Welcome to My Royally Wrecked Space to Chill...

I hope you find comradery...I hope you find peace....I hope you find joy...I hope you find acceptance...I hope you feel loved...I hope you know that your are precious...chosen...and always welcome here...come sit a spell...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Trekking, Dust, and Wildness...

I'm a long time black and white, right the wrong kind of girl. I don't like victims. I hate those who blatantly use the weak and exploit them knowingly or unknowingly. Transparently, I want to kick their butts.

I'm learning though, that try as I might to do all the right things and help, some situations just don't want to budge and people don't want light on the darkness. Don't misunderstand, when I say "help", I mean walk uprightly, continue to do good in the face of evil, and turn the other cheek. I'm not a proponent for trying to control others and their ideologies or dysfunctions about life. All we can control is ourselves, our involvement, and our reactions. I digress.

I've been perplexed over a situation for quite some time. I've done all I could yet it doesn't seem to budge. I get angry. The injustice of it all fills my heart like a spiritual cigarette and I become clouded with the angst and pain of the situation. It's only natural. I'm OK with that. But it lingers. It hurts. I take the bundle of pain on my back time and again to the cross...to receive fresh socks and hiking boots for the trek up and across the terrain of the soul that I am meant to carry...

I am refreshed though matted and caked with dust and sweat from the endless journey.

This morning I breathed a heart prayer "Talk to me about THIS..."

Then I read:

Acts 13:50 But the Jewish leaders incited the God-fearing women of high standing and the leading men of the city. They stirred up persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them from their region. 51 So they shook the dust off their feet as a warning to them and went to Iconium. 52 And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.

There are some battles. Some hikes. Some situations. We WILL NOT FIX.

When it becomes clear to us that the battle is draining our reserves, draining our joy, draining our power in the spirit...it's time to shake the dust and move on.

What I love about this passage is that Paul and Barnabas didn't look back and weep, they didn't act like they had been victimized, they simply recognized the situation for what it was then moved on and forward with joy and the power of the Holy Spirit.

I felt so released at this powerful passage. There will always be treks we cannot abandon...we will have to hike them...sometimes all our lives...

BUT...we do not have to engage with the wild animals, snakes, or bugs on the trail...we shake the dust, we keep walking, and we don't look back. We treat our injuries. Then we walk in joy and the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the only way if we are to live free. 

Because if we engage with the wildness of the trail and fall into the trap of trying to "fix" and "argue" our way through the terrain instead of walking...here is our warning of what will happen:

Proverbs 17:19 Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin;
    whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.

We INVITE sin into our lives and onto our trail. We run the risk of building spiritual and emotional fortresses (gates) trying to keep the wildness out and instead we break our hearts and spirits down in the process. We are NOT MEANT TO QUARREL OR BUILD FORTRESSES.

We are meant to walk the trail in joy and power of the Holy Spirit. We do not have to engage with the wildness. Once the dangers of the trail become clear (sometimes this takes time and spiritual discernment) and we are certain this wildness is only out to attack...we walk on, shake the dust, and trek. WE ONLY STOP TO REFUEL ON THE WORD AND TAKE NOURISHMENT AND SUPPLIES FROM THE MASTER. There is NO OTHER REASON to stop and engage with wildness on the trail. We are called to love, not to engage with perpetual dangers to our soul. We must learn when to walk away. 

Don't misunderstand, we are called to love everyone and strive to disciple in all situations. But when one has made their intentions clear, repeatedly, and those intentions are destroying your peace and your joy...you must gather your pack and walk.

We must become so attune to the spirit that we know when He is whispering "Shake the dust". Sometimes He does not whisper this for years, sometimes it happens at a first meeting. Nevertheless, if we are tuned in to His voice, we can know and move. There is no fear or trepidation. We simply walk forward on the trajectory He has called us towards with joy. Whew...how powerful is that?!!?

Grace N Peace,

A ~

Sunday, June 3, 2012

disjointed ode to grace

I find grace hard to accept...especially when my works are so very very low.
diving between responsibilities...I am left with very little to show for my side of our relationship.
I catch up on the daily reading that I miss through the week. whisper a prayer on the ride to work, and hope it's enough...but it doesn't feel like it is. I sit with this feeling and the dryness of the moment. I realize this is it. this is when I need grace. not when I have days off and get to attend church and stand high on the mountain of faith. no. this. this period is where I falteringly need grace.
I look into the very real possibility that the next six months of my life I will not be able to attend community on Sunday. I will not have corporate worship. I whisper a heart prayer and repent in advance for the dryness I feel coming. a whisper returns. grace. little. small. yielding. grace.
bigger than my inability to attend a gathering. quieter than the roar of my thoughts. grace. it will have to be enough. it will have to be. Enough.
then it hits me. My prayers! "God help me to live with 'enough'". little did I know. enough.
grace will have to be enough this year. I will have to trust that I can be loved by him when I cannot do physical works. I will have to trust that my God is with me...even when I cannot grace what I have seen to be his physical dwelling place. because after all...am I not his physical dwelling place. and after all...is HE not enough to sustain me in the midst of responsibility? grace.
like a raging water that washes over my raging thoughts and sins that I feel ashamed of and try my very very best to not replicate day after...
isn't that the point again? trying. I'll try all day, all year long and I'll never be good enough...because it's not in the trying...it's the releasing...it's in the trusting...it's in the submission...it's in the giving up of the disjointedness of my life and my will and releasing my humanity to someone bigger than me...God...
heavenly grace.
it appears in the form of pink clouds fluffed and willowy...and I think to myself..."who am I?"
that you. you. God of majesty and grace. you are mindful of me: a constant dweller of deservement of more in the face of your supreme goodness.
me: a constant "I will accomplish more." instead of "I will pursue you." more.
beginning and ending of me. Oh graceful one.
how I love thee.
how I delight when in the moment of sleepless agony. tortured mind that I sometimes become...when you whisper into my heart...brief...small...but spoken nonetheless...
how I find peace in the structure of your word.
how low I feel when stripped bare before you.
oh graceful, good one. let me approach you once more.
may I climb into your presence?
may I curl at your feet?
may I lay down the strength I must carry day after day and just be yours?
forever faithful. friend. I do not ever deserve such glorious displays of love...yet you paint my world again.
Father. forgive me. humanity consumed and burned like a flaming fire in the night. I am yours. again. broken to be molded. humbled to be helped. cracked to be created. I'm thine. grace.

Grace n peace,

A ~