Survive first. Thrive last.

I'm a recovering worrier...

I spent my twenties fretting. Worried sick. Pale from inner distress.(OK...I'm really just pale naturally but that's beside the point.)

Then I went through a terrible divorce.

Twice.

Voila! I quit worrying...

I know it sounds completely absurd. Funny even. Yet...it truly happened.

When I was going through my second divorce, I physically felt the burden of worry separate itself from me.

I pondered this phenom happening for quite some time...wondering why going trudging through a completely terrible ordeal would free me from such a burden...from such a pathology...

Obviously, God set me free. In the strangest of ways...

So deeply ashamed...my worst fears had happened to me. To my children. I was mortified...deflated... Then His wonderment struck me...

Hurdled over the heart by this singular realization: All I ever feared would killed me...should it happen...did...

And...

I was ALIVE.

I was ALIVE. I was FREE. Saved...

I had not been destroyed.

My children showed resilience.

We were swaddled in peace and spiritual prosperity.

Earthly despondence and failures could not shake the rock solid love we felt in our hearts. Nothing could or can.

Since that period in my life I've undergone massive changes on every level of my living...changes I thought I could never thrive underneath.

Yet I find myself completely unshaken. Completely in Shalom.

He keeps my heart in perfect peace...

I find myself stressed...exhausted...stretched...but shaken? Never.

I walk in wonderment in the small...gratefulness for the minimal...and absolute grace from my God, my family, my children, and myself.

If you're knee deep in worry today, take a moment. Ask yourself this: If this *insert situation, relationship, failing* happens, will I die? Will I be without ANY hope?

I know you might be thinking: YES! It will kill me!

It won't. I know people that have gone through horrific incidences that, though limping...they are still walking through life with wonderment.

What we think today will kill us...usually tomorrow makes perfect sense.

Six years later after a divorce, I am free of angst towards the situation. Six years ago, I felt I'd never recover. I had massive worries that started something like "If THAT happens (he moves on, etc.) I don't know what I'll do."

All those massive worries...came true...

Guess what? I survived. THEN I thrived.

You survive first. Thrive last.

You don't get the lessons without the revelation of teaching.

And there is this mindset that if you are thriving...you have enough money, you have no conflicts, you are getting plenty of rest, there are no worries present...NOPE.

It is completely possible to thrive in life amazement while exhausted, broke, nursing an emotional wound, and not knowing what the future holds...

The key to thriving in amazement of life: CHOOSE to be amazed and astounded and the deepest blessings of aliveness from God NO MATTER WHAT. Notice what is good around you...no matter how small...realize that everything...EVERYTHING is a pure, undeserved, glorious gift.

Then...rest.

Ask God to show you that you will survive.

Believe you will...sit back...

Be in wonderment of the obvious...

Sunshine...

Your children's laughter...

Those who love and help you unconditionally...

Then...get ready to THRIVE!

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Small Kind.

We stood in the wind and he pumped my gas. Divorce final a day before...we didn't have the words. "Baby...I can't take the hurt away...but I can fill up your tank." I didn't need the gas...but that simple act from my Daddy still stands out in my mind. I felt less alone...

I my patient on the floor of his room...he is undone. Blood oozes from the gash on his head. I help him to the wheelchair...He is all flail and none steady. Later as I set his meal before him he begins to weep...I rub his back and tell him not to worry...we all fall sometimes...It's ok...It's OK...
He eats his Alfredo with his hands trying to maintain some shred of decorum and pride...then sleeps peacefully.

She stands on the potty to avoid the germs in her classroom bathroom like I taught her...somehow she does not maneuver just right and ends up wet. Humiliated. She goes to the school nurse who says "Oh my! I've done the same thing!" She lights up as she tells me the story...grateful to not be alone in her predicament.

Small. Kindness.

I find it matters more to me and others than the giant generosities. I continue through my hazed fatigue to try to find ways to be small kind...
Generous kind...
I thank Him for the times I am the receiver of such small mercies...
They sustain the human soul...
Buoy...
Ignite the belief that life is good...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Everything...(*warning might have some typos..a bit punchdrunk from sleep deprivation)

I'm reading this book called "Anything: The prayer that unlocked my God and my Soul" by Jennie Allen.

It's like a soul sister to "Radical" by David Platt.

I lay in bed last night after a long shift...and prayed..."Anything God...no wait...EVERYTHING God...
"
I'm afraid to leave anything out.

To withhold any pieces...

This year has brought a new perspective to my life viewing...it's all eternal...what could be considered trouble or trial...pales...and if I allow this thinking to pervade my selfish, humanistic mind I can appropriately place perspective on...well...EVERYTHING...

Everything feels as though it might turn out very very different for me...
I'm adventurous...when I pray everything...I envision Kenya...I envision the ends of the earth...and love it...

But for now...it looks like He is saying...YOUR everything...is right here...in Conway, AR...fleshing it out for my glory to two little girls...to others...worshipping me EVERYWHERE...

Admittedly, this is contrary to my radical mind...I think everything means extravangant tales of indigenous peoples saved to a loving powerful God...and it might...

But it also means living out love every day...in the laundry...on the job...at school...in the parent teacher conferences...in the...mundane...

It's quite radical...at least for me...
I know others would breathe sighs of relief for this seasonal calling...but it's been a challenge for my red headed personality and heart...

However, I find God sanctifying me through the mundane...the repriprocity of kindness in the small...the reconciliation to the simple...

I also find that when we pray everything...it probably looks vastly different than our idea of everything...
He knows what I need...

I find eternity based daily living so freeing...I don't fret...I'm completely at peace...

No funds? Have to work 16 hour shifts? No worries...this is momentary...

No idea about the next step? No worries...He will illuminate the footing in His time...

No strength? His is incredibly perfect...

Eternity...what a consolation to no longer live for me...Everything...

Everything...

Everything...

Grace n Peace,
A ~

Sun and Moon

It's dark in the car...I turn on the music and lean in...

If you are the sun
then I wanna be the moon
I wanna reflect the light that shines from you
And if this is war
Then I'm gonna draw my sword
This time I know what I am fighting for...
I become undone...not the messy, unstoppable undone...this is quiet...deep...impenatrable... I reflect on the blood I carried yesterday in my hands...eager to be transfused to a waiting body in need...gelatinous...life sustaining...blood...

I breath the thought...not even the words...

"I don't like my blood Father...I want your blood..."

Transfuse me.

Sun and Moon play again...

"God I wanna let you know
I want everything you are
I'm waiting for the morning light to show
a fire in the dark."

I knew my Christianity would ebb and flow...change...I didn't realize how much I would...

I didn't realize that sometimes it would be...hard...a force to be reckoned with...this thing called life...
I wasn't prepared for the attacks...

"And if this is war
Then I'm gonna draw my sword
This time I know what I am fighting for..."

Time has told the tale...there is a reason the focal point of our faith is the cross...the messy...disparaging...flesh ripping cross...

How could I ever think that if the Savior that lost it all for me in such a messy, embarrassing, non-defended way could require anything less?

"If love is a choice
Then I need you to hear my voice
I'm the one knocking on your door making all this noise
Whatever it takes
I give it all away
I wanna show my love in a thousand ways."

Yet...somehow...through the constant transfusions...it is a life like no other...markedly different than those walking about with deep pallor and visible deficiencies...in need of the gelatinous blood type that only He donates...

Those transfused with His blood though at times weak from the ailment of humanity that they cannot avoid...seem...well...colored...peaceful...able to carry on...even joyful...

I speak it this time...if only a whisper...

"Transfuse me today...the humanity that runs through my veins has become so sludged...I don't want any blockages that keep my heart from beating for you...Transfuse you...medicate me with your word...remove the blockages...I'm the one...it's my voice...my thought voice making all this noise..whatever it takes...I give myself away..."

"Shine your light, I wanna feel you now
God I need a miracle
Take my heart, make it glow
Shine your light from the inside out
I wanna be more like you
If you are the sun, I wanna be the moon."

I press repeat...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

*Thanks to Phil Wickham for "Sun and Moon" not just today but all the days I lean into it...

Flip Your Single Parent Theology. You've got this.

My dear friend once said something that I've never forgotten...I was lamenting about the heartache in my children's lives due to the broken home...she said "Amanda, this will be Sydney's salvation. We live in a broken world. ALL children will have brokenness to deal with..." I have pondered that over the last few years. Prayed over it...read the statistics of the fatherless...spoken the word specifically over my girls...and I've come to some conclusions...

1. In our lives, single parenting is a gift and we will view it no other way. In my home, we discuss the pain as it arrives from not having a live-in father. But, we do not lament that we have any less of a life. We have each other. We are blessed. We don't live in Sudan as refugees. We aren't hungry. We are loved and sheltered. We DO NOT lament.
2. We have a Father: His name is Jesus. He is enough. When we cry, we go to Him. When we need answers, we go to Him. When we celebrate, we include Him. We are NOT fatherless. We are fathered by the almighty. He is MORE than enough.
3. We tell the truth. Always. Even when it hurts. I allow my children to spill their hearts out. Bleeding. Sometimes sinful, always human to me...Truth sets us free. It liberates. We tell the truth. Then we sort through it piece by piece.
4. We live grateful. We don't long for large homes. We don't long for material possessions. We live grateful. (Of course, long way to go here for all three. I admit there are some Vintage boots I lust after...I digress) This has incurred a deep sense of maturity within the girls that they are satisfied mostly with enough. They are conscious of high prices and do not ask for much. They are quick to give away money and possessions. This makes me happy.
5. We marvel. When we pull up to the bus stop, we marvel at the pink strewn sunny sky. When we see glorious old trees bent through the years, we exclaim "How beautiful!" Wonderment leads us outside of ourselves and into the realm of gratitude. Wonderment reminds us that beauty is all around and does not have to be purchased. Wonderment.
6. I allow my children to see me fail and I apologize. I'd love to say I never raise my voice, never get stressed, always appear as calm as the virgin Mary...yeah it doesn't happen that way. But when I catch myself caught in the stress of humanity and I unnecessarily find myself hard, unkind, ungentle...I apologize. I want my children to know that I am not perfect. Because I want them to know they don't have to be either. So. I say I failed. I say I'm sorry. Then I try to do better.
7. I involve others to nurture and speak into my children. They need more than me. I'm totally OK with this. I do not feel threatened in the slightest to allow others to show my girls different thoughts and ways of life. They need more than me. I'm grateful for any and all love they receive in this life. Life is tough. It takes a village.
8. I hold my children responsible. Just because they are from a single parent home does not mean they can grow up and be free loaders. I mean...I have plans ya know...they can't live with me till they die! I hold them accountable for their chores, their homework, their assigned responsibilities. If they are lax, I don't bail them out. Part of growing up is learning that we are responsible for our life's trajectory. Life is fun...but life also is work.
9. We are required to have fun. Always. I am a firm believer that childhood should be unencumbered by adult issues and problems. I have always tried to shield my kids from unnecessary stress and heartaches. I want them to be kids. I want them to play outside till they are 82.7. You get one childhood. I want theirs to last and I don't want them wearing booty shorts at 12 (or 40 for that matter). I want them to love being kids and not try to grow up too fast. Life is short enough. Have fun.
10. Yes. We are different. We will walk in our "differentness" and delight in the one who made us this way. I encourage individuality within each of my girls. If it's not hurting anyone, and they are merely expressing their God given uniqueness, I try to say yes. We've had pink hair streaks, black nails, mismatched clothing...the list goes on...They tried it, they got it out of their system, they know I support their individuality. This is extremely important to me. I want my children to be able to make the choice to live in the box or throw away the box. I'll love them either way.

I know that single parenting is one of the most intricate, tiring, thankless jobs in the world. But I truly believe it's one of the most rewarding. Every time I hold my baby girl and she tells me "I'd never want any other mom but you. You're the best..."I'm rewarded. Every time I have deep discussions with my oldest about literature...heart issues...and I see that she is becoming my friend not just my child..I'm rewarded.

If you are a single parent, flip your theology: Try seeing single parenthood as a gift.

Thank God for whatever it was that he might be saving you and your darlings from and keep trucking.

Cry on the hard days.

Marvel on the good ones.

But know: You ARE different. Different is good. You've got a lot going for you. I'm rooting for you. I'm praying for you. I'm with you. You've got an amazing Father in your corner. It will be worth it all. You're the creme de la creme. God's word shows He has a strong passion for the fatherless. He's rooting for you too. Keep truckin'. 

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Grafting of my soul tree...

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love....
For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want...
 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:13,17, 22-25 NIV

My mentor says I'm way too hard on myself. In some regards I am...yet there are other subconscious areas of my inner life that lay so deeply rooted within, I am not even aware they are present. These personalities go undetected. Voices that speak to my heart and out of my mouth before I realize that yes...those attributes are a part of me.

God has been shifting...sifting...me...
Showing me the deepest parts of my soul and makeup...
Attributes I was not ready and not even evolved enough to recognize until this season...
Until now, I believe He had so much to work through on the surface...on the immediate, obvious areas of my soul that these deeper pseudo soul aspects went unnoticed...
Now He sifts...

It's unnerving.
I find myself having major internal dialogues with God...all day...

He pricks me after certain thoughts.

He wrecks me after certain words.

It's immediate.

It's painful.

It's neccessary.

I find that He is teaching me basic elements of community. I'm relearning how to love others that are not like me. How to love others I don't like. How to love others and not JUDGE others. I didn't realize I was so judgemental. So dismissive. So rude.

There are times I hear myself and I am appalled...ashamed...repentant...

These days are the days I realize that Matt Chandler is right when he says "Holiness is constant confession and repentance..."

I'm confessing and repenting more these days than ever before...and not because my lifestyle has changed one iota...but because God is pushing harder...deeper...He wants more of me...

I want more of Him...

I didn't realize at 35 that I would be learning how to be "in" the "world" (whatever that means because we're all on the same playing field...sinners) and remain loyal to the fruits of the spirit within these friendships....
Love...
Joy...
Peace...
GENTLENESS...
LONGSUFFERING...
KINDNESS...

I sit in class and pray..."Father...I'm who I don't want to be...my responses when I'm tired...my responses when I'm irritated...my tone...Father...work on me..."

It's a constant sifting of the soul and the deepest elements of my raising and theologies...

He's grafting a new branch on my soul tree...Gentleness...

It does not come naturally to me...

I'm driven. I'm fun. I'm loyal. I'm a lover. But I'm not always gentle.

I'm brutally honest and have a way of blurting out truths...which I later realize are judgements...not gentle...

So I'm not "working" on this...I'm allowing, begging, confessing to, and releasing this area of my soul tree to God...

And ever so surely...day after day...restrained tongue after confession...He is chopping off that limb and grafting the limb of gentleness and love in it's place...

It will be a while before I'll be able to know that this new limb is a permanant fixture on my trunk.

It will be gradual...just like training for the marathon...

But this I know...it's in each confession...just like each sweat drenched run...that He is producing a desired outcome in me...not like works...no no...this is quite different...

Just like sweat (pardon the grossness) removes impurities and keeps my body in sync during the training until the ultimate event...Repentance, confession, and constant surrender removes the areas of my soul that need to be worked out...removed...replaced with stronger Christ attributes...

This is LOVE...Each soul confession drenches me in more love for Him...for "them"...because that is my initial motivation...

My love for Him...and IF I love Him...I become more like Him...

I cannot stay the same...stagnancy will rot my roots and I will lose my soul tree...

I must stretch towards the sky and the sunshine...I must allow the grafting to shape me into the beautiful soul oak He has planned for me...

Because others will need my shade one day...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Why I broke up with Facebook...

Well Hello Facebook...It's been awhile!

I've been on silence so I thought I would let you know why I dumped you.

You see, I saw that I was making you an idol in my life. I realized that I was finding the accolades I received from you so primary...and truth be told, your accolades are lovely but you never see the real me. You never see the parts that fall and are fallen. You only see the together picture that always looks so lovely behind the instagram lense changes...

I needed those accolades to be inconsequential. I needed to love my physical, real life. I needed to live in the now.

 After all, you are a fake. I like you...but you're fake.

You'll never really lead me to an authentic, fulfilling life because you are "veneer"...unreachable, untouchable. I can create whatever I want to be for the day and you will accept that from me...Never asking for community, authenticity, or discipline. You long for the veneered part of me and I'm sad to say...I'm just not that girl.

So...I left you.

I know you're wondering what I've been doing and who I've been hanging out with since I dumped you...
Please don't be heartbroken...I've been focusing on actual people that are physically present around me. I looked for exchanges in every day life with others that I might not have noticed had I been buried in your pages. I read more, and listened harder. I surrendered to stillness. I grew.

And I found someone...

He is the loveliest of the lovelies...
You cannot imagine the depths he goes to know me...
He woos me...
He sits in stillness with me requiring nothing in return...
He holds me at night when my defenses are down...
He knows my faults...
He wrote this amazing love letter to me that I have been so immersed in that I completely forgot about you...and the really cool thing is, He sees me in ways you never could...It's like..He already knew me.

When I read the letters He wrote to me, I find something different in each line that solidifies my truest self and I fall deeper and deeper in love...

I know this hurts dear FB, but you just aren't what I'm looking for in a relationship. I know you've done your best but you're shallow, prideful, arrogant at times, and downright naughty. You are so stingy with my time when I'm committed to you, and I'm just tired of your games. You and your friends in other parts of the techy world lend to veneers that promise big but deliver minute.

I need more.

You just don't have what it takes to satisfy my needs.

We can still be friends...and I will visit you for fun and giggles...but we won't be exclusive and I won't believe the hype you feed me about myself. It all goes back to my love...

You see, ANYTHING that pulls my affections...anything that monopolizes my time and numbs my life from real encounters with my love and His children...has to go. I've been minimizing distractions and focusing on what truly matters in the radical, eternal, lasting scheme of things...and you just don't make the cut. When I look over at my love and His children, all these distractions seem so cheap. So meaningless. So boring compared to living in the life I have with them...

Oh! I forgot to tell you His name...it's the loveliest...most beautiful name...

Jesus.

Doesn't it have the loveliest ring to it? Like angels singing?

When I whisper His name, I get all tingly inside and my heart leaps...you never did that for me.

When I think His name during my days, I'm calm. Fortified. Deeper somehow. Cares are inconsequential to me because he supplies all my needs.

It's quite perfect really...

In closing, thank you for what you tried to offer me. We tried to make a go of it, we really did. But in the end, I wasn't created for you. I was created for Jesus.

He's pretty much consumed every fiber of my being...I'm quite in love.

I'll see you around and we'll laugh and catch up...but I'll be busy with my relationship so you'll have to accept my sloppy seconds.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Do you admit your "knowing"? (For lack of a more glamorous title)

I was nine the first time I remember feeling the distinct feeling that I was different...
It was a strange knowing...I knew I didn't fit the mold. It was unnerving but peaceful. I knew that I would never be like anyone else and there would be a price to pay for that...and there has been.

I watched the new movie "Brave" today with a rugged little redheaded heroine. I felt that feeling again...that distinct feeling again...It was as strong of a current as I've ever felt...Individuality that runs strong and straight...like an electrical pole through me that illuminates and tethers me to myself and my creator...

In Brave, the heroine questions "Am I willing to pay the price for my freedom?" I was wonderstruck. I knew in that dark theater that my resounding answer to the question has, and always will be, "YES!!"

Which led me to my next thought: Why have I squelched this knowing within myself? Why have I been ashamed to admit this feeling God placed deep within? Why do we equate ego with security within our birth right to individuality?

I mean, didn't God ignite that voice and current inside of us? Didn't He give me that knowing at 9 to carry me through the mistakes I would make at 28, 31, and 34? Wasn't that liquid courage He poured into my core a God given wonderment? I have to think so...

Then that leads me to this: Why should I be ashamed of that? Why should I feel like I'm bragging when I stand steeped in knowing who God created me to be? It's a bit asinine. Who am I to not walk in the beauty of who He created me to be? Who am I to question His expertise?

That whole lovely scripture we quote about Him knowing us in utero...we don't believe it. We dumb ourselves down. We play it off as humility; when it's really insecurity. We ALL have a knowing. Granted they might be different. While mine is electrical, yours might be very very quiet. While mine sings and screams, yours might be the most beautiful Celine song I've never heard. That's the cool part about God. He creates individuals.

And we...WE...

We must be brave enough to pay the price to be individuals. For if we don't, we've robbed the world of a gift.

Please don't rob me of that Celine song, my screaming ADD voice really needs some soothing after I've screamed out my love and peace all day. :-)

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Trekking, Dust, and Wildness...

I'm a long time black and white, right the wrong kind of girl. I don't like victims. I hate those who blatantly use the weak and exploit them knowingly or unknowingly. Transparently, I want to kick their butts.

I'm learning though, that try as I might to do all the right things and help, some situations just don't want to budge and people don't want light on the darkness. Don't misunderstand, when I say "help", I mean walk uprightly, continue to do good in the face of evil, and turn the other cheek. I'm not a proponent for trying to control others and their ideologies or dysfunctions about life. All we can control is ourselves, our involvement, and our reactions. I digress.

I've been perplexed over a situation for quite some time. I've done all I could yet it doesn't seem to budge. I get angry. The injustice of it all fills my heart like a spiritual cigarette and I become clouded with the angst and pain of the situation. It's only natural. I'm OK with that. But it lingers. It hurts. I take the bundle of pain on my back time and again to the cross...to receive fresh socks and hiking boots for the trek up and across the terrain of the soul that I am meant to carry...

I am refreshed though matted and caked with dust and sweat from the endless journey.

This morning I breathed a heart prayer "Talk to me about THIS..."

Then I read:

Acts 13:50 But the Jewish leaders incited the God-fearing women of high standing and the leading men of the city. They stirred up persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them from their region. 51 So they shook the dust off their feet as a warning to them and went to Iconium. 52 And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.


There are some battles. Some hikes. Some situations. We WILL NOT FIX.


When it becomes clear to us that the battle is draining our reserves, draining our joy, draining our power in the spirit...it's time to shake the dust and move on.

What I love about this passage is that Paul and Barnabas didn't look back and weep, they didn't act like they had been victimized, they simply recognized the situation for what it was then moved on and forward with joy and the power of the Holy Spirit.

I felt so released at this powerful passage. There will always be treks we cannot abandon...we will have to hike them...sometimes all our lives...

BUT...we do not have to engage with the wild animals, snakes, or bugs on the trail...we shake the dust, we keep walking, and we don't look back. We treat our injuries. Then we walk in joy and the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the only way if we are to live free. 

Because if we engage with the wildness of the trail and fall into the trap of trying to "fix" and "argue" our way through the terrain instead of walking...here is our warning of what will happen:


Proverbs 17:19 Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin;
    whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.


We INVITE sin into our lives and onto our trail. We run the risk of building spiritual and emotional fortresses (gates) trying to keep the wildness out and instead we break our hearts and spirits down in the process. We are NOT MEANT TO QUARREL OR BUILD FORTRESSES.


We are meant to walk the trail in joy and power of the Holy Spirit. We do not have to engage with the wildness. Once the dangers of the trail become clear (sometimes this takes time and spiritual discernment) and we are certain this wildness is only out to attack...we walk on, shake the dust, and trek. WE ONLY STOP TO REFUEL ON THE WORD AND TAKE NOURISHMENT AND SUPPLIES FROM THE MASTER. There is NO OTHER REASON to stop and engage with wildness on the trail. We are called to love, not to engage with perpetual dangers to our soul. We must learn when to walk away. 


Don't misunderstand, we are called to love everyone and strive to disciple in all situations. But when one has made their intentions clear, repeatedly, and those intentions are destroying your peace and your joy...you must gather your pack and walk.

We must become so attune to the spirit that we know when He is whispering "Shake the dust". Sometimes He does not whisper this for years, sometimes it happens at a first meeting. Nevertheless, if we are tuned in to His voice, we can know and move. There is no fear or trepidation. We simply walk forward on the trajectory He has called us towards with joy. Whew...how powerful is that?!!?

Grace N Peace,

A ~

disjointed ode to grace

I find grace hard to accept...especially when my works are so very very low.
diving between responsibilities...I am left with very little to show for my side of our relationship.
I catch up on the daily reading that I miss through the week. whisper a prayer on the ride to work, and hope it's enough...but it doesn't feel like it is. I sit with this feeling and the dryness of the moment. I realize this is it. this is when I need grace. not when I have days off and get to attend church and stand high on the mountain of faith. no. this. this period is where I falteringly need grace.
I look into the very real possibility that the next six months of my life I will not be able to attend community on Sunday. I will not have corporate worship. I whisper a heart prayer and repent in advance for the dryness I feel coming. a whisper returns. grace. little. small. yielding. grace.
bigger than my inability to attend a gathering. quieter than the roar of my thoughts. grace. it will have to be enough. it will have to be. Enough.
then it hits me. My prayers! "God help me to live with 'enough'". little did I know. enough.
grace will have to be enough this year. I will have to trust that I can be loved by him when I cannot do physical works. I will have to trust that my God is with me...even when I cannot grace what I have seen to be his physical dwelling place. because after all...am I not his physical dwelling place. and after all...is HE not enough to sustain me in the midst of responsibility? grace.
like a raging water that washes over my raging thoughts and sins that I feel ashamed of and try my very very best to not replicate day after...
isn't that the point again? trying. I'll try all day, all year long and I'll never be good enough...because it's not in the trying...it's the releasing...it's in the trusting...it's in the submission...it's in the giving up of the disjointedness of my life and my will and releasing my humanity to someone bigger than me...God...
grace.
heavenly grace.
it appears in the form of pink clouds fluffed and willowy...and I think to myself..."who am I?"
that you. you. God of majesty and grace. you are mindful of me: a constant dweller of deservement of more in the face of your supreme goodness.
me: a constant "I will accomplish more." instead of "I will pursue you." more.
Alpha.
Omega.
beginning and ending of me. Oh graceful one.
how I love thee.
how I delight when in the moment of sleepless agony. tortured mind that I sometimes become...when you whisper into my heart...brief...small...but spoken nonetheless...
how I find peace in the structure of your word.
how low I feel when stripped bare before you.
oh graceful, good one. let me approach you once more.
may I climb into your presence?
may I curl at your feet?
may I lay down the strength I must carry day after day and just be yours?
forever faithful. friend. I do not ever deserve such glorious displays of love...yet you paint my world again.
Father. forgive me. humanity consumed and burned like a flaming fire in the night. I am yours. again. broken to be molded. humbled to be helped. cracked to be created. I'm thine. grace.


Grace n peace,

A ~

Soul Soil...Boats...and Hydrangeas

I think I've been hiding from my blog because I'm well...hiding.

I don't ever like to portray anything less than bubbly and fun and "overcoming"...yet the last year has had moments of anything but these sentiments...

Yet...I'm not lost or overcome. I'm...rooted but not jubilant.

It's a new emotion and space for me.

I'm the life of the party.

I'm the one who dances and sings Happy Birthday via Marilyn Monroe...

I help stabilize others...not myself.

Yet here I find myself. Spreading deep into the soil of my soul for roots...

Admittedly, in the last 2 months I've struggled to stay on top of it all. It's been lonely, boring, busy, and tedious at best. Yet, I'm not lost or overcome. Weird.

When younger and less experienced, I had a tendency in these moments to flip out. To quit and look for other venues. To run.

Now I find that this space...this place of rooting and growth and patience...is teaching me self-discipline on a different level. Staying power.

I've realized that I cannot panic anymore about where I'm headed...this is the ultimate trust in the process of God. The ultimate trust in who He has created me to be. The ultimate trust that He truly holds my world.

But it's so dang boring. So lonely. So...just SO.

I have not had moments where I wanted to quit. I don't feel like running. I do have moments where I want more community. I have moments where I want my own home again. I want to grocery shop for my own pantry. I want more than 27.00 in my bank account. I want I want I want...hmm....maybe that's the point.

He keeps leading me beside the still waters...and I keep looking for a boat with a motor...

He keeps letting all my belongings be stolen from my storage unit....

He keeps letting me make less now than I have since high school...

He keeps letting me be dependent on others for help...

He keeps letting me fall in the soil of my soul over and over and over...

Still waters...

Pretty sure that's the point...still waters...I'll never grow and bloom fruit or hydrangeas in my soul soil if I keep running...If I quit...If I don't stick with the process....

Still waters...

Pretty sure my soul soil is planted beside the still waters...and that is why every time I find a boat with a motor and sail off...I sail away from myself...from my God...from my purpose...and from the soil where I'll really grow my life's purpose...

Still waters....they just aren't as exciting some times as the boat with the motor...but they are incredibly fulfilling in the end when you're sitting on the shore and looking at the blooms....eating fruit from your soul soil and peaceful...

I think I get it...

Grace and Peace,

A ~

I. REALLY. DON'T. CARE.

It's been a while since I've had time to strike these keys with any thoughts outside of school...

Even now I struggle to UN-crowd my brain and focus on a single thought for a blog.  Mother's Day is tomorrow and I've celebrated a day early with my Luvs. Libraries...movies...and presence are what we've experienced today.

I run so hard and furiously at this point in life that I often miss moments...I miss little details and I'm a details girl. My mantra has been "It's only a season." And it is.

My thoughts today turned again to a familiar feeling...I sent out a tweet and thought to myself..."You sent out three tweets and several instagram photos today...You are going to look so pathetic and that you had absolutely nothing to do today."I pondered this familiar thought and dissected it...and came to a conclusion:

I. Really. Don't. Care.

I was the girl who had fake nails. I went to all events. My highlights were perfect and so was my derriere. (Or so they said) When I became single again, I feared being boring (to those of you who truly know me...yes I realize...very far stretch). I worried furiously that I would appear to be "just" a single mom and NOT a beautiful, passionate woman with a future.

It never occurred to me that I could be all three. And love it.

I have many friends that are in their 20's. Somehow, I fit right in their circles and we connect on fun levels as well as deep. Yet, at the end of the day, my 35 year old soul peeks through in situations like... weekends. While they are packed with fun and friends, I typically work and squeeze as much of my babies in as I can before I crash into bed. Guess what?

I. Really. Don't. Care.

I don't feel slighted. I don't feel ashamed. Neither do they! They shouldn't. I've come to realize that our age and activities do not determine our friendships. We have vastly different lifestyles yet we all love each other and bring joy and determination to one another.

Back to the tweets today, I decided that me worrying if someone thinks I'm bored today or not exciting enough...well...that's their issue. I love my life. I'm far from bored and I'm engaged fully.  My days are flying on by and my oldest Luv is turning into a woman before my eyes...

I'm much more excited, nervous, scared, joyful, and emotional about THAT fact than I am if I come across as a single mom without an active dating/social life...

I. Really. Don't. Care.

There will be time for my lists...and believe me...I'll mark them off. (If you know me you know this too...) I'll date a myriad of men here and there I'm ever so sure...I'll run that marathon...hike that mountain...tat that foot (sorry mom)...and love my God endlessly....All things in their own time...

I'm not pressured anymore to "appear" any which way. I'm pressured to raise God adoring, Them-self loving, World-Loving, Activist Little Women. I'm pressured to leave every place I visit better than when I came. I'm pressured to make one difference each day one at a time. I'm pressured and drawn to God. That simply.

In the meantime, I'll continue tweeting away...Because if you really know me...you know I'm a SUPA connector...3D (Chrys)...Idea populated...overstimulated...personality and I don't intend to not love myself. JUST. LIKE. THIS.

It's probably why I talk to every ex-husband, ex-date, ex-anything...relationships enrich and delve us deeper into our truest Christ given nature...even the painful ones. I feel no reason to abide by societal rules that have broken down our communications because of pride. So I live. I love. I hurt. I get hurt. I appear boring. I appear over the top. It ALL depends on which day ya catch me. And guess what?

I. Really. Don't. Care.

Once I encountered myself in the true, forgiving, accepting love of the Master...repeatedly...I realized the limitations of power, acceptance, societal norms and abnorms...fall away for me...

I am blurred by tears as I type this line for it's THAT real...THAT assuring to me...this Master love where all my idols that compete fall short and crumble...It's the real deal and I no longer need to BE anything than His...redundant and trite I know...but OH. SO. TRUE.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

I apologized to God...

I apologized to God. I did not "repent".

I apologized.

I realized after I said "God I want to apologize to you..."

That I indeed apologized to God...

It's been the week from hell. I've slipped more than I've trekked. I've cursed more than I've blessed. I've retreated more than I've advanced.

An apology to my lover was in order...

I've ignored him. Not on purpose. In obligations.

So...I apologized. It was a pivotal moment in my relationship with my Lover God.

As soon as the whisper escaped my lips into the darkness, I smiled. Because within my failings and flounderings this week, I realize in this moment how reliant I am on Him and how cool our "relationship" has become...

I no longer think of Him as unreachable...untouchable...I talk to him. I breathe words in my bed late at night. I confide in him with my insecurities...my prides...my accomplishments...my terrible failings...

This is good. This is pure. This is REAL.

I NEED real.

I crave real.

So...onward i crawl through the busiest year of my life...apologizing, loving, knowing and falling with my God...realizing that THIS...THIS is the point of it all...REAL life with a Savior that I do not hide from...that I do not run from like the past when I show the butt of my humanity...no...I whisper to him in the shower...in the dark bed at night...in the bathroom stall at school...

and I apologize...and He forgives me...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Grace. I get it.

I am quite the road thinker.
Random thoughts.
Musings.
All the ponderings that tend to bubble under the surface rise on the commutes...
No business to tie them down...

"I can't get it all done." Randomly pops into my thoughts almost without me recognizing it consciously...

"No. But I can." He speaks.

I am immediately smitten with Love. Again.

For the first time I am inhabited by the realization of true Grace...
No longer am I caged to obey out of fearful pain...
I long to commune with Him because He is so beautiful...because even as I miss my dates with Him...I realize this is what He meant for me...

Grace...His perfection in love...in provision...in relationship...this is the point.
It really is true.
As I fall harder for this lover of the second chance...champion for the underdog...
I cannot stand the thought of not hearing His voice...it wrecks me...
I'm undone without it...

I'm reminded that I am minute and He is ALL.
I can't get it done. But He can.
I don't have to feel condemned about that fact. Because this...this is Grace. Real Life Grace.
His voice in the dark is what makes me want to be better...to know Him...to thrive...Not the rules or legal versions of how to make it...my affair with a perfect lover is what urges me onward towards holy days and nights...not rule keeping.

I get it. Grace.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Bits of Beautiful.

I feel as my body is slowed by physical weights to tiring to lift...
Eyes blurry I drive in the dark...
I am entering my 4th 12 hour shift in a row and my body screams "Stop!"...
I drive on...

His Word pours through my speakers and I do my best to soak it in...
While hazy, I drive over the river bridge...my favorite...
Only a few weeks ago He spoke to me on this bridge...
It was a hard day...I was in gratefulness...spoken...when He breathed "I will always provide you with beauty"...

I am reminded of this promise as I drive hard in the dark.

"I will always provide you with beauty."

Stairs are climbed and I say my hellos as I settle in to the shift...
I down caffeine and try my best to seem chipper though I feel weighted...
Then I see it...
A Bit of Beauty...

I stand looking out the solarium drinking water from Styrofoam and I see it...
Beauty...
It strikes me...His promise.
Today.
His promise.
In this life moment of wrecked tired and humbled heart...Beauty.
Sky pink and birds flying in a sequential pattern...Beauty.

"I will ALWAYS give you beauty."


I place cup down. Say grateful whispers then grab my phone...
Bits of beauty...I get it Lord...
You give me beauty...in bits sometimes...in grand landscapes in others...
You keep your promises.

I am peaceful in the bits.

Bits of beautiful is His way of reminding me..."You are mine. You are special enough for pink skies and birds. I am with you. Though you must suffer and trek on...I. Am. With. You. In every sunrise...In every flying sparrow...In every friend...In every baby girl kiss...In every revelation...I. Am. With. You."

Bits of Beautiful.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Yes...God DOES speak through "The Runaway Bunny"...

We're spring breakin' this week...5 kids and 3 parents...quite a tribe...
I've had moments this week when I looked at my 9 year old and realized...
She's fleeting...

I'm only cool behind closed doors...
I'm embarrassing with my outgoingness...
"No pictures please..."
It's enough to break a mom down...

All this reminds me of the finiteness of us all...
That we truly link eyelash to eyelash and our journey here is over...
We will awaken to worn out bodies, minds, and old children...
It's enough to break a woman down...

I'm with our youngest tonight...He's 2...
We read "The Runaway Bunny"...
As I read to him, I couldn't help but feel as if God was reading the story to me...
He was depositing love to me...

No matter how big our children become...
No matter how old our bodies grow...
No matter how many times end so new can begin...
One thing remains for eternity...His Love...and wow...Is it good...

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did...(believe me...you're not too cool to for this love story)


The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown


Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.
So he said to his mother, “I am running away.”
“If you run away,” said his mother, “I will run after you.
For you are my little bunny.”


“If you run after me,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a fish in a trout stream 
and I will swim away from you.”


“If you become a fish in a trout stream,” said his mother,
“I will become a fisherman and I will fish for you.”


“If you become a fisherman,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a rock on the mountain, high above you.”


“If you become a rock on the mountain high above me,”
said his mother, “I will become a mountain climber,
and I will climb to where you are.”


“If you become a mountain climber,”
said the little bunny,
“I will be a crocus in a hidden garden.”


“If you become a crocus in a hidden garden,”
said his mother, “I will be a gardener. And I will find you.”


“If you are a gardener and find me,”
said the little bunny, “I will be a bird
and fly away from you.”


“If you become a bird and fly away from me,”
said his mother, “I will be a tree that you come home to.”


“If you become a tree,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a little sailboat,
and I will sail away from you.”


“If you become a sailboat and sail away from me,”
said his mother, “I will become the wind
and blow you where I want you to go.”


“If you become the wind and blow me,” said the little bunny,
“I will join a circus and fly away on a flying trapeze.”


“If you go flying on a flying trapeze,” said his mother,
“I will be a tightrope walker,
and I will walk across the air to you.”


“If you become a tightrope walker and walk across the air,”
said the bunny, “I will become a little boy
and run into a house.”


“If you become a little boy and run into a house,”
said the mother bunny, “I will become your mother
and catch you in my arms and hug you.”


“Shucks,” said the bunny, “I might just as well
stay where I am and be your little bunny.”


And so he did.
“Have a carrot,” said the mother bunny.


Grace n Peace,


A ~

Talking Donkeys and Maya Angelou

One of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou goes something like this:

"When someone shows themselves to you...believe them the FIRST time."

Admittedly, it has taken me a long time to learn how to live this out. I still haven't really "gotten" this wisdom. But I find with each passing year, each journey behind me, "riding on the back of every mistake" as one poem said, I find this playing out in my life more and more.

Maya was teaching Oprah that once a person reveals their truest self to you (and it's negative, evil, bitter, etc.)...don't go back for more...learn THAT lesson the first time.

I try to apply this wisdom to lessons that God tries to teach me. One of my prayers has been "God don't make me crash and burn over the same fault over and over. Give me wisdom to see the sin, mistake, etc. and let me learn the lesson the FIRST time."

As I started reading this morning about Balaam and his donkey, I was reminded of this principle. Balaam takes off on his donkey to apparently go somewhere to do something God does not want him to do. He, like me at times, is blind to the fact that he is headed down a dangerous pathway.  God sends an angel to stand in the middle of his pathway, but only the donkey (or other preferable names) can see the angel. When the donkey tries to turn around, Balaam beats the poor animal. They continue on. Down the wrong path. Angel appears to the donkey again...blocking his path...Balaam is still blind to his own stupidity of this wrong pathway...He beats the donkey mercilessly. Third time, the donkey sees the angel and cannot get past him, so he squeezes against the wall and crushes Balaam's foot. Balaam is enraged and begins to beat the animal again...but this time the Lord opens the donkey's mouth. Mr. Donkey cries out "Why are you beating me? Haven't I always been good to you? Do I not look out for you?" (my words)

As Balaam begins to argue with the donkey, God opens his eyes and he finally sees the angel.

God's angel says "Why have you beaten your donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me. The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times. If it had not turned away, I would certainly have killed you by now, but I would have spared it."(Numbers 22:32-33)

Balaam realizes the donkey has been trying to protect him from his wrong path and choices...He repents and is turned right on his wrong road.

I find it so interesting that God used something beloved (donkey) of Balaams...something he trusted...to try to stop his wrong decision...thrice...

God often tries to show me something or someone through a trusted friend, a mentor, His word...yet I continue on my little journey of selfish endeavors until He shows me the third (and painful) time.

I believe God was telling us through Balaam's story...learn your lessons the FIRST time. I believe He says to us, "When I show you something or someone is not my plan for you...believe me the first time. Stop. Repent. Turn around. There is no need for you to be injured before you learn this lesson."

God wants us to "get" the lesson before He has to injure us to get our attention.

I'm grateful for many things in this story...grateful he keeps pursuing us even when he has to break us to get our attention...I'm wrecked over the goodness that He is limitless in his pursuit of us in our sin...I'm grateful He shows us that we can choose His path the first time and learn this discipline to save ourselves and others the heartache of repeat mistakes and wrong paths...

God of the talking donkey...pretty cool. 

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Between the living and the dead...

I've been riveted by one verse...

Numbers 16:48 "He stood between the living and the dead, and the plague stopped."

Moses was dealing with the sons of Korah who had risen up against he and Aaron with 250 other men...
God was fed up with their shenanigans...
In His anger, the Lord says he will "put an end to them at once"...
The earth splits apart and all 250 evil men fall into this cavern...

Shortly after...the Israelites begin to complain that Moses and Aaron have "killed the Lord's people".
God is angered...He tells Moses and Aaron to get out of the way so He can deal with these ungrateful people...Moses and Aaron...
They fall on their face...

Moses instructs Aaron to run to the altar and take coals...to provide incense to cover the people...Aaron goes throughout the people with incense trying to save their lives...many died...but many were saved...simply because Moses and Aaron had courage before the Lord...

They STOOD between the living and the dead. Created a barrier.

I find this subject immensely interesting...this courage with God. I think we walk around so scared to ask for Justice (even for those who don't deserve it) that we forget God can be prevailed upon...

He listens...
To those whose fall on their face...
Aaron and Moses were not running around shouting...making a big stink...
They fell on that their faces...an act of humble submission and courage...
They saved many...simply by not allowing God to forget their people...through requests and conversations with God...on their faces...

Beautiful....

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Moses showed us How to StopKONY...

StopKony. Stop. At. Nothing.

I have to tell you I have been so amazed at the beauty of humanity while watching this campaign go viral over the last week. Never did I think people would take this on and really become a community committed to seeing Joseph Kony captured and innocent children set free from their oppressor.

I've followed and supported Invisible Children for a couple of years. When I received the video this week via email, I was broken. Wrecked. Appalled at the thought of the mothers whose children have been made into murderers...rapists...prostitutes...
I cannot imagine...

As Jacob's sobs filled my room from the video my heart wrenched inside my chest...the least of these...so cliche...the least of these....I committed in that moment to doing all I could to get the word out about StopKony. It definitely feels like I've done nothing. I think that's where we fail. We think our "something" is "nothing" so we quit before we start.

I have always lived...well...not afraid...OK let me rephrase that...I have fears...yet I possess the ability from God to push through and do what needs to be done in the face of them. My stumbling block is follow through...pure old ADD take it all on follow through. I'm AWFUL at it.

I'm great at heart...I'm ALL HEART...I bleed for every story I hear...will give every dollar I have...and would pick up and move to Uganda TOMORROW...Heart...

But I find my failure is to stick with commitments long term...not relationships (my friends are stuck like glue to my heart)...not motherhood (My kids get my best)...not work or school...but I tend to plunge off into heart projects and try to save the world...forgetting that I'm pretty well busy saving my two little loves with God and trying to keep us all fed and clothed...thus...I quit before I really get started because I cannot do the "thing" 279% instead of what I have to give...

I've been reading through Numbers this week in my daily readings and I've become so very very impressed with the life of Moses. You've got this dude that can't speak...He lives his whole life thinking he is of royal lineage and finds out he is a peasant like the rest of us...He is a murderer...A coward...He is well...US...

Yet, with all this...with all these failings, obstacles, and pictures to bring one's self esteem to it's knees...I see a man that repeatedly converses with God in a very vulnerable, powerful, transparent way...a way I definitely strive for and long for in my lifetime...

I see a man that brings judgement on 250 men that would not heed His God...I see a man that repeatedly throws himself toward God for the needs of his people...I see a man that no matter what his weaknesses are...is incredibly used and loved by God...over and over and over...

Then it clicks for me...I'm a Moses. We ALL are Moses'.


I'm a screwed up, stuttering, failing, all out loving God, heart wrecked for His people...MOSES.


And God loves that. He uses that.


God doesn't expect my 279%. He does expect my all. He does expect my heart. He does expect my conversations. But better than expect...He adores my vulnerable, stuttering words to Him...He adores me....and when He adores me...I have his ear. I have his attention. I know his heart. I'm able to follow his heart issues even if I don't follow as well as someone else...I'm following. Even if I can't traipse off to Uganda tomorrow to rescue children because I'm raising beautiful children here...He's using that. It's a beautiful thing. I DON'T have to be perfect. Granted...I'm definitely working to be less flighty in what I commit to...but He's using my flightiness to reach out to others...so...I'll work on it...and let Him use it all at the same time...It's a beautiful thing...

StopKONY represents a beautiful picture of community rising up to do what they can for justice. This is Biblical and of God. College Students, Mothers, President, Millionaires, Children...we've all chosen to...do what we can...I really think that's where God moves...not only for us...but in us...He shows us that when we give what we have...it really is enough...just like Moses...He takes our reprobate failing hearts and uses them to save others from tragedy...it's a beautiful thing...Shalom...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Shalom...

Shalom...


I had the most beautiful moment of Shalom this week...I didn't know how to term it while I experienced it...


But then the next day...I read and studied Shalom...and I had an Aha...THAT was Shalom...

"The use of Shalom in the Scriptures always points towards the transcendent action of wholeness. Derived from the Hebrew root shalam - meaning to be safe or complete. Literally, translated, shalam signals to state of safety, but figuratively it points to completeness."

Hands lifted high...voice clear...I felt my spirit rise in joy and worship with my Father...
In a place I never anticipated going again...
I thought once there I would feel "less"...burdened...judged...
Yet here I stood...heart full...no one pressing me but Him...
I was so overcome with the beauty of the moment...the pure freedom that was inexplicable...it was...
Shalom...

My mother sat behind me a bit in this moment...I felt her presence...her joy with and for me...
I knew she was in full support of me...I was complete in this moment...It was tangible joy...
"Completeness"...
Shalom...

There were no worries...no "less than"...whether there were judgements I was not aware...
I was so enveloped in the life that He and I share...
I knew His love was complete in me...
That I no longer had to hang my head in self-created shame...
Shalom...

Later that evening, Laine brought this book and began to read it to me...It was beautiful...
Centered around the love of a parent to child...
"Wherever You Are, my love will find you" by Nancy Tillman encapsulated my God Shalom moment...
When I saw the picture below, It could not have symbolized how I feel with Him any better...

Shalom for me is completeness that leads to unbridled joy...
Relaxed knowing of my worth and value...
Love unattainable in this capacity anywhere else...
Happiness to the moon...
Shalom...


Grace n Peace,


A ~

Rowdy Crowd of Emergent Disciples

"Who knows of the possibilities of love when men and women share not only children, house and garden, but the fulfillment of their biological roles, but the responsibilities and passions of the work that creates the human future. It has barely begun the search of women for themselves."

Betty Freidan

I've always been a bit of a radical...OK a LOT of a radical...
I've often gone against the grain for what I believed to be true and right...even if the crowd didn't...
It's not often fun and definitely not popular...
It also hasn't fit in with the "religious" ideologies set out for women...

Speaking your mind and using your voice can be frowned upon those of us with ovaries...
We've had to learn to walk silent and speak when given the opportunity...
Yet..there is a shift...a new emergence of men and women that are joining together...
Equality within the body of believers...working alongside to rid injustice, racism, and oppression...

Seems this generation and the one coming up are more concerned with justice than gender...
With spreading life rather than ideologies...
Working alongside rather than separating into rooms to devise what to do with each "group"...
It's time. It's refreshing. It's His way.

I'm convinced our Savior doesn't care who does or how His lost lambs get pulled from the thicket...
He just wants them untangled.
I think he's looking down on this new emergent group of disciples and thinks to himself...
"THAT. Is my church. In whom I am well pleased."

But it's only the beginning. With organizations such as A21, Living Hope Water, and Compassion International, there is much opportunity to get involved and use our voices.
I just choose to believe that the more we work alongside...the louder of collaborative voice becomes...and not only do we shake Heaven's gates with our requests for justice...we also shake the earth with a new gang of rowdy disciples that show compassion, humanity, devotion, fierce commitment, and an all out war on the injustice of our poor, our broken, our lost, our abandoned. our fatherless, our used, our abusers, our abused, our incarcerated, our enslaved...

We will win as one voice. We will untangle. We will. Together. 

Isaiah 1:17-18

17 Learn to do right; seek justice. 

   Defend the oppressed.[a] 

Take up the cause of the fatherless; 

   plead the case of the widow.

 18 “Come now, let us settle the matter,” 

   says the LORD. 

“Though your sins are like scarlet, 

   they shall be as white as snow; 

though they are red as crimson, 

   they shall be like wool.

Grace n Peace,


A ~

Best Date I've ever had...

"Patience attains all that it strives for. He who has God finds he lacks nothing: God alone suffices." 

Saint Teresa of Avila

Two days in a row. I set my alarm for 330 am to get up. I didn't. I was tired. I wanted to sleep in before getting to clinicals at 6:00 am. So I hit snooze...repeatedly...slept through my date with my beloved. I ate through my Lent days at the hospital the last two days...rather than staying on course with my commitments to knowing Him better...

Yes. I feel a bit guilty. But more than guilty. I miss my friend, my beloved. Calling Him my Best Friend doesn't seem good enough. Our affair is so much more...

I can take my most romantic days...most romantic experiences...and they don't compare...not one second with my moments with Him...

I've really really missed His voice to start my days. I'm not the same girl when I start without Him. I'm less focused...I feel crammed and rushed...

When I hear His voice...read His promises...His love letters...my soul is solidified...it starts me right...gives my thoughts and intents for the day alignment with His...replaces my thoughts and intents with His...whatever comes my way...I'm ready.

Tomorrow. The alarm goes off again for my date with my Beloved. I plan to meet up with Him. Sit in His presence and re-align. I'm my "best self" when I'm showered in His light...love answers rather than flesh...peace floods rather than humanity...peace abounds rather than stress...

He loves me more than I can ever love Him...thinks more of me than anyone ever could...understands my heart and dreams more than I do...has given up everything to be with me...

When I think about those qualities...I'd say that's the best date you can go on... ;-)

Grace n Peace,

A

Peace Pockets...NOT pizza pockets

"As you progress in your healing, you will find the pockets of peace become longer and longer." She said to me...sunlight streaming through windows...tears down cheeks as I sat in my therapist' office wrapped snug in a blanket on the proverbial couch...

"Your body is addicted to the chaos that it has become accustomed to within this relationship. You don't know how to be content and stable. You look for drama because it's all you've known in this marriage. You've got to learn a new normal."

That was 6 years ago and many sessions...prayers...triumphs...failures...and lessons later. I now truly understand the principle she was preparing me for... 

"Pockets of Peace" cannot be taught...you must live them...you wake up one day and you are in them...

I had that moment this afternoon. I was laying down for a short nap after school...I heard my children playing outside beneath my window...the room was still...my spirit and soul were still...then it struck me like lightining in a spring storm...my life is a pocket of peace....

Not one small pocket of peace linked to another...but a continuous journey with Christ in peace...


I. Get. It. Now.

Funny thing is...I'm not in what people would term ideal conditions...

Divorced. Single Mom. Student at 35. Living with parents. Completely fluid future with no cemented plans...yet...I'm the most content and peaceful I've ever been. 

Here's how I view it:

Redeemed. Beloved. Enveloped. Forgiven. Chosen. Beautiful. Marked. Expectant. Evolving. Loved.

God doesn't take the standards of society to create peace pockets. He creates them anywhere. Anyhow. With ANYONE. 

There is no formula. 

There is no special type of person.

Common Denominator: Christ. In Him crucified. 

Me trying to fix it all. Gone.

Me trying to figure it out. Gone. 

Me trying to BE God. Gone.

My idols of peace replacers. Gone.

Me living in unbridled peace and contentment no matter where I am...who I'm with...or what I have? Here to stay.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

What? If?

I absolutely love this...

If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desire not too strong, but too weak.

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us,

We are like ignorant children who want to continue making mud pies in a slum because we cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of  a vacation at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

C.S. Lewis

What could we do in Christ if we simply believed? 

What if we got out of our heads and into His heart?

What if our dreams were bigger than our fears?

What if we took his Word and LIVED it...through FAITH? Knowing we were unstoppable?

What if we said "yes" more and "no" less?

What if we stopped finding reasons to stay and started finding reasons to go?

What if "comfortable" was no longer acceptable?

What if "you" was more important than "me"?

What if "your children" concerned me as much as "my children"?

What if we allowed our worlds to collide and found solutions?

What if we lived light? 

I think all these things are more than possible...

One tiny step...

One thought...

One action at a time...

Together...

Grace n Peace...

A ~