Soul Soil...Boats...and Hydrangeas

I think I've been hiding from my blog because I'm well...hiding.

I don't ever like to portray anything less than bubbly and fun and "overcoming"...yet the last year has had moments of anything but these sentiments...

Yet...I'm not lost or overcome. I'm...rooted but not jubilant.

It's a new emotion and space for me.

I'm the life of the party.

I'm the one who dances and sings Happy Birthday via Marilyn Monroe...

I help stabilize others...not myself.

Yet here I find myself. Spreading deep into the soil of my soul for roots...

Admittedly, in the last 2 months I've struggled to stay on top of it all. It's been lonely, boring, busy, and tedious at best. Yet, I'm not lost or overcome. Weird.

When younger and less experienced, I had a tendency in these moments to flip out. To quit and look for other venues. To run.

Now I find that this space...this place of rooting and growth and patience...is teaching me self-discipline on a different level. Staying power.

I've realized that I cannot panic anymore about where I'm headed...this is the ultimate trust in the process of God. The ultimate trust in who He has created me to be. The ultimate trust that He truly holds my world.

But it's so dang boring. So lonely. So...just SO.

I have not had moments where I wanted to quit. I don't feel like running. I do have moments where I want more community. I have moments where I want my own home again. I want to grocery shop for my own pantry. I want more than 27.00 in my bank account. I want I want I want...hmm....maybe that's the point.

He keeps leading me beside the still waters...and I keep looking for a boat with a motor...

He keeps letting all my belongings be stolen from my storage unit....

He keeps letting me make less now than I have since high school...

He keeps letting me be dependent on others for help...

He keeps letting me fall in the soil of my soul over and over and over...

Still waters...

Pretty sure that's the point...still waters...I'll never grow and bloom fruit or hydrangeas in my soul soil if I keep running...If I quit...If I don't stick with the process....

Still waters...

Pretty sure my soul soil is planted beside the still waters...and that is why every time I find a boat with a motor and sail off...I sail away from myself...from my God...from my purpose...and from the soil where I'll really grow my life's purpose...

Still waters....they just aren't as exciting some times as the boat with the motor...but they are incredibly fulfilling in the end when you're sitting on the shore and looking at the blooms....eating fruit from your soul soil and peaceful...

I think I get it...

Grace and Peace,

A ~

I. REALLY. DON'T. CARE.

It's been a while since I've had time to strike these keys with any thoughts outside of school...

Even now I struggle to UN-crowd my brain and focus on a single thought for a blog.  Mother's Day is tomorrow and I've celebrated a day early with my Luvs. Libraries...movies...and presence are what we've experienced today.

I run so hard and furiously at this point in life that I often miss moments...I miss little details and I'm a details girl. My mantra has been "It's only a season." And it is.

My thoughts today turned again to a familiar feeling...I sent out a tweet and thought to myself..."You sent out three tweets and several instagram photos today...You are going to look so pathetic and that you had absolutely nothing to do today."I pondered this familiar thought and dissected it...and came to a conclusion:

I. Really. Don't. Care.

I was the girl who had fake nails. I went to all events. My highlights were perfect and so was my derriere. (Or so they said) When I became single again, I feared being boring (to those of you who truly know me...yes I realize...very far stretch). I worried furiously that I would appear to be "just" a single mom and NOT a beautiful, passionate woman with a future.

It never occurred to me that I could be all three. And love it.

I have many friends that are in their 20's. Somehow, I fit right in their circles and we connect on fun levels as well as deep. Yet, at the end of the day, my 35 year old soul peeks through in situations like... weekends. While they are packed with fun and friends, I typically work and squeeze as much of my babies in as I can before I crash into bed. Guess what?

I. Really. Don't. Care.

I don't feel slighted. I don't feel ashamed. Neither do they! They shouldn't. I've come to realize that our age and activities do not determine our friendships. We have vastly different lifestyles yet we all love each other and bring joy and determination to one another.

Back to the tweets today, I decided that me worrying if someone thinks I'm bored today or not exciting enough...well...that's their issue. I love my life. I'm far from bored and I'm engaged fully.  My days are flying on by and my oldest Luv is turning into a woman before my eyes...

I'm much more excited, nervous, scared, joyful, and emotional about THAT fact than I am if I come across as a single mom without an active dating/social life...

I. Really. Don't. Care.

There will be time for my lists...and believe me...I'll mark them off. (If you know me you know this too...) I'll date a myriad of men here and there I'm ever so sure...I'll run that marathon...hike that mountain...tat that foot (sorry mom)...and love my God endlessly....All things in their own time...

I'm not pressured anymore to "appear" any which way. I'm pressured to raise God adoring, Them-self loving, World-Loving, Activist Little Women. I'm pressured to leave every place I visit better than when I came. I'm pressured to make one difference each day one at a time. I'm pressured and drawn to God. That simply.

In the meantime, I'll continue tweeting away...Because if you really know me...you know I'm a SUPA connector...3D (Chrys)...Idea populated...overstimulated...personality and I don't intend to not love myself. JUST. LIKE. THIS.

It's probably why I talk to every ex-husband, ex-date, ex-anything...relationships enrich and delve us deeper into our truest Christ given nature...even the painful ones. I feel no reason to abide by societal rules that have broken down our communications because of pride. So I live. I love. I hurt. I get hurt. I appear boring. I appear over the top. It ALL depends on which day ya catch me. And guess what?

I. Really. Don't. Care.

Once I encountered myself in the true, forgiving, accepting love of the Master...repeatedly...I realized the limitations of power, acceptance, societal norms and abnorms...fall away for me...

I am blurred by tears as I type this line for it's THAT real...THAT assuring to me...this Master love where all my idols that compete fall short and crumble...It's the real deal and I no longer need to BE anything than His...redundant and trite I know...but OH. SO. TRUE.

Grace n Peace,

A ~