- I am not rested. If I am dreaming and waking continuously all night it signals to me I'm not at peace and I'm subconsciously worried.
- I'm not in Shalom. Shalom envelopes and encourages. Worry denigrates and denounces joy. Vastly different.
- I'm crazy. There I said it. I'm just plain cray as the day is long.
Funny thing is...I don't worry and get anxious always over what we term "the big stuff"...I worry about totally inconsequential ridiculosity...Examples:
- My butt is dropping. OMG MY BUTT IS DROPPING. I'm in class 8 hours a day and I'm losing my awesome butt. How is it I'm not running 5 miles a day. I don't care that I have 40 hours of school a week and 40 hours of work a week and a husband (who I want to like my butt) and kids and spiritual life...I have to be perfect. I have to keep up my body else I will be less than...(as she jumps out of bed to start squats)
- I don't know my children. OMG I DON'T KNOW MY CHILDREN...THEY WILL TURN INTO DRUG ADDICTS OR WORSE...MOTHER HATERS!!! I am teaching them perseverance and dream chasing but what they really need is for me to sit down and watch frozen with them completely unplugged with homemade cookies and hormone free milk. In fresh smelling of Gain fabric softner washed pajamas.
- I am failing at everything spiritual. I cussed. I thought really bad thoughts towards people I wanted to punch in the throat. I wanted to run. Far far away. OMG I WANTED TO WATCH MOVIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND EAT COTTON CANDY!!! I have hit rock bottom!!!
- I am the worst friend ever. OMG WHEN DID I LAST TALK TO MY FRIEND? What day is this? Do I have clean scrubs for tomorrow? I will have no friends by the time this year is over because I will have only talked to nursing students and patients!!!
- I am a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE LAUNDRY KEEPER UPPER AND I HAVE NO ORGANIZATIONAL HOME SKILLS. OMG!!! MY SILVERWARE ARE NOT ORGANIZED IN ONE OF THOSE ORGANIZERS MADE FOR THE SILVERWARE DRAWER!!! The sky is definitely falling!!!!!
I'm turning inward. Not outward anymore.
A few years ago when these moments of self doubt and angst would begin, I would call my best...depend on them to reassure me that I was not failing...that I was not going over the edge. Now...I find I can sit with it all. I can say to myself..."You are having a crazy moment and none of this is legit. Nor is it real." Then the wonderful, meant to be thing happens...
I start talking to God.
I literally say to Him "Ok...this is SO dumb. But I'm worried about my butt dropping. I'm worried I don't have a silverware organizer. I'm worried of how I'm going to make this schedule work. I'm worried that my children don't know me this year. And God I know people are starving and poor and naked...but in my idolatrous self absorption...I'm feasting on these thoughts."
And I find...I no longer need to lean on someone else for reprieve from the nastiness that is my rumination crazy side. I find I'm leaning into the one who gives "attention to the appearance of wildflowers" and it's exactly what the purpose of all this is. HIM. ME. DEPENDENCE.
I must admit as I lean...the thoughts don't always go away. But, I also am realizing that's the process. The trite "journey". If I ever get to wear I'm no longer human and crazyfied...I fear I would plan, assess, conduct, organize, and unthink Jesus right on out of my life. Because I'm selfish. I'm self absorbed. I'm idolatrous. I would leave Him in my dust and keep on truckin'.
But with these thorns...no matter how scattered and ridiculous they may seem...I remain in need of a Savior. I need to be saved from my crazy. I need to be saved from myself. I need to be saved from societal expectations. I need daily deliverance.
And He brings it...right up to my breakfast, lunch, and dinner table. He sits with me and says again and again "Give your entire attention to me right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. I will help you deal with whatever hard things come up WHEN THE TIME COMES." (Paraphrased Mt. 6:34)
The word "worry" comes from an old English term wyrgan which means "to choke or strangle". (Anxious for Nothing by John MacArthrur Jr.) How appropriate. When I'm ruminating and studying all the outliers of my life, as redundant as this is, I strangle the absolute crap out of my "here and now" life. I realize I've spent the last four hours solving issues that have not and probably will not ever happen when I could have been fully present with my beautiful family. Enough Said.
Dependent. I am dependent upon a Savior. Today. Hopefully tomorrow. Dependent. Anti climatic I know. It would be so much more exciting and fun to say I'd found the perfect pill that makes it all shiny not whiney and hypnotism really does work...but alas...it's the age old truth I go back to...surrendering my independence for total dependence. Therein lies Shalom.
Grace n Peace,