Sunday, September 11, 2011
I have a regrets list...
I HAVE REGRETS.
I was apart of the most beautiful wedding this weekend. I sat amongst the trees and watched this stunning couple with their whole lives ahead gaze into each other's eyes and pledge their lives. I thought of my two ceremonies...I was filled with shame. I was filled with regret. I realized I've now lived long enough to have a "regret list".
I floated through the grass to the reception...there in body but many many miles away in mind...I couldn't shake the sadness that filled me. The pain of knowing that humanity, sin, and disobedience destroyed unions and commitments meant for eternity. Realization set in that in life...sometimes you aren't wrong...you can't fix it...you can't change it...and it just...HURTS.
In the past, the hurt would be all consuming...feel hopeless...feel like it would last for eternity. I don't feel that anymore. As bad as having a regret list is...I'm also old enough to have learned that mourning only lasts a season. I've had sufferings and set backs enough to know that joy does return.
Shame is a new emotion for me and I'll admit I've not yet conquered it. I am not the girl that should have been divorced once...much less twice. Yet...I am. It's crushing. It's humbling. It's hurtful. It has been my undoing.
It draws me closer to the cross. Not as Fan...as a follower. It wrecks my heart and soul...it reminds me that pride is not holy and at times...neither am I. He continuously saves me. Shame is not healthy. I know this. It cycles. It hits you out of nowhere. It breaks your spirit some days.
It draws me closer to the cross. I can imagine in my minute sufferings how Jesus felt. Hanging on a cross. Naked. Spit upon. Deserted. Scorned. SCORNED. He HAD to have fought shame. He loved and lost. Just like me. He gave His best. Just like me. He died. Just like me. He triumphed. Just like I will.
Shame is temporary. Salvation is permanent. Shame can never shake my salvation in Him. What comfort! What joy! Should I never be understood...Should I always be whispered about behind my back...Should my story never be told correctly...this is temporary...
Salvation with a Shamed Savior. That. That is forever.
This. This is "fellowship of sufferings". I know some of you might not agree. Twice Divorced is not suffering with and for Jesus. I disagree. Suffering is different for us all. Individualized. Highly personal. Highly debilitating. When we suffer...we enter into fellowship with our Savior in a deeper...more powerful understanding way. Because the catalyst of the suffering matters not...it's the fellowship that matters. In the end, our relationship with a shamed, risen Savior is enhanced with every suffering and shame that draws us closer to His side. This. This I know.
As I shut it down for the night and lay in the dark, I will ponder the pain in my heart that shame brings. Things that should have been so different but ended wrecked. But I will also ponder the glorious days my future will bring with the Savior. Age allows me to know that I'm in a season. There is a plan. I'm not alone. I'm forgiven. I'm accepted. Tomorrow has new blessings and challenges. He sees the shame and releases it. I am not shamed in Him. I'm loved. That. That is enough.
Grace n Peace,