Oh yesterday...all my troubles seemed so far away....just kidding...it was actually the opposite.
I found myself clenched in the gut and hard pressed. Yesterday...I had a lot riding on my morning...
I whispered prayers in the dark early hours...summoned the reservoirs of strength...fought through...but sometimes...you get tired of fighting...
I eased into the afternoon with cloudiness and weariness...trudging through the things I needed to accomplish with little centering or joy...marking off the "to dos"...
I don't do well without centering.
I was to meet friends for dinner...issues arise 2 hours before...I handle them...run out the door...
Weary...bleary eyed...running through my reserves like kerosene, wishing for respite, I drag myself into a dark place and sit at midnight. I say aloud..."This is NOT what you promised. Why can't you just make it easy for once. I need more."
He states audible to the chambers of my soul "I am all you need. YOU are all I say you are."
Really? That erases the last 48 hours - 4 weeks of humanity in the trenches of life digging to stay afloat and live in joy feeling like a failure half the time and a zombie the other half? Really Father?
I've been stuck on a remake by Josh Garrels "Farther Along" for weeks...it speaks to my tired soul...the words seep in...
Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul
And I've got no place left go
Cause I got changed by what I've been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin' on
I again realize...seasons of life expand us...grow us...shape character...
Will I sit with my children and listen to their hearts and stories...or will I be busy in this moment when all I want to do is tune out?
Will I stay in the word when all I want to do is watch Downton Abbey and talk to no one?
Will I walk in joy and light even when I don't feel it?
Will I profess I am all HE says I am when I feel like it's all toppling?
Yes. Oh yes. A thousand times yes.
Because. He is all I need...and these wilderness wanderings of the soul are footsteps into that very hard to realize place...He is all I need...It is only in the longing...the alone-ness...the lack of refuge in the world...the drain of the temporary but necessary...that I find it out...all over again...He is all I need.
So I crawl into bed knowing when I awake the world will be new and so will be His mercies.
I awake to the sound of little voices and I go in search of them...crawl between my two beauties and breathe them in...celebrating the sacred holiness that is family...
Later when everyone is gone...I fall into the word and what He says I am...and my soul fills up...my hand holds his...fingers intertwined I grasp tight and breathe relief that all is new...We can do this. My sandals will not wear out...my body will not fail me...my thirst will be quenched and belly full on this trek across wilderness land...because He is all I need.
Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I'm free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I'll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levee and my bluff
Let the flood wash me
May you find respite today.
Grace n Peace,