I am writing this strictly because I want you mama's...ladies...women...to know you're not alone. Those of you that converse with me and talk about how positive I am...I wanted you to know...
I fell the last two weeks.
I lost my shine. I lost my way. I fell.
I fell into a big black hole.
I screamed at my kids. I sat in the car long after it was turned off and stared out. I ate dill pickle chips and candy for lunch.
I have injustices in my life just like you all. Real injustices that tear at the threads of my heart and are quite unfair.
Injustices that make people say "Oh...honey...I'm so sorry. It's going to get better." (which I hate and appreciate all at the same time...because it affronts my pride and what I know...it might not "get better" in ways others think.)
But with all this...I also won.
I'd gotten so used to being on top. So used to being "together". So used to being a "teachable" mom to my kids and avoiding conflict. I was riding high.
Then out of nowhere I got knocked off my invisible top and had to decide what to do in the lowlands. It took me a couple of weeks. But I decided.
My circumstances and response to them brought me once again to the altar. They brought me to my own human frailty and the ability to fall into despair, whining, and self pity at any given moment...
And as Kyle Idleman says "Whining in many ways, is the opposite of worshiping the Lord." Aha.
Whining is not my style. My kids will tell you their kooky mom screams out at the curb "Be shiny! Not whiny!" And honestly I didn't really whine the last two weeks (except to my dearest...you know who you are) outwardly...
That's because I'm a cave dweller...I burrow...I don't answer the phone...I ignore life and hide when I'm verging on not good things...so you'll never know I struggle...
But one cannot burrow from God.
I was whining in head prayers...my thoughts...I allowed myself a few days to wallow...then I just kept doing what I know to do.
I stopped screaming.
I ate well.
And finally it happened. He broke through and I heard him loud and clear: Worship Me.
Yes. It's unfair.
Yes. Your load is heavy.
Yes. It's not what you expected.
Yes. You don't know how to make it all happen.
Yes. I am here.
Yes. This is holy ground.
Yes. I will be with you to till the end.
Yes. You ARE that positive, loving woman.
Yes. It's just a day. Get up. Worship.
As simple as that...He reminded me again that it all comes down to one principle in this life: Live your life in worship to Him.
No other gods...including self-pity...before Him.
He will take care of the rest.
You will live in plenty even if you have less than what others deem enough.
He is good. All the time He is good.
So...for those of you who ask me how I do it...I don't.
I cling. He does it.
And on occasion...I fall flat like a whining brat...and I learn all over again...
How to stand on shaky legs supported by the Savior...
Grace n Peace,