Soul Soil...Boats...and Hydrangeas

I think I've been hiding from my blog because I'm well...hiding.

I don't ever like to portray anything less than bubbly and fun and "overcoming"...yet the last year has had moments of anything but these sentiments...

Yet...I'm not lost or overcome. I'm...rooted but not jubilant.

It's a new emotion and space for me.

I'm the life of the party.

I'm the one who dances and sings Happy Birthday via Marilyn Monroe...

I help stabilize others...not myself.

Yet here I find myself. Spreading deep into the soil of my soul for roots...

Admittedly, in the last 2 months I've struggled to stay on top of it all. It's been lonely, boring, busy, and tedious at best. Yet, I'm not lost or overcome. Weird.

When younger and less experienced, I had a tendency in these moments to flip out. To quit and look for other venues. To run.

Now I find that this space...this place of rooting and growth and patience...is teaching me self-discipline on a different level. Staying power.

I've realized that I cannot panic anymore about where I'm headed...this is the ultimate trust in the process of God. The ultimate trust in who He has created me to be. The ultimate trust that He truly holds my world.

But it's so dang boring. So lonely. So...just SO.

I have not had moments where I wanted to quit. I don't feel like running. I do have moments where I want more community. I have moments where I want my own home again. I want to grocery shop for my own pantry. I want more than 27.00 in my bank account. I want I want I want...hmm....maybe that's the point.

He keeps leading me beside the still waters...and I keep looking for a boat with a motor...

He keeps letting all my belongings be stolen from my storage unit....

He keeps letting me make less now than I have since high school...

He keeps letting me be dependent on others for help...

He keeps letting me fall in the soil of my soul over and over and over...

Still waters...

Pretty sure that's the point...still waters...I'll never grow and bloom fruit or hydrangeas in my soul soil if I keep running...If I quit...If I don't stick with the process....

Still waters...

Pretty sure my soul soil is planted beside the still waters...and that is why every time I find a boat with a motor and sail off...I sail away from myself...from my God...from my purpose...and from the soil where I'll really grow my life's purpose...

Still waters....they just aren't as exciting some times as the boat with the motor...but they are incredibly fulfilling in the end when you're sitting on the shore and looking at the blooms....eating fruit from your soul soil and peaceful...

I think I get it...

Grace and Peace,

A ~