I've been enthralled this summer with the life of Jesus. I really want to uncover the true life of a disciple. I want to live like the Ultimate Disciple.
I've found the majority of my time in the Word directed to the Gospels as of late...mainly Matthew. I'm finding all sorts of truth about the man called Jesus. I'm also having my paradigm wrecked about discipleship.
From what I can tell in my reading, Jesus was hard core. He didn't play. He didn't water down His message. He loved extravagantly. He had friendships with "sinners". He told people to leave their families. Really? That just doesn't fit in my with sweet vision of my bearded Savior.
He did. I promise.
Matthew 10:37-39 says "He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it."
I need to love Him more than my daughters? I had to really focus on this one evening. Actually it was one early morning around 1:30 am. I was studying and reading in the living room. I was so overwhelmed by mission and discipleship that I laid on the floor and began to listen. As I began this process, my children each laid on couches around me. I had to ask myself the hard questions.
If God calls me to another country, am I willing to raise two little girls alone (depending on God's plan ;-) ) in poverty and unknown conditions? If God calls me to live in a diminished capacity to further His kingdom, can I make peace that my children will have to live on less than their peers? If God calls me to be radical in discipleship (which I firmly believe He has and does each of us) am I confident that God will provide for myself and my girls as the lilies of the field?
I wrestled. Literally. I wept. I could not speak "yes" until I was completely sure the answer would not change. I could not base the answer on emotion. For the first time in my life, the task felt daunting. The call...too heavy. I was...afraid. I told God..."I'm not equipped for this".
His answer? "Do you love me?"
I wrestled on. I wept more. I wanted so badly to get off the floor. I wanted to run. Several times I began to rise but laid my flesh back down because I knew...I knew if I got up off that floor I could possibly miss this moment of ultimate intimacy and surrender...forever.
I finally was able to surrender. Everything. No plan. No agenda. No future. Everything surrendered.
I felt heavy. I felt one. I felt I would would be called to give up people and things that would require me to take up my cross. It was a hard, emotional couple of days after rising from that floor. Yet, I was at peace.
I've never know the depths of surrender like this...as I continue to allow God to send revelation to my heart for my life and the life of my family I find it...well...radical. Heavy. Yet easy.
How is that possible?
All I can say is that this is what I was born to do. This is the sweet spot. I'm leaving behind a life of spreadsheets, security, and American paradigms. I'm picking up discipleship that He has called me to. I honestly couldn't tell you what this entails for me and my girls future. I'm fluid in Him. He directs. I walk. Immediately.
I do know I'm called not to love or esteem anything higher than Him and His call for us. This calling for my family specifically will require radical measures. Measures that require me to confront my ideas of what I wanted to provide my children with in this world experience and surrender them to what He wants my children to experience.
Surrender. Comes. With. A. Price.
My prayer these days is for the wisdom to hear the whisperings and the strength to pay the price.
Grace N Peace,