Losing myself.

"You cannot lose what you do not own."


I awake. Startled. It is 4 am and this statement has jolted me out of the haze of sleep into His arms.

"You cannot lose what you do not own."


I listen. I breathe it in. Breathe in the depths of what He is speaking into me.

Instantaneously I am overwhelmed with knowing. Liquid peace. Love and belonging course through my spirit's veins as though I've been given a transfusion of new life.

He, my Christ, spoke this in different verbiage to other disciples while on earth. "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

It is His way.  He spoke it in flesh. He speaks it in spirits.

"When you belong to me, all is mine. No provisions necessary. Rights are undone. You cannot lose because you do not own your life."


This is the way of the disciple. Fluid. Penniless to Christ.

Unwavering knowledge of our identity in the one who provides...who soothes...who completes...

My future.

My family.

My relationships.

My mission.

My finances.

My saving.

I cannot lose what I do not own. I do not own myself. I am His.


I turn back over and look at the clock. I'm swaddled in presence...blankets of Him wrap me like a cocoon and I am lost.

Eyes flicker and sleep resumes. When I wake hours later, I am still wrapped tight in Him. Joyful. Delighted with life. Lost.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

This will be over soon...

I often have the same thought driving home at night from work: This will be over soon.

Don't take me wrong. Don't take me literally. Well, maybe a little.

I'm not thinking about the fact that my work week will be over soon. Nor am I ruminating upon the woes of my life and how at some point they just have to end. It's quite the opposite.

I often think of my little girls...how the days are passing so quickly...how long their legs are...how soon it will no longer be days of childhood but days of decisions and letting go...

I think of how serious everything was when I was younger. I was in such a hurry to "become"...so worried about how the ends would meet and be completed...I missed much of the beauty of aliveness...

So when I have the thought "This will be over soon"...It is very peaceful...very matter of fact...It reminds me to stay present in the stage of life I am in...to breathe in the beauty...to make the moments last...

"Soon" reminds me that life is finite and I will never be able to slow it down...but that even in this there is peace...because I'm moving toward my soul's ultimate expression...He's waiting for me and the heartaches or losses I worry that might come, will never break me totally because my ultimate living comes at the end of this journey and into the next...

Worrying and hurrying only exhaust the process and wipe away lessons and growth...they inhibit rain filled moments of wonder and joyous celebrations in the mundane of everyday living...

Aliveness is knowing that this will all be over soon. 

Aliveness is knowing that life must be "grabbed by the lapels" and kissed full on the mouth with passion...determined to experience the great love affair He intended for us. All the while knowing that our ultimate ending...is far better and thus should not be feared.

As I'm learning to walk in this way with life, I'm realizing the depths of contentment and peace this brings to my humanity. Knowing and accepting that I will age, I will love, I will hurt, I will laugh, I will fail, I will rejoice, and I will give away...these are peaceful parts of the dance towards the beginning of my real existence. There is nothing to fear. This is a temporary affair that will lead me to the love of my life...I'm good with that.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Undone.

Sun streamed floors and quiet rooms...all is still...


Except for the sobs wracking my body...


I am undone. 


Knees deep in carpet...tears dampen my palms as I rock forward into my hands...


Overwhelming peace...pure presence...unmatchable...


I am undone.


I am wrecked at the very notion of a love this great. Pure...definitive...soft and severe simultaneously...


He beckons me...He woos me...He caresses my soul and lifts me into His arms...


I am undone.


Laundry waits on the counter...fresh...warm...but this moment...it cannot be re-scheduled...it is holy...


I utter few words...the air is thick and full of Him...words seem trite...unnecessary...


He speaks and I listen...Do not question...stand strong and go forward...


I am undone.


All my days I have longed for this...this feeling...this knowing...this place of perfection...


In this carpeted, messy, wrecked moment it is ever so clear...He. Loves. Me. 


He beckons me to hand it over...the one pervading lie I've believed for a year...a lie handed to me by another but seemingly believable...I wrestle...


I am undone.


I release the label...the lie...He gently reminds me...I am His...He has never recognized the lie I believed to be my truth...He was simply waiting for the surrender...


I am undone...and I am free.


Grace n Peace, 


A ~

Come to Me...New Music

I have listened to this song on repeat all day...so utterly beautiful...


Enjoy the deep currents of these words...

Come to Me: Bethel Music 

I am the Lord your God,
I go before you now.
I stand beside you
I’m all around you
And though you feel I’m far away
I’m closer than your breath
I am with you
More than you know

I am the Lord your peace
No evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind
Come into my rest
And oh, let your faith arise
And lift up your weary head
I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
And I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you
I’m your faithful strength
And I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved

I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Just come to me, come to me
Cause I’m all that you need

Grace n Peace Friends,

A ~

If only for myself...Eucharisteo

Eucharisteo: The Daily Pursuit To Recognize His Blessings

1. Wet headed little girls singing...
2. My mother...ever giving...
3. Community...
4. Conversations...
5. God whispers at the end of the day..."Just come to me"...
6. Texts to my Best Friend of inspiration and a Savior...
7. Chinese right out of the carton after a day of starving...
8. Heart of Eucharisteo through the fog of life...
9. Moonlit car rides home...
10. Health...
11. My Father...ever kind...
12. Nine year old gangly legs and heart all wrapped around me...
13. Hope...
14. Joy rising...
15. His Words...ever true...
16. Holidays...bright...
17. Dreams coming to fruition...
18. Peace...
19. Music...sweet music...
20. Quilts...
21. Six year old baby girls who worry about the little girls asking Santa for food that are hungry...
22. Big hearts...
23. Freedom...mind, body, soul...
24. Grace for the times I feel inadequate...
25. And Love...glorious Love...in all forms...

I am ever so blessed.

When overwhelmed and tired...all I must do is practice Eucharisteo and I am set free from earthly chains...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Screwing up = Teachable Raft Rides :-)

I just finished Hebrews. The last chapter was beautiful. Full of truths that I loved and thought about expounding on...but I felt...nothing.

I sat here. I felt nothing. My mind...feels tired. I feel like today I might have not been very present for many parts.

I'm not sure exactly why...except that when my life is busy...I have to make a conscious choice to pursue presence.

I've been slammed. Then there's the incessant chatter of my 6 year old. Music to my ears...laughter to my soul...but right about eight o'clock now...I'm craving solitude.

I'm learning to recognize when I'm a little out of touch with myself and Him...

The day flies by and I can't remember poignant moments where I stopped and marveled at Him...

I spend the day doing "busy" work and no "spirit" work...

I sit down too late too tired to really fully digest His word and I'm struck again by my humanness...

These are the moments I find I'm teachable...these are the moments He ushers me back to meaning...to presence...

He sits with me on the leather couch and reminds me that I'm not this world's...I'm His...

All the while reminding me He loves me...because I'm fallible...I'm faulty...I'm imperfect...

I have to live in this world...I need communion with others...I need to listen to my little girls and hear their thoughts even with pounding head...

I need to give myself to chores and laundry with cheer and thankfulness...these too can be acts of worship...

I truly believe anything we do with gratefulness to the Father can be formed into worship...

It's a beautiful thing. 


This ebb and flow.


This grace river I float in with God.

He leads me and when I begin to go adrift...he grabs my raft and pulls me back to the deeper rapids where I can continue to move forward...where this a current of Him...

This is the beauty of failing some days...failure results in teachable spirits...

When he pulls me back I'm reminded I'm a nobody...a flub...and what's incredibly startling is that this is comforting...I'm actually comforted that I'm a flub...a screw up...because that means I'm still acutely aware I can never survive the ride without Him...

For this reminder...I am grateful this day...


For failures past and present...I accept with grace today...


For the rapids He pulls me back into...I rejoice...


Because this all means my spirit and soul are alive in Him...

Glorious.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Retinas and Peace

Sun gazers. I watched a documentary on: Sun gazers.

Sun gazers are a group of really dedicated individuals that stare into the sun in the hopes of finding peace, tranquility, and appetite control. No seriously. Appetite control.

I watched these people stand barefoot across America and stare into the sun in what seemed to be a very Zen like state waiting for their peace. I have to admit I was captivated. At the end of the documentary, the young man filming went to have his eyes examined after a few months of sun gazing.

He had permanently damaged his retinas.

I turned to my father and said (yes I know...cliche') "People are desperate for deeper meaning and peace."

There have been times in my life where I'm pretty sure I might have tried Sun gazing if it would have given me peace. I think we've all had those times.

You want relief. You've tried everything to calm the storm and...well...IT AIN'T WORKIN'!

I'm reading Hebrews right now. VERY. SLOWLY.  Hebrew's requires digesting...thought...pondering...GOOGLING...

I'm trying to reap truths out of it one verse slowly at a time...

Tonight I was reading in chapter 12 and the subject of peace arose...I read it. I re-read it. I read it thrice.

"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord."


OK...hold up...did He say that I will not see the Lord if I do not live in peace? Really?

(Yeah holiness too but the purpose of this blog is peace)

Then as I'm typing it hits me...OK so I MUST live peaceable with all people...OK I generally do that...I love all types...I think I've got that down...

But wait...aren't I a "people"?

Does it mean that if I am not peaceable with myself that I will not see my Lord? Out there I know...

But let's talk straight...Don't we really war with ourselves more than we war with others most of the time?

How about this scenario of the mind: You can't do that. You're used up. You're damaged. You've got nothing left to offer.

Or this one: You're stuck. Utterly stuck. This place you're in today...man you'll always be RIGHT HERE.

Maybe you roll this way: I don't need to surrender. If I can predict this situation by ruminating on every possible outcome I can control the events of my life.


Anything connect? I hope you are much more evolved than I am. I hope you never war with yourself.

But if you do...maybe God wanted us to know that if we war with ourselves...if we are not at peace with ourselves...if we attack ourselves...We are against Him.

Because He is IN us.

I'm a big believer in surrender. I just have found for me...it's truly the only way. When my days of wonderment and pondering of all things futuristic and question-marked come...I've learned to surrender.

I don't have to fill in the blanks. I don't have to make everyone happy. I don't have to solve every problem.

I do have to live in peace.

If He is in me...peace is in me.

If I am at war...I'm replacing Him with an idol of self-reliance.

It doesn't take me very long any more to surrender quickly...I'd rather spend my days chasin' dreams and the perfect tree than trying to solve where I'll be in 10 years. It's all good. He's got me.

He's IN me.

I wish I had the digits to those poor people burning up their retinas in search of peace...I think I could save them spotty vision and frustration...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Incarnational Living

Living Incarnational.

I've never ever thought of this in terms of myself and my own little life. Let me explain.

I'm reading Margaret Feinberg's book "The Organic God". She writes of the incarnational way God lived out his life on earth through the son Jesus. One line she writes rocks me to the core, "He was literally born into the stench of this world, and he embraced those in it." Feinberg goes on to relate this to our lives and living "incarnational" with the world. Purposeful. Somewhat painful.

I think of the woman I heard about on my hospital floor yesterday...40 years old...bleeding profusely from her rectum. Doctors have searched for a diagnoses for a year...they found one: Terminal Cancer. All throughout her body.

I think of the little girl in my babies school. She is cross eyed. Poor I would imagine since her clothes are too small....full of life...hyper even. She runs to me every time I come to eat lunch with Laine. She is desirous of love.

I think of my brother. My sweet brother. My wreck of a brother. (He would tell you this.) High-maintenance sometimes...yet filled with the biggest heart you can imagine. Addicted. Broken. Hard. Yet tears filled his eyes with every sentence as I sat on the floor beneath his chair on thanksgiving...just listening.

I think of my children. Bright. Beautiful. Full lives ahead. Broken by abandonment. Hurt by adults that were too attuned to selfishness rather than innocence. I hear their stories, I hold their hands...weep inwardly and try to help them sort the pain. Pray in dark car rides home for them...fill their days with hope and their minds with a Father that does not abandon and will always love...

And I connect with the process of incarnational living...I get it...Christ showed us the way. He showed us with lepers touched...women healed of hemorrhage...disloyal disciples...misunderstood prostitutes...rich rulers that deserved snubbing for injuring the poor...

He lived dirty. He felt the pain. He walked among them even when it broke His heart. Incarnational.

My prayer today is that I can continue to evolve incarnationally...to reach out more even in the midst of my own chaotic over scheduled life...to drop all when the need arises and get dirty...Incarnational. Living.

Grace n Peace,

A ~