I'm not sure what the triggers are always...
Where the deep blows to the soul manifest themselves in our psyche...
Some days they seem to surface out of nowhere...
A single word spoken...a single sentence...takes me back to deep places of pain...
Childhood memories seem to be the most poignant...the most stirring of the soul...
I muse inwardly...anger and resentment stir...feelings of entrapment settle in...I am rehearsing the stories of old...
Wondering how to change them for myself and my children with seemingly no control...
I stop and whisper...a mind whisper...
Plea to God..."why...how...help!"
Peace takes a while to settle in...because I'm still trying to ration it all out...still trying to reason things that have no reason...
He walks into the chambers of my heart...
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes"...faltering...still full of anger, resentment, and questions....
"Yes"...more childlike this time...
"Yes"...surrendered...
"I will take care of you..."
He always has...even in those moments where I was injured or injured others...He took care of me...
A deep friend told me this week in a moment of my anguish over a loss "Our brokenness will forever break each other's hearts..."
Yes...I listen to her words again...rehearse them again...
I use them as salve to the wound...to justify the perpetrator of my heart...
They are broken. I am broken.
"Help me understand and embrace the brokenness within myself and others"...I whisper to Him...
I realize in these futile moments that it is only through our own sufferings that we can attach ourselves to the deep sufferings of others...
Suffering Sucks.
Suffering is Messy.
Suffering rips our hearts out.
Suffering makes us angry.
Suffering kills us...so that He might live in the broken spot.
I pull up Isaiah 53 in The Message...Tears well in my eyes and I read this favored passage...
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.
Passed over?
Suffered?
Scum?
I fight to maintain my quivering chin...this lover...this beautiful Savior...
He took on my suffering...He was passed over, suffered and considered scum to take on my suffering...
My beautiful Lord...it breaks me...
Hope fills me...
I do not suffer alone...nor do I have to suffer at all....
There is a place I can enter of sweet surrender...He took it all for me...
My sins...my sufferings...the broken chambers of my heart that ooze liquid pain and angst...piled...piled on my Savior...taken...
He loves me THAT much...
This revealing of His intimate love for me...enables me towards a forgiveness to those who perpetrate...those who operate still from unknowing brokenness...those yet unable to surrender...forgiveness...
Scummy Savior...wow...
Grace n Peace,
A ~
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