Welcome to My Royally Wrecked Space to Chill...



I hope you find comradery...I hope you find peace....I hope you find joy...I hope you find acceptance...I hope you feel loved...I hope you know that your are precious...chosen...and always welcome here...come sit a spell...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Broken Open

I read a book once by Elizabeth Lesser titled "Broken Open". I read it a second and third time.

Each page leapt into my heart and challenged my spirit...some pages were like reading my own story in print.

Elizabeth broke me down and broke me open. "Broken Open" challenged the reader to grow more open through pain and hardship rather than close up and die...or worse in my opinion...become bitter and emotionally dead.

Many times throughout my life, I've encountered opportunities to grow. Each encounter with growth has come with the same accompanying tune: Pain. Because depth deposited requires dark pain filled nights in the seat of one's soul. 

While reading the book I was questioning a situation that was surrounding me during that period. I heard what I felt like my inner guiding voice of God was saying to me but I could not heed. I wanted the thing I was chasing. I felt it would quench the soul desire. So I dove off...soul open...then I failed. Miserably.
I look back now on that decision with regret...yet it was through that period that I chose to break open...fully...
I really crawled into my own skin and took dwelling of myself during that period of change and heartache. It took THAT to break off the chains of insecurity, fear, and approval addiction. But it was humiliating and it was painful.

I look back over my short years ;-) and I see a common theme...breaking open. I made this conscious decision about 6 years ago. I decided within that I would live life full throttle and completely open. I'm still learning how...but I'm much farther along the path than when I began.

This devotion to the full throttle life has required sustained openness when I wanted to close my heart...It's required courage when I've wanted to run...It's required honesty when fiction would have been easier...It's required saying "this doesn't work for me" and acting upon that...It's been painful.

Living broken open has afforded me sunlit days with friends and family...completely present. It has afforded me full possession of myself and the ability to know my worth. It has blessed me in ways that I thought I'd never see...love...joy unspeakable...unfettered truth...

It has been misunderstood. I have been misunderstood. I continue to be misunderstood. This butterfly girl that I am is completely misunderstood by some.

When you choose to live wide open and lean into the Creator and His world full force...people don't know how to react to you. It freaks them out. 

Because within relationships, aren't we supposed to keep our guard up? Aren't we supposed to protect our hearts until we KNOW that they will not fail us? Shouldn't we surrender love to the loveless only when we know they cannot disrupt our inner lives? Shouldn't we weigh every option of our lives before diving off into the unknown decision of a move, a career change, a relationship?

I chose to live in the realm of "no" to those questions. I made and continue to make the decision to dive off into the abyss of life and reap the consequences. It has paid high dividends and set my soul free. It has also provided me with losses. Yet, I find the dividends always outweigh the losses. I find the equation totally worth it.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in boundaries. I live a life of boundaries. When I feel my spirit say "enough"...I act accordingly. When I know a situation is damaging...I walk away. Being broken open does not mean not being and living cleverly...it means being wildly, beautifully, fully open to the possibilities...

Possibilitarian...I love that...I am that...I dwell in possibilities...
It bites me in the butt. It also gives me delight and makes me joyous. I will not live any other way.

Breaking open will be required of us all throughout our lives. When faced with a scary new situation, a lingering old one that requires closure and compassion, or a future possibility...the only way to truly enter into each scenario...and win...is to break open. Not break down. Not shut down. Not close off. Not hide. Not run. Not become angry, mean or bitter.

Break open. Lean into the situation presented and break open.

When you do...you feel as if your soul will crush sometimes...other times you feel so happy your soul might fly away in bliss...both pay huge dividends to the script of your life, character, and heart. If we want to be compassionate, full, loving, led individuals...breaking open is the only way. (or at least I think it is ;-) )

Grace and Peace Friends,

A ~

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Choosing Jesus to rescue me...GLORIOUS!!

I have had the most delicious of mornings...surrounded by all the components of a perfect setting for me.

Little girls...coffee...books...The Word...and a space heater.

I've found my spirit soaring this morn. The Word continues to come alive to me and clearer with each year I delve further into it.

I am constantly amazed at this God...this God that waits patiently while we figure it all out...which apparently takes quite a while...He just...waits...He waits to become the primary not the secondary...and admittedly I'm still learning how to make this happen...

I have a friend that has read "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller several times and credits it to his love for Christ (for lack of a better explanation on my part). He spurned me to begin reading it after having it on my list for years. It is quite beautiful and breathtaking.

I came across this passage this morning and felt at home...as if I was seated in an overstuffed chair with a giant mug of coffee in the most beautiful place in the world...my soul clenched onto this passage and soared...

"When I understood that the decision to follow Jesus was very much like the decision the hostages had to make to follow their rescuer, I knew then that I needed to decide whether or not I would follow Him. The decision was simple once I asked myself, Is Jesus the Son of God, are we being held captive in a world run by Satan, a world filled with brokenness, and do I believe Jesus can rescue me from this condition?"


Wow...I've been pondering this idea of my following Christ as of late...I've come to a conclusion:
Following Christ and "making a decision" for Him is a journey...is a "over and over" decision.

Like yesterday: It was a really crappy day. I failed. I ruminated. I worried. I stressed. I did not trust and I did not follow. In summary, I was self-absorbed and not Christ following.

But here's the exquisite loveliness of this dance...I get to re-align today. I get to choose that Jesus is MY Son of God and I believe Jesus can rescue ME from MY condition.


At the mere thought and expression of this statement and choosing...I am free. Breathing is steady. Mind is uncluttered. Heart is open. Spirit is expectant.

I believe. I choose. I dwell.

Glorious God. I love thee.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Happy Birthday LaLee Girl...



She burst onto the scene seven years ago...she's been traveling fast ever since.


She is fancy clothes for school with heels...


She is all face smile and squint eyes...






She is for every underdog...every bug...every tree...


She is soul more than body...always searching for more than tangible...


She is a sequined jewel of a love...


She is all giver no taker...


She is full on heart and no cynicism...






She is laughter and light...


She is joy that bursts your soul...


She is heart on sleeve...


She is a tree huggin' veggie head that returns to meat...


She sees good everywhere she glances...


She is runs at life never strolls...


She is a reader...a leader...


She reminds me of God...His beauty...She is mine...






Our Lala turns seven in a few days...I thought of her today as I drove home...she is breath to my soul...light to our home...joy unspeakable to the world and all that meet her...she's inexplicably individualistic...She's my girl.


Happy Birthday my Love...You are one of two of my Greatest Gifts...I love you to tha moon...






Grace n Peace,


A ~

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Rehearsals of my mind...

I'm eating my first meal of the day. It's 4:30 pm. 


Driving with one hand. Holding my chicken sandwich from Burger King (made from maws and paws) in the other. 


I have lettuce and mayonnaise on my scrubs. 


I feel tired. 


I feel unqualified to tackle all of this. 


Gungor plays..."you make beautiful things...you make beautiful things out of the dust..."


Yes. Yes He does. 


I REFUSE to not Trust Him in THIS moment and every other until I meet Him. It's sin to not trust Him. It's saying He is not enough. He is.


So I begin to rehearse him..


What do I KNOW? Truly KNOW?


I am fearfully and wonderfully made...thus I can tackle all of THIS...


He knows my path...


He saved a 17 year old chic and has been continuously doing so ever since...


I know He loves me...deeply...fully...passionately...


I know nights (literal nights) alone in a house terrified that I thought I would surely crack...He held me...


I see the sunsets...He provides beauty...


I speak to him...He answers...


I cry out...He runs...


These are just some of the rehearsals of my mind on this day where I begin to unravel...and I say to my heart and His..."In you I find my strength...In you I live...move...have my very being...You. Are. God."


His word never returns void...it is full...forceful...gentle...powerful...a whisper...


It is enough. He is enough for THIS day... and the next...I REFUSE to not Trust Him with it all...


Grace n Peace,


A ~

Monday, January 2, 2012

Forget about it...

Disclaimer: This is not original. It is completely stolen from Dino Rizzi but was so Epic I had to share.

Philippians 3:12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I talked with a lot of humanity in the last year. Divorce. Death. Infidelity. Physical pain. Insecurity. Powerlessness. Addiction. The woes and struggles were astounding.

I faced struggles of my own. Shame of my own. Gospeled my heart in areas of weakness that I did not know existed.

As I listened to your stories this year and tried my best to absorb myself into your pain and understand...I was always reminded of this one fact: We are all broken. We are all finding our way. We are all screwed up. 

I found comfort in the fact that you all needed to share and then needed to listen. I grew in my desire to do one thing with this life: Live Gospeled and Compelled to all things related to the cross. 


I sat yesterday in service with my dearest friends (we consider each other family), and Pastor Dino began to describe the "one thing" that we can and need to do in 2012. ONE! How comforting for this over scheduled girl...Forget.

Forget. 


Forget what is behind.

I must confess that this particular area has been a working of my faith in 2011. I was able to move forward in new directions and life changes without regret, bitterness or lasting sadness. BUT, I was confronted with a new challenge: Shame.

Shame would challenge my security and heart at the most inopportune times. Black and chocking it would manipulate my reactions and my thoughts towards myself. Shame unjustly thrown into the arena of my life yes...but shame nonetheless.

Never having been concerned with stigma this was a new emotion for me...I've never felt represented at the party before arriving...yet now I was. Stigma defined me...or so I thought. Though innocent, I was prisoned behind bars of societal stigma...it was stifling.

Three months ago I began a trek towards healing in this area of my heart and mind that had gone untouched...It was shattering. In a good way. I sat before my pastor and wept...admitted that I walked inwardly into new situations head down...apologizing for my story...in that moment as the tears flowed...I felt free. I felt relief. Once confronted, the shame seemed less real...less needed...

I continued to surrender the shame as I saw it appear...I continued to meet new people and situations with His grace for me and the understanding that I am one thing: His.

Fast forward to yesterday...Pastor Dino says "all we have to do is the one thing"...just one thing...forget. It seems like I'm sitting in a room alone with a spotlight on my heart...being drenched in truth...I accept it. I allow it to drench my spirit like an oil...washing away the stench of my self assumed shame...and walking away clean...

Forget. Let go. 

I did. I will. He requires it for my mission.

Can you? We've loved and shared in struggles and pain this year. Can we also share in redemption and the act of forgetting? 

I pray we move together towards the grace of the cross as pure humanity...stories intact...known as His and not our past...join me...

Grace n Peace,

A ~