I turn side to side in the dark and my mind is slothful...it does not want to bend to truth. It want wants to hurt. It wants to give in to the despair. Yet I know that I cannot. It is not of Him.
You see...I'm in a season. I've heard people talk of "seasons". I even thought I had really walked through some. Yet this one is different. It's recognizable. I think I recognize it because I'm healthy. When you're unhealthy, you're trying so hard to paddle upstream that you just cannot stop and learn the lesson. You cannot go with the flow.
Age. Experience. Failure has taught me to go with the flow of God.
I find myself in a season of extreme diligence and commitment to excellence. It's hard. It's lonely. I miss the old days. I left a city and a community I loved. I had dates every weekend. I had excitement at my fingertips. I had a booming church. I had people.
Now. I have my call to excellence and God. I do not mean this to sound "woe is me-ish". Quite the contrary...I find myself incredibly blessed. Mostly fulfilled. And reaching goals.
Yet I know...God is in my details. I just love that. Even when I don't feel it. I love it. You see...I'm quite convinced this is my "season of excellence." It's not fun. Yet it is. It's humbling. Yet it's building my esteem. It hurts. Yet it sets me free. It quite the conundrum of a season.
I am not one to be still. I am not one to do well with periods of boredom. God is seeing to the fact that I settle my little tail down. He is creating spaces of stillness within me. It requires discipline. It requires adherence. It requires obedience. None of it fun at this point.
But I'm OK with it. (Mostly) Some days, like the night I slothfully rolled around fretting about losing myself and my boring life...it gets the better of me. Then I awake to my God, my children, and my trees and I know it's time for me to keep trudging towards the goal.
I am reminded of an oft quoted verse that can be stood upon day after day in seasons where He leads us but does not bring playmates and party hats...
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I am in no way hungry...suffering...etcetera...
But sometimes dagnabit...we just wanna feel happy and excited...not always the plan...
Growth requires sustained discipline and attention. Should I want to get to the finish line strong and in a state of excellence...I must put away my desires for immediate gratification and stay the course of the champion.
1. The quality of being outstanding or extremely good.
I look at friends in their seasons of harvest and I'm genuinely thrilled for them. Genuinely filled with joy at the blessings of God. They are learning excellence in other ways than I. I'm OK with that because at the end of the day if I become outstanding to my Creator...I don't really care the path it took to get me there.
Seasons bring me to my starting and ending point: my knees. Remind me of my strength in Him and my weakness in myself. Such blessing. Such grace He bestows upon me to grant the journey.
Stay strong in your season.
If you are in harvest from your preparation to outstanding excellence in Him...Hurrah! Cheer others on who are trudging up the path behind you. Hand them a Gatorade cup as they keep their pace solid.
If you are in the season of the trudge towards His goal for you...Hurrah! You are special. He counted you worthy to give you an outstanding mission! Be real and trudge beside others. Tell them when you get a blister from the miles. Compel them to stay with you because you need them. Be authentic about where you are on the path. We are all trying to become our excellent selves in Christ. We need one another.
Whatsoever state you find yourself in...Be content. It's only for a while. :-)
Grace n Peace Trudgers and Harvesters,