Grafting of my soul tree...

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love....
For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want...
 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:13,17, 22-25 NIV

My mentor says I'm way too hard on myself. In some regards I am...yet there are other subconscious areas of my inner life that lay so deeply rooted within, I am not even aware they are present. These personalities go undetected. Voices that speak to my heart and out of my mouth before I realize that yes...those attributes are a part of me.

God has been shifting...sifting...me...
Showing me the deepest parts of my soul and makeup...
Attributes I was not ready and not even evolved enough to recognize until this season...
Until now, I believe He had so much to work through on the surface...on the immediate, obvious areas of my soul that these deeper pseudo soul aspects went unnoticed...
Now He sifts...

It's unnerving.
I find myself having major internal dialogues with God...all day...

He pricks me after certain thoughts.

He wrecks me after certain words.

It's immediate.

It's painful.

It's neccessary.

I find that He is teaching me basic elements of community. I'm relearning how to love others that are not like me. How to love others I don't like. How to love others and not JUDGE others. I didn't realize I was so judgemental. So dismissive. So rude.

There are times I hear myself and I am appalled...ashamed...repentant...

These days are the days I realize that Matt Chandler is right when he says "Holiness is constant confession and repentance..."

I'm confessing and repenting more these days than ever before...and not because my lifestyle has changed one iota...but because God is pushing harder...deeper...He wants more of me...

I want more of Him...

I didn't realize at 35 that I would be learning how to be "in" the "world" (whatever that means because we're all on the same playing field...sinners) and remain loyal to the fruits of the spirit within these friendships....
Love...
Joy...
Peace...
GENTLENESS...
LONGSUFFERING...
KINDNESS...

I sit in class and pray..."Father...I'm who I don't want to be...my responses when I'm tired...my responses when I'm irritated...my tone...Father...work on me..."

It's a constant sifting of the soul and the deepest elements of my raising and theologies...

He's grafting a new branch on my soul tree...Gentleness...

It does not come naturally to me...

I'm driven. I'm fun. I'm loyal. I'm a lover. But I'm not always gentle.

I'm brutally honest and have a way of blurting out truths...which I later realize are judgements...not gentle...

So I'm not "working" on this...I'm allowing, begging, confessing to, and releasing this area of my soul tree to God...

And ever so surely...day after day...restrained tongue after confession...He is chopping off that limb and grafting the limb of gentleness and love in it's place...

It will be a while before I'll be able to know that this new limb is a permanant fixture on my trunk.

It will be gradual...just like training for the marathon...

But this I know...it's in each confession...just like each sweat drenched run...that He is producing a desired outcome in me...not like works...no no...this is quite different...

Just like sweat (pardon the grossness) removes impurities and keeps my body in sync during the training until the ultimate event...Repentance, confession, and constant surrender removes the areas of my soul that need to be worked out...removed...replaced with stronger Christ attributes...

This is LOVE...Each soul confession drenches me in more love for Him...for "them"...because that is my initial motivation...

My love for Him...and IF I love Him...I become more like Him...

I cannot stay the same...stagnancy will rot my roots and I will lose my soul tree...

I must stretch towards the sky and the sunshine...I must allow the grafting to shape me into the beautiful soul oak He has planned for me...

Because others will need my shade one day...

Grace n Peace,

A ~