out as an itch then turns into a full blown rash that should I not scratch it I go insane...
But I ain't got nothin'.
I'm not loving life today. My husband is 500 miles away. My children....God love them...require raising...
Sleep? Doesn't that sound lovely with 5 am clinical risings...
My job is so stupid I want to scream...
I'm pretty sure I've had no real nutrition in weeks...and by God I want one day of unadulterated nothingness..

I want to feel deeply sorry for myself...It just feels SO right...Heck...I'm earning it during this season...

So I run and get taco bell for the children...run inside slam the bathroom door...run the water...climb in...ignore all calls...and cry...that ugly cry where you lay your head on the side of the tub and feel so sorry for yourself because you're life is so hard and you're so tired and NO ONE..not even those starving children in Africa are as crazed and spent as you...

Then I remember the line in my reading today..."Self-pity is a form of Self Righteousness..." Ugh. Blah. Shut. Up. Jesus. Yeah I said it. He knows I thought it...LET ME WALLOW.

I sit up straighter in the tub and try to cry some more but realize that I can't...because should I...I'm not giving my life away...I'm not surrendering fully to Him...I just can't do that...I can't NOT claw my way back to Him...

Bethel begins to sing..."...cause you are just a breath away" and I realize all over again...He really is.

I admit. Right now it's only a realization. I don't "FEEL" it...but I "KNOW" it...that's enough tonight...

I re-commit to be cool. To be grateful. And to stop and listen to LaLa through the wall talking and singing in a British accent at the top of her lungs...

Then I hug Syd and call my husband...

It ain't all bad yawl ;-)

Monday, February 17, 2014

Chill the crap out!

I take myself too seriously sometimes...
And by take myself too seriously I mean overanalyze things until they are beat to a bloody pulp in my head begging to be set free...to anywhere...other than my head...
When I get too busy or over run with duty, I forget to laugh at myself.
I forget to not be so serious about life.
I forget that it's all going to be ok. Because it is.

I sat on the stoop last night in the dark...just listening to the sounds...and He whispered..."It's going to be ok. I have you." I smiled.

I stepped inside and took nothing else seriously for the rest of the evening. It felt good.

I got up this am. Rushed. Attended to duty. Took an exam. Scored 10 points higher on this one than the last. Coincidence? I think not.

I am a free spirit. I thrive on open spaces, trees, family, Jesus, and loads of books. I don't thrive on stress, anxiety, or rule keeping. Which is why this year is throwing me off kilter. I've hated who it's made me this year. All drudgery and no laughs. All work and no play. God didn't create us for that. He didn't create for life.

He created for ABUNDANT life. Which is how I've always chosen to live mine. I chose again last night.

Stepping back into myself. Into His plan of action for me...it includes drudgery and work...but it also includes laughter...pickles...green grass...love...grace...fingernail polish...new things...cherished old things...family...music...joy...and Him...

It's a good life. A beautiful irony. And I wouldn't trade a second for anything...

Because I know this...whatever comes...I'll be ok.

Gotta run...a belly laugh is callin' my name...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Musings of a Mediocre Mother, Student, Friend, Partner, Follower, Daughter, Sister...

Have I really not written since October? Seems about right. I find myself drifting and running about day after day stuck in the twilight zone of life. It's been quite unnerving, a bit freeing, and alot hard. I said to my guy the other day "I'm doing 17 things and none of them well."
I won't go into the boring details of my overscheduled, hurried life. But trust me when I say it's too much. Way too much. But it's neccessary. Dreams require too much sometimes. Goals require work boots...with mud on them...to your knee caps...while you're freezing cold...and hungry...and looking for a way out to go play at the park with your friends...I digress...
Since beginning my RN program in January while working full time...I have...forgotten to pay bills...dropped kids off with a cookie for breakfast...overslept and had to wear my hair wet day after day...renigged on my vegan fare more than once...not taken a single vitamin...missed appts for my children...forgotten things...remembered them later...don't much worse in school than I thought I would...I could go on for days...
It's been really, really hard.
I've wanted to quit.
I haven't.
But I've come close.
I feel like a almost failure many days. I feel like I should be more intelligent. I feel like I should make better grades. I feel like I should have it more together. But it's always "almost" failure...
Because here's what I'm learning in this season...there never really is failure. There's the realm of "I'm almost failing..." but never really failure because this is all a comprehensive journey. Every part...every road...every upset and triumph is building the story. Which means there is no failure. Which brings me to the "almost failure" part...
For me, "almost failure" is losing myself in the process. Which in this year is a little bit neccessary, but I choose how to react to it. If I "almost fail" it will be because I live out every hard day this year focused on what I'm giving up and the tasks that overwhelm rather than the gorgeous family I have...rather than the majesty created all around me...rather than the laughter...that's "almost failure". I'm making peace with the fact that I am indeed mediocre in all I am involved in right now. It is what it is. I just don't have any extra hours or hands to be anything more. This is ok. Because this is part of my story. My narrative that one day will bring me to another place where I'll have to be even stronger. Where I'll have to make peace that I con't have to be "more". Where I'm ok being a frail human being. (This is extremely hard for me) Fraility is not my most desirous place to abide. But I find as I abide here...I become more human. First in really awful ways that show me not to judge others for the same flaws...and second in really good ways that press me to accept my fraility and lean into a God and a family that love me just the same. This is good.
"Almost failing" is pushing me. I hate it. I love it. But most of all...I'm accepting it.
Frail on friends...Frail on...

Grace n Peace,


PS I realize there are spelling errors in here but my dumb program isn't letting me correct...#acceptance #almostfailingwithspelling