Rowdy Crowd of Emergent Disciples

"Who knows of the possibilities of love when men and women share not only children, house and garden, but the fulfillment of their biological roles, but the responsibilities and passions of the work that creates the human future. It has barely begun the search of women for themselves."

Betty Freidan

I've always been a bit of a radical...OK a LOT of a radical...
I've often gone against the grain for what I believed to be true and right...even if the crowd didn't...
It's not often fun and definitely not popular...
It also hasn't fit in with the "religious" ideologies set out for women...

Speaking your mind and using your voice can be frowned upon those of us with ovaries...
We've had to learn to walk silent and speak when given the opportunity...
Yet..there is a shift...a new emergence of men and women that are joining together...
Equality within the body of believers...working alongside to rid injustice, racism, and oppression...

Seems this generation and the one coming up are more concerned with justice than gender...
With spreading life rather than ideologies...
Working alongside rather than separating into rooms to devise what to do with each "group"...
It's time. It's refreshing. It's His way.

I'm convinced our Savior doesn't care who does or how His lost lambs get pulled from the thicket...
He just wants them untangled.
I think he's looking down on this new emergent group of disciples and thinks to himself...
"THAT. Is my church. In whom I am well pleased."

But it's only the beginning. With organizations such as A21, Living Hope Water, and Compassion International, there is much opportunity to get involved and use our voices.
I just choose to believe that the more we work alongside...the louder of collaborative voice becomes...and not only do we shake Heaven's gates with our requests for justice...we also shake the earth with a new gang of rowdy disciples that show compassion, humanity, devotion, fierce commitment, and an all out war on the injustice of our poor, our broken, our lost, our abandoned. our fatherless, our used, our abusers, our abused, our incarcerated, our enslaved...

We will win as one voice. We will untangle. We will. Together. 

Isaiah 1:17-18

17 Learn to do right; seek justice. 

   Defend the oppressed.[a] 

Take up the cause of the fatherless; 

   plead the case of the widow.

 18 “Come now, let us settle the matter,” 

   says the LORD. 

“Though your sins are like scarlet, 

   they shall be as white as snow; 

though they are red as crimson, 

   they shall be like wool.

Grace n Peace,


A ~

Best Date I've ever had...

"Patience attains all that it strives for. He who has God finds he lacks nothing: God alone suffices." 

Saint Teresa of Avila

Two days in a row. I set my alarm for 330 am to get up. I didn't. I was tired. I wanted to sleep in before getting to clinicals at 6:00 am. So I hit snooze...repeatedly...slept through my date with my beloved. I ate through my Lent days at the hospital the last two days...rather than staying on course with my commitments to knowing Him better...

Yes. I feel a bit guilty. But more than guilty. I miss my friend, my beloved. Calling Him my Best Friend doesn't seem good enough. Our affair is so much more...

I can take my most romantic days...most romantic experiences...and they don't compare...not one second with my moments with Him...

I've really really missed His voice to start my days. I'm not the same girl when I start without Him. I'm less focused...I feel crammed and rushed...

When I hear His voice...read His promises...His love letters...my soul is solidified...it starts me right...gives my thoughts and intents for the day alignment with His...replaces my thoughts and intents with His...whatever comes my way...I'm ready.

Tomorrow. The alarm goes off again for my date with my Beloved. I plan to meet up with Him. Sit in His presence and re-align. I'm my "best self" when I'm showered in His light...love answers rather than flesh...peace floods rather than humanity...peace abounds rather than stress...

He loves me more than I can ever love Him...thinks more of me than anyone ever could...understands my heart and dreams more than I do...has given up everything to be with me...

When I think about those qualities...I'd say that's the best date you can go on... ;-)

Grace n Peace,

A

Peace Pockets...NOT pizza pockets

"As you progress in your healing, you will find the pockets of peace become longer and longer." She said to me...sunlight streaming through windows...tears down cheeks as I sat in my therapist' office wrapped snug in a blanket on the proverbial couch...

"Your body is addicted to the chaos that it has become accustomed to within this relationship. You don't know how to be content and stable. You look for drama because it's all you've known in this marriage. You've got to learn a new normal."

That was 6 years ago and many sessions...prayers...triumphs...failures...and lessons later. I now truly understand the principle she was preparing me for... 

"Pockets of Peace" cannot be taught...you must live them...you wake up one day and you are in them...

I had that moment this afternoon. I was laying down for a short nap after school...I heard my children playing outside beneath my window...the room was still...my spirit and soul were still...then it struck me like lightining in a spring storm...my life is a pocket of peace....

Not one small pocket of peace linked to another...but a continuous journey with Christ in peace...


I. Get. It. Now.

Funny thing is...I'm not in what people would term ideal conditions...

Divorced. Single Mom. Student at 35. Living with parents. Completely fluid future with no cemented plans...yet...I'm the most content and peaceful I've ever been. 

Here's how I view it:

Redeemed. Beloved. Enveloped. Forgiven. Chosen. Beautiful. Marked. Expectant. Evolving. Loved.

God doesn't take the standards of society to create peace pockets. He creates them anywhere. Anyhow. With ANYONE. 

There is no formula. 

There is no special type of person.

Common Denominator: Christ. In Him crucified. 

Me trying to fix it all. Gone.

Me trying to figure it out. Gone. 

Me trying to BE God. Gone.

My idols of peace replacers. Gone.

Me living in unbridled peace and contentment no matter where I am...who I'm with...or what I have? Here to stay.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

What? If?

I absolutely love this...

If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desire not too strong, but too weak.

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us,

We are like ignorant children who want to continue making mud pies in a slum because we cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of  a vacation at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

C.S. Lewis

What could we do in Christ if we simply believed? 

What if we got out of our heads and into His heart?

What if our dreams were bigger than our fears?

What if we took his Word and LIVED it...through FAITH? Knowing we were unstoppable?

What if we said "yes" more and "no" less?

What if we stopped finding reasons to stay and started finding reasons to go?

What if "comfortable" was no longer acceptable?

What if "you" was more important than "me"?

What if "your children" concerned me as much as "my children"?

What if we allowed our worlds to collide and found solutions?

What if we lived light? 

I think all these things are more than possible...

One tiny step...

One thought...

One action at a time...

Together...

Grace n Peace...

A ~

Enough.

Thursdays are the bomb.

Every Thursday I run out to my car and feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders...for the next eight hours.

I go to school 10 hrs a day Monday through Thursday. Then, I work 12 hour shifts on Friday and Saturday. It gets tiring. I don't tell you that for sympathy (although as I type this I must admit I did feel a little sorry for myself ;-) ). I tell you that to show you why Thursdays from 4:30 to 9:00 pm are bliss.

I get to let it all go. Tests are behind me. I don't have to study again till tomorrow (even though a more studious student would study tonight). I get to sit in the sunshine, drink coffee, reflect on the week and enjoy my girls. Perfection.

Enough. Thursdays...are the "enough". Thursdays are what make every other moment building up to them tolerable...enjoyable...and important. Thursdays are the grace in the storm.

We're on day 2 of Lent and the overriding theme I feel in my heart is "enough". Live with enough. Enough with our slavery. Enough with our losing to sin. Enough with the injustice of the world. Enough.

Christ gave it all up so we could live in "enough". So we could say "enough". So we would be provided "enough". So we would provide others with "enough".

It's like my Thursdays...when we strip away all the busyness and the noise. Stop and rest. Take inventory. We realize that what makes us happy...What makes us sated...What makes us fulfilled...is living in the land of "enough".

When we have too much...when we live too busy...when we don't give back...we tell God His "enough" isn't good enough and we lose the privilege of the lifestyle of "enough".

When we move into the lifestyle of "more"...We lose Him. We lose His kingdom. We lose others.

Living the life of enough is like that sprint I make to my car every Thursday at 4:30 pm...It's exciting. It's rewarding. It takes hard work to accomplish it. But when you find yourself in it...It's pure bliss. The ultimate lifestyle we were created to live. Isn't that so much better than stuff and time wasters?

As I end this blog my heart is swelling in exaltation...I have four unfettered hours with which to do nothing but enjoyable, treasured happenings...I'm in love with Thursday's...I'm in love with Jesus...I'm grateful for enough. Because after all...

Enough is Enough.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Come and Dine...

I'm selfish. There I said it.
I minimize the actions and thoughts and deeds within me that are deemed selfish...or so I think...then I step out of my life...step into deeper silence and meditation on the word and I find I'm not as forgiving, loving, helpful, self-aware as I think myself to be.

The hardest part of realizing you are selfish is beginning the painstaking process of listening to God's nudges...and not ignoring them. Once you've been shown your humanity and it's pride...you can't turn back and act like you never saw it. You make a definitive choice. You either take the path of least resistance, or you start the trek towards a deeper holiness that leaves you behind and Him in front.

I find my selfishness and pride flare in areas where I never thought to look...my reactions to projects I don't want to do. Attitudes when tired and unwilling to be helpful but know that those I love need me and my help. Responses that are curt in my mind but I must stop before proceeding out of my mouth...these and others I could name off...

Pride flares in my spirituality....it says...I'm more evolved...I'm more together...I'm further than you are...

Funny thing is...I'm not. At all.

Pride allows me to hide insecurities that I don't want you to see. Failures. Weaknesses. Humanity.

Oh yeah, and it's exhausting.

So...I've decided to trek on up towards holiness. I've been through many processes in my life. Seems I'm in a new one....a breaking down of sorts. Breaking open...again.

It feels...well...glorious...freeing...hard...expectant...scary...but most of all...it feels...ordained...holy...

How else could a Walmart parking lot feel as holy ground? Tears fall at the thought of the broken? Pride turn to repentance? Fear turn to confidence? Death turn to life?

As we lean into Lent tomorrow, I find this season so ripe and rich. Truths and treasures bubble to the surface of this God time...
New is being birthed...all things in their time...
Heart flutters of God and triumph...song and repentance...

Crowns of thorns fill the air of my early morning praise...
Blood drips upon my sins of pride and selfishness...
Untrodden paths become evident and assigned...
Awakening is sure and steady...

We are IN holy space...treading holy pathways of the Almighty together as a body...
Fasting towards a Savior that leads with love and gentleness...
Drawn by a lap whose legs were broken...
Held by arms and hands pierced so we can merely say "Yes"...

Yes...Lent will prove to be a holy birthing place for us all...
Reaching far into our depths and calling out the darkness...
Commanding it to flee and be replaced with holy fervor and purpose...
To follow...to BE followers...of the Holy...of the Christ...

He says "Come and die. Then you will live."
Forever...live with our Christ...
Freeing others who are crying out in other ways like we do...
Through silence or the loudest scream...freeing them...

Come and dine the master's calling Come and dine...We can eat and drink of Jesus all the time...

It rings in my ears like an old relic...He is calling us to dine at His table of brokenness and repentance...how beautiful...how divine...Come and dine...

Grace n Peace,

A~

Beloved..I'm yours...

I've had this song on repeat for my runs and my drives...

It ushers me right to His eyes...I feel like I'm sitting with God and all I can do is feel loved, cherished, and complete...

We are His...

Beloved - Tenth Avenue North

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me


You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery


Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me


You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me


Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life


Cause you're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
& it binds you to me


You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery
It's a mystery


Grace n Peace,

A ~

Quiet power and strength...

When I was 27 and going through a traumatic period of life a mentor stepped forward and prayed "Give her a quiet power and strength." I received it...I thought of it...I tried to make it happen.

Looking back, there was no way I could have manufactured such a divine request.

At 35, I get it. I've always said when age is approached in conversation, that I am proud of my age. That I've "earned" every year of my 35...

I was reminded of the beauty of this while studying and spending time with God this morn. I picked up Lisa Bevere's new book "Lioness Arising" on a whim last week. I began reading it today. I am spell bound.

One thing she says in chapter 2 "I have discovered this dynamic of ease with strength and rest with power is a very telling and beautiful image of a godly woman. Lovely ones, I give you permission to be at ease with your strength and at rest with your power. Usually, these pairings of ease with strength and rest with power come with the passage of time. They fuse as you begin to realize there is a power that abides within. Just as righteousness is a state we rest in, there is a realm where strength is a haven as well. We discover rest when we cease from striving."


Yes. Oh yes. Looking back at the last decade of my life (decade..wow)...I've been learning to "be at ease with my strength and at rest with my power." 

At 25, I believed I knew my entire life path. I thought I'd never learn how to converse with God like I imagined I should in my mind. I was constantly striving...in my mind...with my physical appearance...with God. I could not be at rest. I thought I should have what my mentors already had gleamed...little did I know that "ease with your strength and rest with your power" is a painful process.  It takes time.  You mostly don't even know you've been in the process until you look back. Furthermore, the process never ends.

At 25, I felt like strength was to be exerted...exercised so people would know I possessed it. At 35, the strength is quiet...within...there is no striving. I am at peace with myself, my path, and the unknown in God. He has me. It's quite beautiful.

At 25, rest was quite foreign to me. I could not fathom rest and truly could not rest my weary, busy mind. At 35, admittedly I'm still working through this concept. However, I am able now to live in the now. I refuse worry. I struggle with being busy in my mind but God is working this out within me. It's quite beautiful.

Looking back, I see now that in that moment where the Divine Mrs. M prayed for a "quiet sense of strength"...this was not to be an instantaneous request. She was birthing a process within me. One that will never cease...I will always need to grow more. I will always look for deposits from the women before me. There is a peace in knowing that God allows life to unfold as it should...

I'm happy to say that I love the 35 year old me...she's quite sassy and ready to take on the world for God. No apologies for this...He made me this way. But with all the spunk and spontaneity He's given me...the part of my journey I treasure the most is being at "ease with my strength and rest with my power." 

Knowing you are His is the most safe, fluid, beautiful, quiet, peaceful space within which to dwell...I highly recommend it...


There is nothing good in me. There is nothing powerful in me. The strength...the power...it is all HIM...
That's the lesson...


At 25, I looked to myself...to my abilities...I thought I could "make" it happen...it all fell apart...many times...
At 35, I look to Him...for everything...I don't trust myself...I trust Him...I don't "make" anything happen...I sit back and let Him unfold it...THAT is the lesson of strength and power...WE HAVE NONE...HE is our strength and power...

To gain my truest self...I've had to lose...everything. My pride, My ruminations, My control, My money, My sense of time, My attitude, My haughtiness...and I gained...

Well, I gained my life. The life I'm meant to live.

So...there is no shame or pride for me to say I possess a "ease with my strength and rest with my power"...

It's a true statement. A testament to the God I love so very much. Should I turn back to myself...I'd lose it instantaneously. HE is my strength and power. I assert that, I live that, I believe that.

Knowing that statement...I can walk in the quite strength and power I tried to force for a decade. I can...walk in Him.

The old song comes to mind, "What a fellowship...What a joy divine...Leaning on the everlasting arms...What a blessedness...What a peace is mine...Leaning on the everlasting arms."

I think the author Elisha Hoffman probably knew about quiet strength and power when she penned this hymn...

Leaning on the everlasting is where the power and strength forever lie...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

One lucky girl...that's me...

I really don't know how I became so lucky to get to live this particular life...
Really...
Certainly not perfect...has it's share of upsets...
But today...today was perfection...
I spent it with one of the two favorite females in my life...

She's only seven...but she continues to teach me more about love and gratefulness than anyone I have encountered...
I say she is "pure sunshine"...It's not an exaggeration...She is...
"Thank you Mommy" crowned every sentence today. Literally.
She lives in a constant state of gratefulness. I'm humbled.

I crave these days and moments. I try to suck up each morsel. They are finite I know.
I laugh deep and hearty.
I listen long and put my phone down.
I catch myself on the verge of tears at my good fortune.
I am. The Lucky Girl.

No Ifs. No Ands. No Buts.
I'm lucky. To have been granted this moment.
This God. This date in history. These two little women.
All. Of. THIS.
I'm. THE LUCKY GIRL.

Humbled is the only way I can describe my heart...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

These are a few of my favorite things...

Barrettes with fake diamonds...
Walks in the rain...face wet...legs pumpin...listening to the Message...
Girl baby kisses...
God every moment...
Mint chocolate chip ice cream...
Hope...peace...love...
lip gloss...
New Bibles...
Smiles you helped make...
laughter...
Day off...
Avocados...
Presence...
Friends...
Coffee...just perfect...
Books...glorious, lovely, substantial books...
God...
Anything old...
Men who say their women are "out of their league"...
Daddies that buy their 35 year old "baby" tulips for Valentines day...
New Dreams...
Old Dreams...
Nights with 7 hours of sleep...
Quiet days alone...
Fun nights out with friends...
Grace...
God...
Wonderment...
Amazement...
Homework with my girl...
My doll that wakes up at 430 am just to hug me goodbye...
A grandmother that gives and loves every minute of it to two littles...
Mist...
Manicures...
Knowing there is more...
Patience from years of learning...
Comfort in my own skin...
Vintage buttons...
Tree limbs dripping raindrops...
Wet hair air drying...
Perfect pair of jeans...
God...
Jackets all toasty...
New experiences...
Hearts drawn on paper with highlighter...
Good music...
Exquisite nature in any form...

God...

Grace n Peace,


A ~

Slipping away...

Water laps through the tub and I soak it in...literally and figuratively...
I am listening to The Gospel of John in The Message...captivated...
One phrase stands out in the passages above all others to me in this listening...
"He slipped away..."

Instantly, my spirit takes hold of this and it clicks...
"He slipped away..."
I relate to this...I feel it in my bones and soul...
I've been slipping away...

Slipping away can be quite good actually...
See here's the deal...Jesus...Heals the lame man...tells him take up your mat and walk...
Then before anyone can credit Him...He slips away...
Later the lame man finds him and Jesus implores Him not to squander the knowledge He has just been given...

Jesus travels on and decides that his followers need to eat...
He breaks bread and fish for five thousand...more than enough...
People are filled and thrilled...then as they begin to look for this miracle worker...
He has "slipped off"...

Garden of Gethsemane...Jesus goes further...alone...
He slips away from His beloved disciples...
Away from comfort to agony...
He slips away towards His Father...

I've been slipping away the last couple of weeks. I blogged about my experience and revelation about spiritual warfare. Since that experience, I've clung to the Savior....
Not out of desperation...(although I desperately need Him)
But of of pure, unfettered, unquenchable love and adoration...

I want to know Him...not for what He can provide me...I want to know HIM...
I want Him to know my name...when He searches the earth for willing...I want to be first...
I want to know His heartbeat...If He beats for anything...I must also...
I want to follow His leadings...No pride...pure, responsive obedience to His promptings...

So I've been slipping...
I've realized that like Jesus...I must steer clear of areas that might encourage pride...
False trust in things that were never meant to sustain or fill me...
I truly believed Jesus slipped away out of humility and a desire to stay connected to the Father...
Not the crowd...

I'm not interested in "the crowd"...
I'm not interested in applause or accolades...
Although I think I might have been...
I caught myself spending too much time on virtual...albeit I thought I was connecting with Godly friends and enjoying Godly reads...
I was not present. My mind was busy. Busy minds are strongholds. I couldn't focus on lasting moments with Christ and a posture of constant prayer. I had to quit the "false world".


So...I deleted twitter and Facebook off my IPhone. I decided to only check my accounts once a day and for a very brief period. I've not missed it for a second.

I'm making other serious commitments to my my love affair with Christ...but I don't want to share them as I feel it would cheapen them and enter me into a false sense of religious pride...
These commitments of mind, body and spirit...Have not been difficult...they have been joyful...liberating...
The more I commit to Him...the more I fall for Him...the more time I am present with Him...the more of His heart I see...

I think that's why "He slipped away..." captured me today...
It's been such an odd turn in the journey for me to "slip"...
I'm social...I love people...and I enjoy connecting...but the beauty of this next leg of the journey is that while I've stepped back and out of certain realms...
I realize that I'm fully present when I am with people...I'm unencumbered when I listen to their stories...
I can feel their hearts...and I can feel His...because after all...We are ALL His heart...

Grateful this Valentine's Day for a lover that calls me in the night...days...and whispers in my ear "You are mine." 

Glorious God...I am slipping away to you...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Daily Bread...

Give us this day...our daily bread...

Give us this day...our DAILY bread...

I had the house to myself this afternoon and all was still. I popped in Francis Chan's new series "Basic" on prayer. It was incredible. 

He said one line that completely riveted me...it went something like this..."We've prayed the Lord's prayer so many times without really knowing what it means. We pray 'Give us this day our daily bread.' Yet if He only supplied provision each day for THAT day we would probably say 'Why didn't you give me more?'"

I stopped. My heart was pounding. I DO THAT. I'VE DONE THAT. But not just about money...

How many times have I prayed for provision spiritually, relationally, and directionally and He provided enough for THAT day...yet I did not appreciate the provision.

We're programmed by society to plan out our futures. We're programmed to plan out our retirements. We're programmed to plan AGAINST trusting God and to trust WITHIN ourselves and our abilities. This is totally against the prayer Jesus taught us to pray..."Give us this day our daily provision..."

I realized this afternoon at 2:07 pm that I often pray about life and His will...yet I do not accept the provision because I want him to give me the one, five, ten year provision. He doesn't have to work it that way...He is God. 

When I realized the truth of this prayer...I felt SUCH peace. I don't have to worry about my ten year plan. I can work towards goals, work hard, and invest towards the ten year plan. But I don't have to WORRY about the ten year plan NOR KNOW the ten year plan. 

I only have to continue asking for today's provision...then walk in the gratefulness of knowing that He will provide again tomorrow. Thus I never need fear my future or where I will END up because tomorrow when I WAKE up He will have provided again...for THAT day...and I will have...enough.

Enough with God...is all the richest that can be offered...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Delighted...

I've been studying the mind this week.

Not the brain. The MIND.

I'm reading Joyce Meyer's book "Battlefield of the Mind" and it has completely blown me away. I was not a fan of Mrs. Meyers.

I had hit a patch this week where I was completely overwhelmed. I could not shake it. I found myself overcome with thoughts with no real basis and could not for the life of me decipher the cause. I went to my confidants. They shook me up. They reminded me of who I am and who He is. THEN...my best friend put this book in my mind.

My mentor...prayed a prayer over me that I thought would have brought down the building it was so powerful. All three women spoke the same thing: THIS IS WARFARE. I hesitate to even type that because I am so anti super sonic spiritualism and all love and peace. But I will admit...this week...I've fought hell for my mind. Literally. I could not do anything but put one foot in front of the other, stay in the word, and lean into the process and let others guide me.

When I realized that this was indeed an attack upon my mind, I went even deeper into the word and began speaking it over my mind. It broke. Literally broke. My chest had been tight for a month. I woke up this morning completely clear and rested.

Joyce says in Battlefield "You cannot have a positive life with a negative mind." So true. The thing is, I'm completely positive. All the time. People can't calm me down. So when this hit me...I was capsized. I couldn't begin to understand what was happening...until these women spoke into my life.

I got to school today and my mentor put this into my hand: "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

At lunch, we discussed it. She put a spin on it that I've NEVER in all 35 years thought of...He does not ask us pray for the desires of our hearts...he does not ask us to sacrifice for the desires of our hearts...HE ASKS US TO DELIGHT IN HIM!! WHAT?!!? Delight in Him!! I DO delight in Him. How easy is that?

This struck me so powerfully I marinated on it all day...He WANTS to give me good things...He simply wants me to DELIGHT in Him...it makes perfect sense! When you are crazy about someone, you DELIGHT in them. You're happy when they are around. Relationship is what my Father desires...He wants to do life with me. He wants me to be happy with him and he wants to make me happy. Whew.

That being said...one of the keys to breaking a spiritual attack is delighting in the one who made me. Believing the best and knowing He's got me. With all I am and have...He's got me. Delight transforms the soul and mind from self-absorbed to God-absorbed. It's the only way. 

Beautiful.

I realize this is probably the most disjunctive blog I've ever written but my soul and mind are brimming with so many ideas I cannot get it to translate onto the paper as I'd like...I hope you can read between the lines and get it...

May your mind be still in Him, filled with the Word, and may you find yourself delighted today in our Father.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Joy encapsulated over ramen noodles...

These lovelies...fill my life with wonder...I am forever and ever amazed at their beauty and my fortune...

They are...joy unspeakable...unrehearsed...

I am my best when I'm with them...filled with all that is beautiful in this life...

Grateful for early afternoon talks over ramen noodles...and her life...

Dances and laughter...gratefulness for the stolen moments...

This...this is what makes the moments...

Grace n Peace from one blissful Mama...

A ~

Beautiful Soul Departing...

Gnarly scars where each breast should be...
Skin stretched tight over cheekbones revealing a face that has fought long and hard...
Legs so thin and frail she cannot pick them up on her own...
Hair cropped and sparse...lips dry and cracked...

I speak...touch her arm lightly...whisper words hoping somehow to help...
She responds with grace...it unravels me...to my core...
This moment is sacred...
I know she is in transition and I am humbled to dwell in her space...

She floats in and out and each time I touch...she responds...kindly...gingerly...
I look upon her as she sleeps and think to myself "You are beautiful."
Balance of this life moving towards death is almost tangible...I can feel it...sense it...breathe it...

I check in on her one last time before I leave...I have 30 uninterrupted minutes...I linger...not wanting to leave her alone...hovering bedside wanting to hold her in my arms and rock her...
I sit down and begin to pray...silent...slow prayers...asking Him to transition her towards Him...
Proclaiming peace in this place...love...acceptance of the process...
I am grateful to have shared these moments with her...

I walk out to my car and ponder the beauty of this moment...while most would fear it and feel it morbid...I felt so privileged to have shared the space of this beautiful soul...to have been able to whisper to Him about her...with her...what beauty there is in a Saviour that is close even in distasteful journeys...
He is...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

"I've arrived. Have you been waiting on me?"

I am sitting at my desk looking out into sunlight...night is approaching and all is still around me.
I find this moment most peaceful and unnerving. I fight the stillness because when I am still and quiet I must heed the emotions my heart wants to run from...

I look out the window upon masses of trees...strong and able...they seem to beckon my soul to let go...to embrace...

Momentarily...the ache turns to stillness and I am left alone with Him...with the thoughts He has for me...the dreams He has for me...tears drip onto my keys as I type for I know He is in it all...

Every sunlit afternoon...every dark night...every contrived notion that I could come up with for life...every destined place of His will...

He is in them all. 


Forever beckoning me onward...


He is mine. I am His. 

Birds singsong past my window and I am captured again in all that is beauty...all that reminds me there is more...all that says...trek on...keep moving...these...these moments propel my soul onward...ever gazing forward while wanting to look back...but I can't...

I cannot do justice to the past...only strive into the future...unheeding...challenging it with a gaze and stance that says "I've arrived. Have you been waiting on me?"

Blue sky unfolded before my eyes reminds me that tomorrow will come...sooner than later...and I will need to live it. Not exist in it. Live it. It's imperative. I will need to rise...full on life and His promises...draw a boundary around this day and declare it mine for the taking. Tomorrow laid out in plans and journals...notated in my list of dreams...but today...today is all I have with this blue sky...

I look down upon the ground from my window and see our neighbor dog meander through the foliage towards the house...He's unencumbered...strolling towards some fun I might imagine or if lucky a scrap of food...unencumbered nonetheless...He is present...I am reminded to be present...to not look back...this pup...He never once looks back...because...to be present...you cannot look back...gaze is locked in the moment and all is unencumbered...stay present my mind breathes...

As I finish typing my soul still sighs...it still leans into the moments I am trying to avoid...yet peace is tangible...thick...the sun is lower...my heart is steady...this...this moment reminds me that it is forever possible to ache...yet be completely enveloped in a steady flow of peaceful knowing...such are the things of life...bittersweet joys and losses...humanity will always gain and lose...much like the setting sun...

The beauty is...the sun always rises again...

Grace n Peace,

A ~