Saturday, January 28, 2012
Each page leapt into my heart and challenged my spirit...some pages were like reading my own story in print.
Elizabeth broke me down and broke me open. "Broken Open" challenged the reader to grow more open through pain and hardship rather than close up and die...or worse in my opinion...become bitter and emotionally dead.
Many times throughout my life, I've encountered opportunities to grow. Each encounter with growth has come with the same accompanying tune: Pain. Because depth deposited requires dark pain filled nights in the seat of one's soul.
While reading the book I was questioning a situation that was surrounding me during that period. I heard what I felt like my inner guiding voice of God was saying to me but I could not heed. I wanted the thing I was chasing. I felt it would quench the soul desire. So I dove off...soul open...then I failed. Miserably.
I look back now on that decision with regret...yet it was through that period that I chose to break open...fully...
I really crawled into my own skin and took dwelling of myself during that period of change and heartache. It took THAT to break off the chains of insecurity, fear, and approval addiction. But it was humiliating and it was painful.
I look back over my short years ;-) and I see a common theme...breaking open. I made this conscious decision about 6 years ago. I decided within that I would live life full throttle and completely open. I'm still learning how...but I'm much farther along the path than when I began.
This devotion to the full throttle life has required sustained openness when I wanted to close my heart...It's required courage when I've wanted to run...It's required honesty when fiction would have been easier...It's required saying "this doesn't work for me" and acting upon that...It's been painful.
Living broken open has afforded me sunlit days with friends and family...completely present. It has afforded me full possession of myself and the ability to know my worth. It has blessed me in ways that I thought I'd never see...love...joy unspeakable...unfettered truth...
It has been misunderstood. I have been misunderstood. I continue to be misunderstood. This butterfly girl that I am is completely misunderstood by some.
When you choose to live wide open and lean into the Creator and His world full force...people don't know how to react to you. It freaks them out.
Because within relationships, aren't we supposed to keep our guard up? Aren't we supposed to protect our hearts until we KNOW that they will not fail us? Shouldn't we surrender love to the loveless only when we know they cannot disrupt our inner lives? Shouldn't we weigh every option of our lives before diving off into the unknown decision of a move, a career change, a relationship?
I chose to live in the realm of "no" to those questions. I made and continue to make the decision to dive off into the abyss of life and reap the consequences. It has paid high dividends and set my soul free. It has also provided me with losses. Yet, I find the dividends always outweigh the losses. I find the equation totally worth it.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in boundaries. I live a life of boundaries. When I feel my spirit say "enough"...I act accordingly. When I know a situation is damaging...I walk away. Being broken open does not mean not being and living cleverly...it means being wildly, beautifully, fully open to the possibilities...
Possibilitarian...I love that...I am that...I dwell in possibilities...
It bites me in the butt. It also gives me delight and makes me joyous. I will not live any other way.
Breaking open will be required of us all throughout our lives. When faced with a scary new situation, a lingering old one that requires closure and compassion, or a future possibility...the only way to truly enter into each scenario...and win...is to break open. Not break down. Not shut down. Not close off. Not hide. Not run. Not become angry, mean or bitter.
Break open. Lean into the situation presented and break open.
When you do...you feel as if your soul will crush sometimes...other times you feel so happy your soul might fly away in bliss...both pay huge dividends to the script of your life, character, and heart. If we want to be compassionate, full, loving, led individuals...breaking open is the only way. (or at least I think it is ;-) )
Grace and Peace Friends,