HIS Great things...

I'm forever being challenged and confronted with the American dream...


I sat in my car blinking back tears as I pondered the poverty and hunger within my own home state of Arkansas...


I went inside and put my face in the carpet (seems I need to do this often) and wept for those who will be hungry today...I asked him to help me help...this one...let this one make a difference for one more...


See five minutes before on my drive to church I found myself conducting internal dialog with God...I said to Him inwardly..."I have great things to do I feel...where are they?" (Pride?)


He said "I want you to do things in MY version of great..."


Wow. 


Then I pull into the parking lot and read my printed information on Arkansas Rice Depot:

Arkansas Poverty Facts

• 18% of population live below the Federal Poverty Average
• The 4th poorest state, 503,000 Arkansans live in poverty. 25% of those living in poverty are children.
• In fact, Arkansas has more hungry children than any other state in America.
• The average income of a Food For Seniors recipient is $79/month, after rent and utilities are paid

I wept for my fellow Arkansans...I wept for young and old alike...I wept over my desires to go to Africa to help others when there is almost a quarter of MY state's population starving...

HIS idea of great...I've got to accomplish THAT...Not mine...

I don't have to travel with Compassion International...(although I want to)

I do have to look around me...It's the mandate of Christ...throughout the Gospels we see the early church did much ministering around the dinner table...How can we adequately share the love if they are so hungry they cannot hear?

We are going to help change the statistics. Our church is getting involved and reaching out. We're going to do food drives. We are going to get food into hungry kids backpacks. We're going to help make a difference if only to one.

My dear friend is doing a drive at her church. Her husband is thinking of donating profits from his business. THIS...THIS is the great things He dreams of for us to do...

Reach one...Feed one...Love one...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Eyes for God...-

Rocks are being hurled at him...He kneels knowing these are his last moments on mother earth...

Rather than meeting his creator surrounded by love...He is being sent to eternity with hatred and wrath surrounding him...

"But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, hardly noticed - He only had eyes for God..." Acts 7:55-56 (MSG)

I've been focusing on Acts this week for my reading. Sitting in my car before and after classes, soaking in these men...this community of God lovers that GOT IT...truly GOT IT...

Then I sit with the book this morning and I begin reading about Stephen...

The words jump out at me..."He only had eyes for God..."


Acts says the mob that was stoning him was "yelling, hissing"...yet He is so aware of God...He is completely unaware of the mob...

How does that happen? How does one get to that place?

We often tell our lovers "I only have eyes for you..." then a pretty girl or handsome guy walks by...

It's become cliche'.

So in a distracted culture of electronics, selfishness, materialism, and idolatry...How do I truly only have eyes for him?

Relationship.

I think back to my first love...(whom I married and produced two cherubs with)...

I was smitten...absolutely smitten...to the point that I honestly thought He was THE most amazing man on the planet and I truly didn't look at other men...

As I think of this, It comes to me that it also could be factored in that I was innocent as well...unencumbered by responsibilities, real relationship problems such as finances etc., and our relationship had not been tainted yet by betrayals or pain...

We were in love...building towards a life...sharing laughter and love...supporting each other and believing that there was NO OTHER...

NO OTHER.

Aha.

NO OTHER.

We were so filled to the brim with one one another that NO OTHER could enter in and take our gaze from each other.

Stephen...He only had eyes for God because God was his ONLY lover...He was not encumbered by materialism, idolatry, hatred, un-forgiveness, lust, or lack of belief...He simply chose to place his eyes on the one that he knew could overcome those things and love him fully...

Don't get me wrong...I don't believe for a second that it was easy for Stephen to ask for forgiveness for his murderers WHILE they stoned him...or was it?

Did he love God so much and God loved him so much that he enabled him to cruise right through his own death, eyes locked in on Heaven, not experiencing pain, but the exhilaration of going home to his lover?

I don't know. Scripture doesn't say.

But this I do know: To live a life of eyes fixed on Christ my lover, I must love him more than anything. Period. Bottom line.

If I love him more than anything, then my eyes will stay fixed. I will only have eyes for Him.

I don't believe in our humanity that this means we will never fall, never move our gaze and become distracted...but, it does mean that when we do...this loving relationship provides acceptance and forgiveness when we look back into the eyes of our lover...

Because if we know one another, then there is a mutual trust...a knowing...a understanding of one another and our motives...when we are fully in love then we will strive to fulfill one another no holds barred...

Eyes for God...begins with love...unencumbered with other loves...it's a monogamous, passionate, fully alive experience...and it's the only way...

Stephen held the gaze of his lover Christ while he floated from this earth...because he knew that this earth was temporary and held him too far away from his passionate love affair...He was going home...and nothing could take his eyes away...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Goin' to church for fun...

"Mommy! I met a girl that goes to NLC!" (Local church) she says...

"Really? How did you find that out?"

"Well, we were all in the library and my teacher asked what we like to do. I said, 'Go to church.' Then she told me she went to church."

My heart swells with pride...and gratitude...

I whisper silent..."Thank You..."

Because...she get's it...this bundle of chubby baby that has grown into an amazing, charming, intelligent third grader...get's the big picture...

I sit them down weekly...tell them..."The most important thing in your life. Period. Not stuff. Not relationships. Not anything. It's you loving Jesus and knowing He can be anything you need."

I believe this...I try to live it...

So this revelation of pride in our Savior...is so sweet to me...so full of promise for my babe...

If we can all just "get it"...as the screw up King David did...and "pitch our tents in the land of hope"...the land of relationship with a lover that totally fulfills and supplies...

Quit making it so hard...just fall in love with a Savior...we'd all be happier...freer...

We'd all "Go to church for fun"...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Living Proof...

I must tell you that my brain is back on overload from school and studying...but I will share my latest inspiration piece...


The Help. See it. 


I saw this with my dear mother Saturday and it was so great to share those moments with her...we were both inspired.


I searched The Help soundtrack and found the song below from Mary J Blige...the words bore into my heart...


On the days all you do is study...


On the days all you do is wipe noses and bottoms...


On the days you fall into your house after working 12 hours...


On the days you can't think straight anymore because of the pain...


Remember these words...they are truly beautiful...


You ARE LIVING PROOF...YOU WILL MAKE IT...and so will I :-)

Living Proof 

It’s gonna be a long long journey
It’s gonna be an uphill climb
It’s gonna be tough
It’s gonna be some lonely nights
But I am ready to carry on
I am so glad the worst is over
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything
And finally I am not afraid to breathe
Anything you said to me
And everything you do
You can’t deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof
So many thoughts fight
They just can’t make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof
Oh yes I am

Thinking about life been painful
Yes it was
Took a lot to learn how to smile
So now I am gonna talk to my people about the storm
Oh so glad the worst is over
I can start flying now
My best days are in front of me
I am almost there
Cause now I am free
Everything you say to me
And everything you do
You can’t deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof
So many those who fight
They just can’t make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

I know where I am going
Cause I know where I have been
I am gonna feel starts that showing
I am gonna keep rolling
That’s the way that I will
Everything you say to me
And everything you do

You can’t deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof
So many those who fight
They just can’t make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

Nothing about my life has been easy
But nothing is gonna keep me down
Cause I know a lot about today
And I know yesterday
So I am ready to carry on
Oh Lord

Grace N Peace,

A ~

Destroying my life from within...

You are making me new...You make me new....You are making me new...

Gungor plays...I read...

"Destroying your life from within." James 5:3 (The Message)

The passage is talking about greed for money...riches...yet couldn't it apply anywhere?

Don't I have sole responsibility for my inward life?

The rehearsed lines of woe or triumph? The lies or truths?

Doesn't the destruction of a day begin within my mind? The destruction of relationships with a thought led to a untamed word slipped from an untrained tongue?

You are making me new...You make me new...You are making me new...


"Take the old prophets as your mentors. They put up with anything, went through everything, and never once quit, all the time honoring God. What a gift life is to those who stay the course! You've heard, of course, of Job's staying power, and you know how God brought it all together at the end. That's because God cares, cares right down to the last detail." James 5:10-11

You make beautiful things...You make beautiful things out of the dust...You make beautiful things out of us...


I hate those freakin' prophets for putin' up with anything and going through EVERYTHING without quitting...I mean SERIOUSLY? NEVER quit?

Yet it seems that their mere staying power...the staying on the running track of life without stopping and sitting on the green grass got them to God...

Is that all it takes? Staying the course? What about abundant life?

I think some days...IT IS simply your staying power and not folding and destroying your life from within is all you can do...

Other days...abundant life filled with flowers and butterflies...

But on the days where I begin to destroy my life from the inside...I must sit down with my God...turn on my Gungor...open up the love letter...and remind myself that He is making me new...and today...I stay the course...because if I stay the course...He ALWAYS brings it together in the end...

All this earth could all that is lost be found, could a garden come up from this ground at all?
You make beautiful things...You make beautiful things out of the dust...You make beautiful things...You make beautiful things out of us...
All around hope is springing up from this old ground, out of chaos life is being found in you...
You make beautiful things...You make beautiful things out of the dust...You make beautiful things...You make beautiful things out of us...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Sit back and Shut up...

I am the quintessential starter of a million projects and ideals. I'm always in 4 books at a time. I'm always finding a new plan to follow...it's exhausting. :-)

Last night, after conversing with dear Cheyenne on FB about a new plan I want to follow for the next 30 days, I laid in bed reminding myself of all the parenting books I needed to read...all the exercise I needed to perform...and all the plans I needed to follow...

Then I asked God..."Where am I? What do I need to focus on?"

I thought back over my week...

Three conversations...deep conversations...with friends that were raw...intimate...an unveiling...

Hard conversations for both parties but necessary for openness and growth...

I don't need more plans. I need to relax in Him and learn to listen and trust. Bottom Line (Danny).

Bottom Line.

I am such a butterfly...full of flight and wonderment...that I fly in conversations and life...

I love this about myself but it can get me into trouble...

So...I'm taking the next leg of the journey to sit back...say less...listen more...and learn from others...

I wish I had more to give you today...but it's where I am...growth...and acceptance that I need to expand my silence sometimes rather than my flight...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

SOAR...(not Score...well I guess we actually DO score...I digress)

I've found myself in Isaiah this week...digging...trying to understand the background through commentaries (which admittedly is TOTALLY not this butterfly's style)


I wanted to get it...the context...who these beautiful verses were for and how it applies to me now...


I think what I've found is that basically the book is mostly about a people lost in their sinfulness and a God angered, hurt and disappointed by them. (If there's more...and I'm sure there is...give me your insights). 


God continuously through the book tries to reconcile these people to Himself. They are hard hearted and needy. Searching everywhere but Him.


Hmmmm....sound familiar? 


I read Isaiah 52-55 tonight and was so filled with the beauty of the book. The writer composes this chapter of History as poetry almost...


I read it in the New King James and The Message...both equally compelling...


When I came to chapter 55 (New King James Version)...I swelled...


“Ho! Everyone who thirsts,
      Come to the waters;
      And you who have no money,
      Come, buy and eat.
      Yes, come, buy wine and milk
      Without money and without price.
       ² Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
      And your wages for what does not satisfy?
      Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
      And let your soul delight itself in abundance." 


Let me point out the words I LOVE: 


HO (Just kidding)
Everyone
No Money
Eat
Does not satisfy
Delight
Abundance


Can you relate to any of these words? (sans Ho)


We have just lost our AAA rating...everyone is on edge...rumors of wars...famine...poverty...sexualization of an entire culture...abuse...crime...desperation...


When I see a passage that includes EVERYONE...those without...to come and eat...for no cost...invited to delight...in ABUNDANCE...


I soar inside. 


How beautiful is this God. This EVERLASTING God. Yes this passage was for another time and another people...but I choose to believe that this God who never changes...this God who is completely impartial...this God still extends this invitation to us today...SOAR...


He goes on later in the chapter to say:


So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
      It shall not return to Me void,
      But it shall accomplish what I please,
      And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
       ¹² “ For you shall go out with joy,
      And be led out with peace;
      The mountains and the hills
      Shall break forth into singing before you,
      And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. 


Words I love:


Not return void
Accomplish
Prosper
Joy
Led with peace
Singing
Trees (guilty pleasure no spiritual meaning :-) )


So...in this world of broken homes and lives...bills unable to be paid...bodies broken and diseased...hearts forever tormented and bruised...


In this world, there is a God that once told the people He loved...I'm not allowing my words to come back without fullness and accomplishment. I'm going to let you prosper with joy and be led by peace. When you walk through the land, mountains and hills (mute objects of nature) will sing to you. 


Wow. SOAR. 


How this passage feeds me...whatever the different interpretations of this passage might be...it feeds me...


Because this wonderful God who loves us...He NEVER changes...


And if he NEVER changes...I just believe He still offers such delicacies to this modern day people of His heart...


SOAR. 


What a beautiful Lord...


Grace n Peace,


A ~


If I'm totally off in the theology...I apologize in advance :-) Theologian I am not. God Lover I am :-).

Sometimes I just don't do it right.

I'm grappling...


Out of nowhere it seems, I've been doused in humanity. I've had a weird, splaying 3 weeks. 


That's all I can say about it. Events unfolded and my humanity unfolded. 


I have been smacked with my own selfish agendas, thought patterns, hatred, lack of trust, and fear. 


My plans have been shot to hell.  My spreadsheets with dates, black and white and definitive...now seem very empty and waiting to be filled.


By someone else. I don't have the password to unlock the worksheet. 


It makes me angry. It makes me tired. It makes me terse.


But those emotions do not change the fact that I'm not the controller of the spreadsheet of my life. 


I'm allowed to view it. I'm allowed to follow the spreadsheet out. I'm allowed to ask questions. 


I'm not allowed to contribute the lines though. I'm secondary.


I'll be honest...I'm not doing good with this setup. I'm struggling through days.


I'm sickened some days by what I find within my own chambers...abilities to fall, abilities to hurt others, abilities to be led by flesh; pride, lust, failure, contempt, hatred, fallacy, pharisee...it's sickening...


At every emerging chapter of my life, I think I've mastered the God thing....I've mastered the learning curve...I've mastered trust...I've mastered humility...


Then I open the next chapter...


I'm quite wrong. 


Debasement. I find it key in my journey. It might not be in yours.


But apparently I think pretty highly of myself and my ideas...my plans...


So God keeps coming in and re-cleaning the chambers...He takes away my access to the spreadsheet...


He shields the plans from me...because I've shown I'm not advanced enough yet to work the next step...


But the beauty of the crappy moment...is that He doesn't fire me. He doesn't usher me out of the room and write me up...


He ushers me to a chair on the other side of the desk...sits patiently and listens as I explain my heart, failures, thoughts...then He says...


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


I breathe easy again...relax into my chair and realize...He knows what is best...


He takes away control of the sheet for my good...He knows my strengths...He knows my weaknesses...He knows where I am in the process...


He navigates the days as I'm ready...He refines my character and heart...Grace.


When I'm operating in flesh...Grace.


When I'm operating in spirit...Grace.


He knows my days. He knows my path. He knows my spreadsheet.


And the reality is...sometimes I don't get to...


So onward I trust...


Grace n Peace,


A ~

Waiting...

                                               Waiting

Serene, I fold my hands and wait, Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea; I rave no more 'gainst time or fate, For lo! my own shall come to me. I stay my haste, I make delays, For what avails this eager pace? I stand amid the eternal ways, And what is mine shall know my face. Asleep, awake, by night or day, The friends I seek are seeking me; No wind can drive my bark astray, Nor change the tide of destiny. What matter if I stand alone? I wait with joy the coming years; My heart shall reap where it hath sown, And garner up its fruit of tears. The waters know their own and draw The brook that springs in yonder height; So flows the good with equal law Unto the soul of pure delight. The stars come nightly to the sky; The tidal wave unto the sea; Nor time, nor space, nor deep, nor high, Can keep my own away from me. John Burroughs

I'm just a dumb sheep...

Tears fall fresh and hot against my cheeks as I grip the steering wheel...

She whispers..."I know. I know."

I say in the heat "I just have nothing left to lose."

Then as quickly as I say these horrible words, I try to suck them back in...

Breathing repentant breaths for the mere thought that all is lost...

It is not. It is far from lost. I still have what is most dear.

But I feel so...helpless...so finite...

We search together trying to make the pieces of yet another puzzle fit...then we open to Grace...

We open to God and trust...

We leave the line with no more answers than which we came in this mess of a world and it's requirements to living...

Yet we leave filled...

Satisfied that HE IS...

I weep transparent to my confidant...weep over anguished dreams and unrealized hurts...

She consoles...breathes back life into my soul...holds me steady...

We trust together...

We are the body...

I arrive in the driveway of a home that I live in but cannot call my own...I am struck again by the sense of loss...

I sit on the easy couch and muse the options...again...

I cannot make any one option fit...

Are you making me fluid God? Are you closing doors with a plan? I know the answers...

They are forever "Yes"....

I whisper it again...the sentence that unravels me...sets me free in one easy swoop...

"I. Surrender."


Peace comes fleetingly....emotions continue to run high and rampant...but as I lean into this season of decisions and acceptance...I realize maybe...quite maybe...this is His point...

No clear direction. Blind Faith.

Pure attachment, devotion, and dependence upon a Lover that never fails...

I think back to her words "Maybe that's it Amanda. Because after all, He doesn't care about our educations. He doesn't care about our plans. He cares about the issues of our souls."

Yes. I think so.

I am following. I am the dumb sheep. I don't know how to find my way through the valley spare the Shepherd.

He only gives me enough for today: Don't. Go. That. Way.


Tomorrow He will provide the direction for that day.

Emotions don't follow the decision. Yet I know He is near.

As the shepherd sits under the Cyprus and sings to the sheep...So I feel Him singing over me...shading me...

I lie down in green pastures...He restores my soul...

Grace n Peace,

A ~