How Presumptuous of Me...

"Will I or won't I?"

That was the question. I stood on the line. You know the one. The white line down the middle...the one that requires a side before you progress through your day.

I stood on the proverbial line...chewing my nails, looking side to side, knowing a choice must be made....knowing the consequences that would come if I chose badly...if I chose flesh.

Yet I did it anyway. Presumptuous.

I chose sin. I didn't fall by accident. I didn't find myself in too late. I chose to walk towards unrighteousness.

Paul Bunyan termed it "Raping the Grace of God."

What made it even more strange is while I knew I was operating in flesh...giving in to the side of me that is non-eternal...knowing a price would be paid for this choice...I felt nothing. Days earlier I had to silence my conscious to make the choice accessible and less wrenching.

Presumptuous.

Merriam-Webster defines Presumptuous as "Overstepping due bounds; taking liberties."

David was presumptuous with Bathsheba. Judas presumptuous in betrayal. Mary Magdalene was presumptuous many times with many men. Peter...three times he sinned a presumptuous sin by knowingly denying Christ. Annias and Sapphira...presumptuously sinned financially against God.

Presumptuous sin began in the Garden...with the first bite of the fruit. Eve presumpteously wanted more than perfection...humanity has never left this presumpteous sin behind.

David said in Psalm 19:12-13 "Who can understand his errors? Cleanse me from secret faults. Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me. Then I shall be blameless, and I shall be innocent of great transgression."

I've marinated this passage and concept of presumpteuous sin in mind. I find it easy to spot many presumptous sins we struggle with; pornography, deception, pride, lack of discipleship, gluttony, etc. But it's the other "minute" presumptions of sin that float under my radar.

Negative thought patterns, lack of trust in God for what I need, engagement in media that promotes sin and Godless society, slothfulness, lack of prayer, lack of study in the Word, judgment, validation from other areas instead of Him...

All examples of presumpteous sins.

When I allow negative thoughts, emotions, and struggles to interfere with the truths I know about God...I knowingly decide what God has given me is not good enough and He should not be praised. Sin.

When I decide that I will focus on my plans instead of trusting God...I knowingly decide that I am God. Sin.

When I watch movies, shows, etc. that engage in lust, impure motives, and areas outlined in His word that are reproachable to Him...I decide that entertainment of the flesh is more important that pleasing my Creator. Sin.

When I entertain myself and spend my time with mind numbing activites rather than disciplining myself in prayer and study of the Word...I insinuate to God that our relationship is not priority; that His goodness is deserved and merited. Sin.

When I cast my prejudice, upbringing, assumptions, and unhealth upon other humanity in an effort to feel more accepted, loved, and adequate...I show God His children are not worth my love and acceptance; even though He loves and accepts me unconditionally. Sin.

When I run to areas that temporarily fill the void created for God...relationships, food, money, material posessions, social causes over relationship with Him, busyness, etc...I choose Idols over the Lover of my soul. Sin.

I believe after his failings David understood this; hence his cry to God "Who can understand his errors?" He knew that while we knowingly choose to sin...we sometimes don't understand it ourselves. We are on a death wish of sorts. Inately, we all have places in humanity that propel us towards idolatry and away from our Creator.

This is why relationship is so important. "Cleanse me from secret faults. Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me."


David was asking for help. He recognized that in his humanity he would choose to override righteousness and would need strong relationship with God to help him say NO.

How comforting to know that it is not in the meditation upon sins and the journey towards them that we fail...but in the moment where we have stepped out of relationship with the creator and not asked for cleansing and the help to say...NO.

Dominion occurs when we fail to commune with His all encompassing, wise love for us. He is the only reality that dispels and combats presumptuous sinful natures. He is light. He is love. He is stronger.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Content to Trudge...

I turn side to side in the dark and my mind is slothful...it does not want to bend to truth. It want wants to hurt. It wants to give in to the despair. Yet I know that I cannot. It is not of Him.


You see...I'm in a season. I've heard people talk of "seasons". I even thought I had really walked through some. Yet this one is different. It's recognizable. I think I recognize it because I'm healthy. When you're unhealthy, you're trying so hard to paddle upstream that you just cannot stop and learn the lesson. You cannot go with the flow.


Age. Experience. Failure has taught me to go with the flow of God.


I find myself in a season of extreme diligence and commitment to excellence. It's hard. It's lonely. I miss the old days. I left a city and a community I loved. I had dates every weekend. I had excitement at my fingertips. I had a booming church. I had people.


Now. I have my call to excellence and God. I do not mean this to sound "woe is me-ish". Quite the contrary...I find myself incredibly blessed. Mostly fulfilled. And reaching goals.


It's just...lonely.


Yet I know...God is in my details. I just love that. Even when I don't feel it. I love it. You see...I'm quite convinced this is my "season of excellence." It's not fun. Yet it is. It's humbling. Yet it's building my esteem. It hurts. Yet it sets me free. It quite the conundrum of a season.


I am not one to be still. I am not one to do well with periods of boredom. God is seeing to the fact that I settle my little tail down. He is creating spaces of stillness within me. It requires discipline. It requires adherence. It requires obedience. None of it fun at this point. 


But I'm OK with it. (Mostly) Some days, like the night I slothfully rolled around fretting about losing myself and my boring life...it gets the better of me. Then I awake to my God, my children, and my trees and I know it's time for me to keep trudging towards the goal. 


I am reminded of an oft quoted verse that can be stood upon day after day in seasons where He leads us but does not bring playmates and party hats...

 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: ¹² I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. ¹³ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

Philippians 4:11-13

I am in no way hungry...suffering...etcetera...

But sometimes dagnabit...we just wanna feel happy and excited...not always the plan...

Growth requires sustained discipline and attention. Should I want to get to the finish line strong and in a state of excellence...I must put away my desires for immediate gratification and stay the course of the champion. 

ex·cel·lenceNoun/ˈeksələns/

                             1. The quality of being outstanding or extremely good.

I look at friends in their seasons of harvest and I'm genuinely thrilled for them. Genuinely filled with joy at the blessings of God. They are learning excellence in other ways than I. I'm OK with that because at the end of the day if I become outstanding to my Creator...I don't really care the path it took to get me there. 

Seasons bring me to my starting and ending point: my knees. Remind me of my strength in Him and my weakness in myself. Such blessing. Such grace He bestows upon me to grant the journey. 

Stay strong in your season.

If you are in harvest from your preparation to outstanding excellence in Him...Hurrah! Cheer others on who are trudging up the path behind you. Hand them a Gatorade cup as they keep their pace solid.

If you are in the season of the trudge towards His goal for you...Hurrah! You are special. He counted you worthy to give you an outstanding mission! Be real and trudge beside others. Tell them when you get a blister from the miles. Compel them to stay with you because you need them. Be authentic about where you are on the path. We are all trying to become our excellent selves in Christ. We need one another. 

Whatsoever state you find yourself in...Be content. It's only for a while. :-)

Grace n Peace Trudgers and Harvesters,

A ~

Phenomenal Woman

I love this poem by the amazing Maya Angelou...

I am reminded when I read it...God created me beautiful...just as I is...

"Phenomenal Woman" by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me. 

Takin' the long way to my miracle...

"Sometimes God asks His friends for favors...like taking the long way..." Charlotte Gambill 

She spoke it...My insides went to mush...

You see I didn't realize I've been holding back...I didn't realize I've been explaining "why" for the events of my life...

I was like Martha, the sister of Lazarus...explaining events with scripture...explaining deaths in my life with understanding of a good Christian gal...

God doesn't need my scriptures...He doesn't need my explanations...He needs me to take the long way to my miracle...

I don't ask "why" per se...but I did see within myself where I've "quit" on certain aspects of my life because I thought they had been negated...because surely if they were to be...then THESE things wouldn't have happened...

Then Charlotte said that line...and I crawled back in His lap and laid my head on His chest...all fell away and I was set free again...from myself and my explanations for the events of my life...

It became very clear. It became very simple.

Maybe God is using my life to include others.

Pure.

Simple.

Because IF my miracle had been instantaneous...I couldn't take anyone with me...

Only when our miracle is birthed on the long way home...do we meet others...and share the journey and miracle with them...

God only asks this of friends....

He asks His friends for this favor....

"Will you believe in me? Will you do me a favor and let me use you to include others in a miracle?"

Sometimes...He allows things, people, relationships, jobs, etc. to die...so He can raise them up again...

"Great is your reward in Heaven..."

If I received all instantaneous miracles from Him...I would have no rewards in Heaven because there would be no opportunity for reaping provision, harvest, community, and others on the path...

How powerful...

How amazing...

How humbled I feel...

This God...MY God...counts me as a friend...enough to take me on the long way home...

I love Him...I love you all...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

BIG livin'...

Crisp clean breezes infuse me like none other...I'm hopelessly in love with fall...

When fall arrives with his dashing sense of style and entrance, I am always left breathless and wanting more...

Leaves blowing against my windshield...chilly mornings and perfect afternoons leave me inspired to live...

I want a BIG life...

Messy...

Delicious...

Adventurous...

Daring...

Wrought with risk and achievement...

Dashed with romance...

Radically...Gracefully...Fully...

B.I.G.

I don't know why this struck me today other than the pure unbridled joy that fall fills me with...I want to do this thing called life...and I want to DO. IT. BIG.

I think living GINORMOUS is achievable for me with simple commitment to the following:

Wonderment is the chief requirement of living a BIG life....I can always tell when I'm too immersed in stress...when I haven't laughed enough...when I'm too serious...Wonderment is missing...

Radical abandonment for sure is a very close second...when I'm hesitant to jump....when I over think...when I don't trust Him in surrender...I'm not only not abandoned...I'm far from radical...my fullest life requires both...

Growth...cannot be avoided for the Big Livin' woman...I'm compelled to confront weakness...read constantly to expand...and challenge my thoughts and motives constantly...If I want to wear BIG girl panties...I've gotta grow into 'em... ;-)

Fluidity...when I turn to control and away from surrender...I get totally crabby and unhappy in about 2.3 seconds...when I remain fluid in the path of life and God...I'm chill...I'm at peace...I'm happy...FLUID...essential...

That's it. Pretty simple. If I want to end this minute life one day with BIG memories...skidding out of the temporal earth worn completely out from all the awesomeness...It's up to me to make it happen..

God. Wonderment. Radical Abandonment. Growth. Fluidity.

Small Potatoes eh?

Oh Yeah...and BIG OLE pile of books on each leg of the journey ;-)

Grace N Peace,

A ~

I have a regrets list...

I HAVE REGRETS.

I was apart of the most beautiful wedding this weekend. I sat amongst the trees and watched this stunning couple with their whole lives ahead gaze into each other's eyes and pledge their lives. I thought of my two ceremonies...I was filled with shame. I was filled with regret. I realized I've now lived long enough to have a "regret list".

I floated through the grass to the reception...there in body but many many miles away in mind...I couldn't shake the sadness that filled me. The pain of knowing that humanity, sin, and disobedience destroyed unions and commitments meant for eternity. Realization set in that in life...sometimes you aren't wrong...you can't fix it...you can't change it...and it just...HURTS.

In the past, the hurt would be all consuming...feel hopeless...feel like it would last for eternity. I don't feel that anymore. As bad as having a regret list is...I'm also old enough to have learned that mourning only lasts a season. I've had sufferings and set backs enough to know that joy does return.

Shame is a new emotion for me and I'll admit I've not yet conquered it. I am not the girl that should have been divorced once...much less twice. Yet...I am. It's crushing. It's humbling. It's hurtful. It has been my undoing.

Yet...

It draws me closer to the cross. Not as Fan...as a follower. It wrecks my heart and soul...it reminds me that pride is not holy and at times...neither am I. He continuously saves me. Shame is not healthy. I know this. It cycles. It hits you out of nowhere. It breaks your spirit some days.

Yet...

It draws me closer to the cross. I can imagine in my minute sufferings how Jesus felt. Hanging on a cross. Naked. Spit upon. Deserted. Scorned. SCORNED. He HAD to have fought shame. He loved and lost. Just like me. He gave His best. Just like me. He died. Just like me. He triumphed. Just like I will.

Shame is temporary. Salvation is permanent. Shame can never shake my salvation in Him. What comfort! What joy! Should I never be understood...Should I always be whispered about behind my back...Should my story never be told correctly...this is temporary...

Salvation with a Shamed Savior. That. That is forever.

This. This is "fellowship of sufferings". I know some of you might not agree. Twice Divorced is not suffering with and for Jesus. I disagree. Suffering is different for us all. Individualized. Highly personal. Highly debilitating. When we suffer...we enter into fellowship with our Savior in a deeper...more powerful understanding way. Because the catalyst of the suffering matters not...it's the fellowship that matters. In the end, our relationship with a shamed, risen Savior is enhanced with every suffering and shame that draws us closer to His side. This. This I know.

As I shut it down for the night and lay in the dark, I will ponder the pain in my heart that shame brings. Things that should have been so different but ended wrecked. But I will also ponder the glorious days my future will bring with the Savior. Age allows me to know that I'm in a season. There is a plan. I'm not alone. I'm forgiven. I'm accepted. Tomorrow has new blessings and challenges. He sees the shame and releases it. I am not shamed in Him. I'm loved. That. That is enough.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Pale is the New Tan...and Other New Revelations...

I remember as girl absolutely LOATHING my pale skin...I felt like I was the odd man out all the time with my tan friends.


I was a redhead and felt myself to be not very pretty in comparison to the others. I was not a typical beauty nor fit with my flaming hair and zealous personality.


I think I learned early on to overcompensate with independence and "I don't need you"...(of course independence is also inherent in redheads ;-) )


As I've grown into myself, birthed two babies, suffered setbacks, lost weight, gained weight, highlighted, blown out hair, fake fingernails, no fingernails, Chanel makeup, Maybelline makeup, Anthropologie to thrift stores, Diamonds to plastic bangles...


I've fallen into one thing: Myself.


I have always been afraid to compliment myself. Afraid to believe in the good things I could and would accomplish as I didn't want to set myself up for heartache when I failed. Confidence equalled pride in my twisted, insecure mind and heart.


As I've progressed in my journey, I've learned that there are some things I'm really good at and there are some things I just can't ever get right. I've learned that preparation can produce excellence. I've learned that I possess some things that can make the world a better place. I've learned I'm a nurturer and not the angry girl I portrayed out of insecurity.


I am not good. I am a sinner. I'm a wreck tossed in the ocean of God. But I'm confident. I'm confident in HIM. God is teaching me that it's OK to feel good about me. To like me. To accept me. To not allow other opinions to shape me. ONE opinion shapes me, my views, my decisions, my world...HIS.


I'm reminded of this every day as I look on the ink stained into my wrist. HIS.


I belong to Him.


It enables me to accept that I'm not a stepchild. That my pale skin is cool and my wrinkles are earned. It enables to me to wear Chanel or no makeup. "His"means I'm beautiful as myself. Skinny. Fat. Stilettos. Toms. Jeans. Couture. Diamonds or Plastic. 


I'm beautiful. I'm enough. I don't have to worry if this is pride. I've got enough body image, smart image,  magazine model trying to measure up issues to keep my pride in check. No...this is God-esteem. I'm HIS. I'm beautiful. 


Being HIS, also propels me to not be a sideline fan but a follower. To live fully engaged in His spirit and to strive for the spirit to be my motivation...my solidification...my counsel...and my company...


I'm not there...I've got a long way to go...I'm way too comfortable...I don't give enough back yet...


But I'm CONFIDENT...He has begun a good work...if I stay in relationship...If I engage...If I listen...He will COMPLETE it...


Grace n Peace,


A ~

Pockets of Peace...

"You will find as you continue to heal that the pockets of peace will lengthen..." she said to me as I sat smiling on the proverbial therapist couch.

I had been in therapy after a messy divorce and marriage for almost a year. When she first spoke of "pockets of peace" I wondered how I would ever get to a point of existing fully in one. Was such a thing possible?

I had lived in chaos for so long. I was on the mend but worried that I would ever mend fully.

Fast forward. 4 years later.

I am sitting in my car amongst the trees studying at twilight. Spelling out Rhabdomyosarcoma. Fully immersed in the moment. I look up and pause...

Breathing in the beauty of the sunset lit trees...the perfect stillness...the pocket of peace...

I am comfortable in it.

I am...at peace...

I realize in this moment the fullness of what my therapist was birthing in me during those two hour sessions every other week...stillness...acceptance...joy...

You cannot "make" such things happen within you...I find only "He" can...

For me, it's happened with the partnership of Him and my laying down my humanity...

Sometimes I lay it down through face in the dirt failure...

Some days I lay it down willingly in acts of determined surrender...

Nonetheless...I've learned to lay it down one way or the other...

It's the only way I maintain the pocket of peace my life has become...

I can't say life has become "easier" or "more fun"...

I can say He's teaching me about importance...priorities...goal setting and reaching...

Depths of joy found in a child's long eye lashes as you lay and laugh with her...

Peace found amongst the trees while studying for the future...

Peace among the pieces is what He creates...

She was right...the longer you learn to live in the pockets of peace...the wider and deeper and stronger they become...

This is a good thing...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Ripples and Wrinkles...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am...

I listen to these words from Brandi Carlile as I get dressed in the mirror...I stop and think about the fine lines around my 34.75 year old eyes...the crease around my lip line from where I've slept on the same side for most of my life...the tears that have produced the under eye bags...the raucous laughter that has produced the wrinkles...the stray grays...

I take it all in with no particular thought...no particular emotion...I partner with the thought that I am mother to a nine year old daughter now who needs me yet is her own person hood...I am proceeding the path...

I partner in that moment with the realization that I've lived long enough to have regrets...that I've lived long enough to make memories...I've lived long enough to learn a few things...

I realize in these moments my mortality...the infallible proof that we will all age more quickly than slowly...the fact that we will all have grown children faster than having babies...and that...Life is completely flighty, fast, and unkind in the area of time...

We will all wake up and be old one day...then we will not wake up...

Morbid a bit I know...but these realizations do not threaten me...they do not produce sadness (OK well the ones about my babies...)...they produce a fortitude...a resilience...

Tread on...Forge on...Chart the uncharted waters...

One minute life can produce such wonderful, beautiful ripples in the ocean of humanity...

Do all you can.

Love your God.

Kiss your babies more than they want.

Tell your friends you love them and are proud of their ripples more than you think they need to hear.

Live with gratitude rather than regret.

Praise everyone for everything even when you think they cannot hear.

Smile.

Study hard. Work hard.

Live the simple life unencumbered by stuff and "too much" so you can truly be free.

Simply put: LIVE.

Make wrinkles and ripples...

Grace n Peace...

A ~