Have I really not written since October? Seems about right. I find myself drifting and running about day after day stuck in the twilight zone of life. It's been quite unnerving, a bit freeing, and alot hard. I said to my guy the other day "I'm doing 17 things and none of them well."
I won't go into the boring details of my overscheduled, hurried life. But trust me when I say it's too much. Way too much. But it's neccessary. Dreams require too much sometimes. Goals require work boots...with mud on them...to your knee caps...while you're freezing cold...and hungry...and looking for a way out to go play at the park with your friends...I digress...
Since beginning my RN program in January while working full time...I have...forgotten to pay bills...dropped kids off with a cookie for breakfast...overslept and had to wear my hair wet day after day...renigged on my vegan fare more than once...not taken a single vitamin...missed appts for my children...forgotten things...remembered them later...don't much worse in school than I thought I would...I could go on for days...
It's been really, really hard.
I've wanted to quit.
I haven't.
But I've come close.
I feel like a almost failure many days. I feel like I should be more intelligent. I feel like I should make better grades. I feel like I should have it more together. But it's always "almost" failure...
Because here's what I'm learning in this season...there never really is failure. There's the realm of "I'm almost failing..." but never really failure because this is all a comprehensive journey. Every part...every road...every upset and triumph is building the story. Which means there is no failure. Which brings me to the "almost failure" part...
For me, "almost failure" is losing myself in the process. Which in this year is a little bit neccessary, but I choose how to react to it. If I "almost fail" it will be because I live out every hard day this year focused on what I'm giving up and the tasks that overwhelm rather than the gorgeous family I have...rather than the majesty created all around me...rather than the laughter...that's "almost failure". I'm making peace with the fact that I am indeed mediocre in all I am involved in right now. It is what it is. I just don't have any extra hours or hands to be anything more. This is ok. Because this is part of my story. My narrative that one day will bring me to another place where I'll have to be even stronger. Where I'll have to make peace that I con't have to be "more". Where I'm ok being a frail human being. (This is extremely hard for me) Fraility is not my most desirous place to abide. But I find as I abide here...I become more human. First in really awful ways that show me not to judge others for the same flaws...and second in really good ways that press me to accept my fraility and lean into a God and a family that love me just the same. This is good.
"Almost failing" is pushing me. I hate it. I love it. But most of all...I'm accepting it.
Frail on friends...Frail on...
Grace n Peace,
A
PS I realize there are spelling errors in here but my dumb program isn't letting me correct...#acceptance #almostfailingwithspelling
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