We lit the candle at breakfast today...to remind us of our Vision...to be light of the world...

Breakfast burritos and fruity pebbles...not the stuff of the high tea that I imagine "ladies" dine on at breakfast...

I've been up before them...wrestling in His presence...reading aloud to Him...splaying my heart open and asking for this day's guidance...

There is a thought...a theme the last couple of weeks I cannot shake...stirring with me...

I want to be...a lady...

I want to raise...ladies...

I'm reading "Girls with Swords" by Lisa Bevere. She is definitely what I would call a lady. But she fights. For all the right things...she's passionate...willing to say what needs to be said...in a ladylike way. I like it.

I'm also reading "The Power of Your Words" by Robert Morris. Digesting...that every word...every tiny or large utterance is counted...there are no idle words...

I am stirred within my spirit to renegotiate my words...my actions...my thoughts...
I am stirred to be different...in a world where women are indistinguishable in their behavior from men...
I am stirred to be deeply feminine in my gestures...verbiage...dress...

I admit...I've had to repent for some actions...ask for a new deposit of gentleness and gracefulness...

My path requires strength...a lot of strength...in many ways I've been placed in the arena of men by necessity...

Breadwinner...spiritual leader...Father and Mother...

I find that it propels me to be reactionary...ready for movement at all times...and unduanting...

In this process...I can become too strong...too direct...too much...

I then have to go back to the throne...as I did today...and ask Him to be my Father...my Breadwinner...my Spiritual Leader...

You see I'm not ashamed of my strength...it's the path God has called me to...but I will be ashamed if it I walk it with the wrong shoes and arrive with blisters rather than vigor...

So I constantly stay in the word and splay myself before him so He might illuminate my worldliness...my careless words...the days where I speak before I think...

I want to be of quiet strength...I want to be a lady...

I believe in the power of the lady...

I am raising ladies...and as with any other out of the norm occurrence these days...you must work on being ladylike...for our society is not producing such character any longer...all you must do is look around and see the value placed on pornography...physical beauty...and the ability to keep up with the boys to see our society has changed...

I'm not interested in changing. I'm not interested in raising women who fit in.

I want to be a lady. I want to raise ladies.

So...after my prayers...we again negotiated between our triplicate who God says we are...what is "ladylike" to our Creator...we prayed...we gathered up our school bags and headed out to shine our lights...

We will do it all again tomorrow...and the next...but for today, we took time to step back into our rightful place in the kingdom...

As Ladies...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Multiple Personality Mandy

I'm an extrovert. I'm an introvert. I have multiple personality disorder.

I am energized by people. I'm also energized alone. I have multiple personality disorder.

These days, I'm...by necessity...spending a lot of time alone. It's difficult.

I miss my tribe at Mosaic Church in Little Rock.

I miss my God friends.

I miss my mentors.

I miss fun.

I sat down this morning during my devotionals and talked with God about it...He didn't talk back audibly...but He impressed fortitude into my soul...

This is a season. The doors He has opened for this period in my life have led me to this exact place. He has a plan.

I'm reading "Girls with Swords" by Lisa Bevere right now and came across this line today..."If we are to follow their example (heroes of the faith), we must become farsighted."

We must look past the current season and recognize our future...smile...wave at it...then get back to the business of today.

I've lived long enough to know that every season is preparatory...essential for the next...and God ordained. I've also learned to be content in the current season. It's really really not easy to do when it's more work than fun.

But I do trust Him. I believe I will not always work all weekend and miss my community of God Lovers...I believe I will not always be slaving away at school...I believe better days are ahead for my extrovert side. It will happen. Know why?

He created me. Exactly as I am. Multiple personality disorder and all.

Right now...He's feeding my introvert. He's feeding my soul. He is building my reserves for the future I just waved and winked at in the distance. He knows what I need.

Who knows...in the next season I might be so filled with fun and people my inner introvert will be crying out for space...and then you'll have to hear about that!

What season are you in? What are you longing for that is absent?

Trust Him today. Seasons are not forever...but they do prepare the soil for the next chapter.

Keep diggin'...Keep wavin'...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Trust Issues

I have trust issues.

But in only one particular area of my life.

I think.

I can trust God with almost everything...except this one area.

He illuminated this lack of trust and the sin in it a few weeks ago and I've been praying and visualizing "opening the lid" to this box I've shut him out of...

And...In southern slang, It ain't easy yawl!

Imagine my surprise when I finally crack the lid to this box of un-trust...become open...and He opens a door!

Only for it to slam in my face...

I'm not going to lie...I was a bit stunned. And angry.

I told God He needed to get his act together. He pretty much told me He's had it together since the dawn of time and I need to sit down and let Him work. Ugh.

During my word time today, I continue reading about my guy David. Sweet, God loving David. Adulterer, murderer, look the other way so I can have what I want David.

I was reading the passage after He had slept with Bathsheba (with a name like that who WOULDN'T want her?!!) and murdered her husband, and she is pregnant. God tells David because of his sin, his son with Bathsheba will die.

The baby becomes ill...what does David do?

"David pleaded with God for the boy. He fasted, went home, and spent the night lying on the ground. 17 The elders of his house stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he was unwilling and would not eat anything with them." (II Samuel 12:16-17)

David begs...pleads...refuses to get up...petitioning God for his miracle...

The baby dies.

Here's where it gets weird. You'd expect David to wail...gnash his teeth...get depressed. Nope.

"When David saw that his servants were whispering to each other, he guessed that the baby was dead. So he asked his servants, “Is the baby dead?”

He is dead,” they replied.

"20 Then David got up from the ground. He washed, anointed himself, changed his clothes, went to the Lord’s house, and worshiped. Then he went home and requested something to eat. So they served him food, and he ate." (II Samuel 12: 20-21)

This guy WORSHIPS!! THEN EATS!! 

How backwards would I have done things? I've been sitting on my couch gazing out the window pondering this scenario...asking God the meaning...and it all boils down to one thing:

TRUST. DAVID TRUSTED GOD.

David knew he had brought all this destruction on himself, yet he believed God heard his cries and his petitions to save his son. God chose not to. For whatever reason. Maybe to teach David a lesson about His judgement. Or maybe His sovereignty. Whatever the case...

David trusted God.

The whole scenario amazes me. This man loses his son, then goes to the temple and worships God. That kind of action requires MAD trust.

David didn't ask questions or go to bed...He worshiped the God he loved and got on with life. Believing (I think) there was more around the bend and He needed to be upright and praising God to experience it...

What a lesson.

Trust. 

When it hurts.

Trust.

When the door you thought He opened slams ON your face.

Trust.

When you screw up.

Trust.

When you want to crawl into bed and never get out.

Trust.

When the window to your world is clear.

Trust.

When the window is foggy.

Trust HIM. Praise HIM. Believe HIM for the best...

Oh yeah...because after David lost his son...the next son conceived during Bathsheba's grief...was Solomon...and well...we all know how blessed he turned out ;-).

Grace n Peace,

A ~

David Delights Me...

I'm currently in the book of II Samuel for my daily readings...I've been following the angst of David and Saul...or rather Saul FOR David...

I don't think there are any amazing things about David I could highlight that haven't already been written in 10,123 books...

For me...there is an overwhelming theme of the life of David...

He loved God enough to get past himself to seek Him out in EVERYTHING...

When it came to his pursuit of God, David allowed NOTHING even his own failures and pride to interrupt their connection.

It's quite beautiful really...this man...full of man-ness...humanity...who seeks God IN SPITE of himself...

Throughout my reading, I find David asking God daily about the daily mundane issues of his life..."God should I go here? Should I tackle this God? Who am I Lord? Thank you God..."

He was aware that he had nothing to offer but brazen in his passionate pursuit of the God that had called him. I think this is why people so connect with His story. He wasn't prideful or egotistical...just human. He fell so many times in so many predictable ways...yet he never thought twice about quitting God...even when it looked like God should leave him...

I find David inspiring and comforting...especially on those days where I am more human than spirit...He encourages my soul to pursue God even when I don't deserve to...

David lifts my heart to be a fool for God when others don't get me...(AKA Dancing in your underwear to praise God in front of your constituents)

He reminds me that God looks at the heart...and like God knew David was all in for Him...He knows I am also and this is where grace falls in the cracks of my shook up existence and cements my dwelling place in Him...

What comfort...what delight...it gives me the courage I need to pursue Him on the dimmest lit days and dance before Him on the brightest...

He is mine and I am His...

Grace N Peace,

A ~

Really? Really.

Yesterday...

Oh yesterday...all my troubles seemed so far away....just kidding...it was actually the opposite.

I found myself clenched in the gut and hard pressed. Yesterday...I had a lot riding on my morning...

I whispered prayers in the dark early hours...summoned the reservoirs of strength...fought through...but sometimes...you get tired of fighting...

I eased into the afternoon with cloudiness and weariness...trudging through the things I needed to accomplish with little centering or joy...marking off the "to dos"...

I don't do well without centering.

I was to meet friends for dinner...issues arise 2 hours before...I handle them...run out the door...

Weary...bleary eyed...running through my reserves like kerosene, wishing for respite, I drag myself into a dark place and sit at midnight. I say aloud..."This is NOT what you promised. Why can't you just make it easy for once. I need more."

He states audible to the chambers of my soul "I am all you need. YOU are all I say you are."

Really? That erases the last 48 hours - 4 weeks of humanity in the trenches of life digging to stay afloat and live in joy feeling like a failure half the time and a zombie the other half? Really Father?

Really.

I've been stuck on a remake by Josh Garrels "Farther Along" for weeks...it speaks to my tired soul...the words seep in...

Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul
And I've got no place left go
Cause I got changed by what I've been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin' on

I again realize...seasons of life expand us...grow us...shape character...
Will I sit with my children and listen to their hearts and stories...or will I be busy in this moment when all I want to do is tune out?
Will I stay in the word when all I want to do is watch Downton Abbey and talk to no one?
Will I walk in joy and light even when I don't feel it?
Will I profess I am all HE says I am when I feel like it's all toppling?

Yes. Oh yes. A thousand times yes.

Because. He is all I need...and these wilderness wanderings of the soul are footsteps into that very hard to realize place...He is all I need...It is only in the longing...the alone-ness...the lack of refuge in the world...the drain of the temporary but necessary...that I find it out...all over again...He is all I need.

So I crawl into bed knowing when I awake the world will be new and so will be His mercies.

I awake to the sound of little voices and I go in search of them...crawl between my two beauties and breathe them in...celebrating the sacred holiness that is family...

Later when everyone is gone...I fall into the word and what He says I am...and my soul fills up...my hand holds his...fingers intertwined I grasp tight and breathe relief that all is new...We can do this. My sandals will not wear out...my body will not fail me...my thirst will be quenched and belly full on this trek across wilderness land...because He is all I need.

So...I'm...

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I'm free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I'll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levee and my bluff
Let the flood wash me

May you find respite today.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Thinking small...

I abhor complicated situations. I avoid relationships, friendships, acquaintances that require detailed road maps to maintain. I have a pixie cut simply because I HATE spending an hour on my hair when there is so much sunshine in the world. I am confrontational if the situation warrants it and is a biggie...but if you just wore some pants that are obviously the incorrect size...don't look to me to correct your faux pas. I mean, come on folks, my personality test was 66% "feelings"...I love everyone!

I revel in the small stuff and admittedly probably sometimes judge those who don't get that...(thank God for grace). So imagine my surprise when my heart got pounded this weekend by a "small" thought.

Here's how it went down:

I took my car to have maintenance work completed, washed, and rotated tires. It THRILLED my little heart.
I texted my dad and said "My car drives like it's brand new!"
He replied "I'm so glad baby!"
To which I replied "It's the little things."
He replied "The little things become big things when you don't have them."

And there it is.

That one simple line has completely wrecked my heart for a week.

I...who revel in grass, trees, and Goodwill finds...wrecked by small.

I think of people around the world who don't have clean water...children dying from diarrhea when I have an abundance of Imodium in my medical cart...children in my state that only eat at school when my kids are wolfing down Petit Jean bacon. Small things to me. Monumental to them.

I think of my friends that love me exactly as I am...nourishing...constant...sustaining. What about the sweet residents I care for that have no visitors? No one to listen. No one to sit and converse with about the daily happenings. Small to me. Quite large to them.

I think of my amazing brother. My brother and my friend. Sober for 14 months after 16 years. My friend. My confidant that has come back from the brink and found God and us...You can't know what our relationship means to me after I had lost for so long. Then there are the other addicts...struggling still...dying inside...wanting more but not able to grasp it. Easy to me. Quite overwhelming to them.

I think of a dear woman that desperately wants a child. Yearns for a baby to coo to and wrap in her arms. Heart heavy and longing...and I a few miles away look at my beautiful loves and rush them out the door to school whispering quick prayers "to shine the light" and go on to the next detail. Routine to me. Heaven to her.

I have been praying that God would help me stay aware of my "small" mercies...blessings...wonders. May I never take them for granted, though I know I do. I'm also praying for new eyes to see others "small things". I'm taking time to touch every patient, kneel down look in their eyes and hear their stories. Hug them. Love them. Remember that they are His. I'm taking time to stop and stay still when I have a chance so He might speak into my soul and whisper the small...and I might receive it with full gratitude. Because He does not have to speak...He does not have to bless...He does not have to love me...Yet he does...In the biggest small ways. I want to honor that in every way.

Small potatoes. Big ripples.

May you think small today...

Grace n Peace,

A ~