I minimize the actions and thoughts and deeds within me that are deemed selfish...or so I think...then I step out of my life...step into deeper silence and meditation on the word and I find I'm not as forgiving, loving, helpful, self-aware as I think myself to be.
The hardest part of realizing you are selfish is beginning the painstaking process of listening to God's nudges...and not ignoring them. Once you've been shown your humanity and it's pride...you can't turn back and act like you never saw it. You make a definitive choice. You either take the path of least resistance, or you start the trek towards a deeper holiness that leaves you behind and Him in front.
I find my selfishness and pride flare in areas where I never thought to look...my reactions to projects I don't want to do. Attitudes when tired and unwilling to be helpful but know that those I love need me and my help. Responses that are curt in my mind but I must stop before proceeding out of my mouth...these and others I could name off...
Pride flares in my spirituality....it says...I'm more evolved...I'm more together...I'm further than you are...
Funny thing is...I'm not. At all.
Pride allows me to hide insecurities that I don't want you to see. Failures. Weaknesses. Humanity.
Oh yeah, and it's exhausting.
So...I've decided to trek on up towards holiness. I've been through many processes in my life. Seems I'm in a new one....a breaking down of sorts. Breaking open...again.
It feels...well...glorious...freeing...hard...expectant...scary...but most of all...it feels...ordained...holy...
How else could a Walmart parking lot feel as holy ground? Tears fall at the thought of the broken? Pride turn to repentance? Fear turn to confidence? Death turn to life?
As we lean into Lent tomorrow, I find this season so ripe and rich. Truths and treasures bubble to the surface of this God time...
New is being birthed...all things in their time...
Heart flutters of God and triumph...song and repentance...
Crowns of thorns fill the air of my early morning praise...
Blood drips upon my sins of pride and selfishness...
Untrodden paths become evident and assigned...
Awakening is sure and steady...
We are IN holy space...treading holy pathways of the Almighty together as a body...
Fasting towards a Savior that leads with love and gentleness...
Drawn by a lap whose legs were broken...
Held by arms and hands pierced so we can merely say "Yes"...
Yes...Lent will prove to be a holy birthing place for us all...
Reaching far into our depths and calling out the darkness...
Commanding it to flee and be replaced with holy fervor and purpose...
To follow...to BE followers...of the Holy...of the Christ...
He says "Come and die. Then you will live."
Forever...live with our Christ...
Freeing others who are crying out in other ways like we do...
Through silence or the loudest scream...freeing them...
Come and dine the master's calling Come and dine...We can eat and drink of Jesus all the time...
It rings in my ears like an old relic...He is calling us to dine at His table of brokenness and repentance...how beautiful...how divine...Come and dine...
Grace n Peace,
A~
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