Survive first. Thrive last.

I'm a recovering worrier...

I spent my twenties fretting. Worried sick. Pale from inner distress.(OK...I'm really just pale naturally but that's beside the point.)

Then I went through a terrible divorce.

Twice.

Voila! I quit worrying...

I know it sounds completely absurd. Funny even. Yet...it truly happened.

When I was going through my second divorce, I physically felt the burden of worry separate itself from me.

I pondered this phenom happening for quite some time...wondering why going trudging through a completely terrible ordeal would free me from such a burden...from such a pathology...

Obviously, God set me free. In the strangest of ways...

So deeply ashamed...my worst fears had happened to me. To my children. I was mortified...deflated... Then His wonderment struck me...

Hurdled over the heart by this singular realization: All I ever feared would killed me...should it happen...did...

And...

I was ALIVE.

I was ALIVE. I was FREE. Saved...

I had not been destroyed.

My children showed resilience.

We were swaddled in peace and spiritual prosperity.

Earthly despondence and failures could not shake the rock solid love we felt in our hearts. Nothing could or can.

Since that period in my life I've undergone massive changes on every level of my living...changes I thought I could never thrive underneath.

Yet I find myself completely unshaken. Completely in Shalom.

He keeps my heart in perfect peace...

I find myself stressed...exhausted...stretched...but shaken? Never.

I walk in wonderment in the small...gratefulness for the minimal...and absolute grace from my God, my family, my children, and myself.

If you're knee deep in worry today, take a moment. Ask yourself this: If this *insert situation, relationship, failing* happens, will I die? Will I be without ANY hope?

I know you might be thinking: YES! It will kill me!

It won't. I know people that have gone through horrific incidences that, though limping...they are still walking through life with wonderment.

What we think today will kill us...usually tomorrow makes perfect sense.

Six years later after a divorce, I am free of angst towards the situation. Six years ago, I felt I'd never recover. I had massive worries that started something like "If THAT happens (he moves on, etc.) I don't know what I'll do."

All those massive worries...came true...

Guess what? I survived. THEN I thrived.

You survive first. Thrive last.

You don't get the lessons without the revelation of teaching.

And there is this mindset that if you are thriving...you have enough money, you have no conflicts, you are getting plenty of rest, there are no worries present...NOPE.

It is completely possible to thrive in life amazement while exhausted, broke, nursing an emotional wound, and not knowing what the future holds...

The key to thriving in amazement of life: CHOOSE to be amazed and astounded and the deepest blessings of aliveness from God NO MATTER WHAT. Notice what is good around you...no matter how small...realize that everything...EVERYTHING is a pure, undeserved, glorious gift.

Then...rest.

Ask God to show you that you will survive.

Believe you will...sit back...

Be in wonderment of the obvious...

Sunshine...

Your children's laughter...

Those who love and help you unconditionally...

Then...get ready to THRIVE!

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Small Kind.

We stood in the wind and he pumped my gas. Divorce final a day before...we didn't have the words. "Baby...I can't take the hurt away...but I can fill up your tank." I didn't need the gas...but that simple act from my Daddy still stands out in my mind. I felt less alone...

I my patient on the floor of his room...he is undone. Blood oozes from the gash on his head. I help him to the wheelchair...He is all flail and none steady. Later as I set his meal before him he begins to weep...I rub his back and tell him not to worry...we all fall sometimes...It's ok...It's OK...
He eats his Alfredo with his hands trying to maintain some shred of decorum and pride...then sleeps peacefully.

She stands on the potty to avoid the germs in her classroom bathroom like I taught her...somehow she does not maneuver just right and ends up wet. Humiliated. She goes to the school nurse who says "Oh my! I've done the same thing!" She lights up as she tells me the story...grateful to not be alone in her predicament.

Small. Kindness.

I find it matters more to me and others than the giant generosities. I continue through my hazed fatigue to try to find ways to be small kind...
Generous kind...
I thank Him for the times I am the receiver of such small mercies...
They sustain the human soul...
Buoy...
Ignite the belief that life is good...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Everything...(*warning might have some typos..a bit punchdrunk from sleep deprivation)

I'm reading this book called "Anything: The prayer that unlocked my God and my Soul" by Jennie Allen.

It's like a soul sister to "Radical" by David Platt.

I lay in bed last night after a long shift...and prayed..."Anything God...no wait...EVERYTHING God...
"
I'm afraid to leave anything out.

To withhold any pieces...

This year has brought a new perspective to my life viewing...it's all eternal...what could be considered trouble or trial...pales...and if I allow this thinking to pervade my selfish, humanistic mind I can appropriately place perspective on...well...EVERYTHING...

Everything feels as though it might turn out very very different for me...
I'm adventurous...when I pray everything...I envision Kenya...I envision the ends of the earth...and love it...

But for now...it looks like He is saying...YOUR everything...is right here...in Conway, AR...fleshing it out for my glory to two little girls...to others...worshipping me EVERYWHERE...

Admittedly, this is contrary to my radical mind...I think everything means extravangant tales of indigenous peoples saved to a loving powerful God...and it might...

But it also means living out love every day...in the laundry...on the job...at school...in the parent teacher conferences...in the...mundane...

It's quite radical...at least for me...
I know others would breathe sighs of relief for this seasonal calling...but it's been a challenge for my red headed personality and heart...

However, I find God sanctifying me through the mundane...the repriprocity of kindness in the small...the reconciliation to the simple...

I also find that when we pray everything...it probably looks vastly different than our idea of everything...
He knows what I need...

I find eternity based daily living so freeing...I don't fret...I'm completely at peace...

No funds? Have to work 16 hour shifts? No worries...this is momentary...

No idea about the next step? No worries...He will illuminate the footing in His time...

No strength? His is incredibly perfect...

Eternity...what a consolation to no longer live for me...Everything...

Everything...

Everything...

Grace n Peace,
A ~

Sun and Moon

It's dark in the car...I turn on the music and lean in...

If you are the sun
then I wanna be the moon
I wanna reflect the light that shines from you
And if this is war
Then I'm gonna draw my sword
This time I know what I am fighting for...
I become undone...not the messy, unstoppable undone...this is quiet...deep...impenatrable... I reflect on the blood I carried yesterday in my hands...eager to be transfused to a waiting body in need...gelatinous...life sustaining...blood...

I breath the thought...not even the words...

"I don't like my blood Father...I want your blood..."

Transfuse me.

Sun and Moon play again...

"God I wanna let you know
I want everything you are
I'm waiting for the morning light to show
a fire in the dark."

I knew my Christianity would ebb and flow...change...I didn't realize how much I would...

I didn't realize that sometimes it would be...hard...a force to be reckoned with...this thing called life...
I wasn't prepared for the attacks...

"And if this is war
Then I'm gonna draw my sword
This time I know what I am fighting for..."

Time has told the tale...there is a reason the focal point of our faith is the cross...the messy...disparaging...flesh ripping cross...

How could I ever think that if the Savior that lost it all for me in such a messy, embarrassing, non-defended way could require anything less?

"If love is a choice
Then I need you to hear my voice
I'm the one knocking on your door making all this noise
Whatever it takes
I give it all away
I wanna show my love in a thousand ways."

Yet...somehow...through the constant transfusions...it is a life like no other...markedly different than those walking about with deep pallor and visible deficiencies...in need of the gelatinous blood type that only He donates...

Those transfused with His blood though at times weak from the ailment of humanity that they cannot avoid...seem...well...colored...peaceful...able to carry on...even joyful...

I speak it this time...if only a whisper...

"Transfuse me today...the humanity that runs through my veins has become so sludged...I don't want any blockages that keep my heart from beating for you...Transfuse you...medicate me with your word...remove the blockages...I'm the one...it's my voice...my thought voice making all this noise..whatever it takes...I give myself away..."

"Shine your light, I wanna feel you now
God I need a miracle
Take my heart, make it glow
Shine your light from the inside out
I wanna be more like you
If you are the sun, I wanna be the moon."

I press repeat...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

*Thanks to Phil Wickham for "Sun and Moon" not just today but all the days I lean into it...

Flip Your Single Parent Theology. You've got this.

My dear friend once said something that I've never forgotten...I was lamenting about the heartache in my children's lives due to the broken home...she said "Amanda, this will be Sydney's salvation. We live in a broken world. ALL children will have brokenness to deal with..." I have pondered that over the last few years. Prayed over it...read the statistics of the fatherless...spoken the word specifically over my girls...and I've come to some conclusions...

1. In our lives, single parenting is a gift and we will view it no other way. In my home, we discuss the pain as it arrives from not having a live-in father. But, we do not lament that we have any less of a life. We have each other. We are blessed. We don't live in Sudan as refugees. We aren't hungry. We are loved and sheltered. We DO NOT lament.
2. We have a Father: His name is Jesus. He is enough. When we cry, we go to Him. When we need answers, we go to Him. When we celebrate, we include Him. We are NOT fatherless. We are fathered by the almighty. He is MORE than enough.
3. We tell the truth. Always. Even when it hurts. I allow my children to spill their hearts out. Bleeding. Sometimes sinful, always human to me...Truth sets us free. It liberates. We tell the truth. Then we sort through it piece by piece.
4. We live grateful. We don't long for large homes. We don't long for material possessions. We live grateful. (Of course, long way to go here for all three. I admit there are some Vintage boots I lust after...I digress) This has incurred a deep sense of maturity within the girls that they are satisfied mostly with enough. They are conscious of high prices and do not ask for much. They are quick to give away money and possessions. This makes me happy.
5. We marvel. When we pull up to the bus stop, we marvel at the pink strewn sunny sky. When we see glorious old trees bent through the years, we exclaim "How beautiful!" Wonderment leads us outside of ourselves and into the realm of gratitude. Wonderment reminds us that beauty is all around and does not have to be purchased. Wonderment.
6. I allow my children to see me fail and I apologize. I'd love to say I never raise my voice, never get stressed, always appear as calm as the virgin Mary...yeah it doesn't happen that way. But when I catch myself caught in the stress of humanity and I unnecessarily find myself hard, unkind, ungentle...I apologize. I want my children to know that I am not perfect. Because I want them to know they don't have to be either. So. I say I failed. I say I'm sorry. Then I try to do better.
7. I involve others to nurture and speak into my children. They need more than me. I'm totally OK with this. I do not feel threatened in the slightest to allow others to show my girls different thoughts and ways of life. They need more than me. I'm grateful for any and all love they receive in this life. Life is tough. It takes a village.
8. I hold my children responsible. Just because they are from a single parent home does not mean they can grow up and be free loaders. I mean...I have plans ya know...they can't live with me till they die! I hold them accountable for their chores, their homework, their assigned responsibilities. If they are lax, I don't bail them out. Part of growing up is learning that we are responsible for our life's trajectory. Life is fun...but life also is work.
9. We are required to have fun. Always. I am a firm believer that childhood should be unencumbered by adult issues and problems. I have always tried to shield my kids from unnecessary stress and heartaches. I want them to be kids. I want them to play outside till they are 82.7. You get one childhood. I want theirs to last and I don't want them wearing booty shorts at 12 (or 40 for that matter). I want them to love being kids and not try to grow up too fast. Life is short enough. Have fun.
10. Yes. We are different. We will walk in our "differentness" and delight in the one who made us this way. I encourage individuality within each of my girls. If it's not hurting anyone, and they are merely expressing their God given uniqueness, I try to say yes. We've had pink hair streaks, black nails, mismatched clothing...the list goes on...They tried it, they got it out of their system, they know I support their individuality. This is extremely important to me. I want my children to be able to make the choice to live in the box or throw away the box. I'll love them either way.

I know that single parenting is one of the most intricate, tiring, thankless jobs in the world. But I truly believe it's one of the most rewarding. Every time I hold my baby girl and she tells me "I'd never want any other mom but you. You're the best..."I'm rewarded. Every time I have deep discussions with my oldest about literature...heart issues...and I see that she is becoming my friend not just my child..I'm rewarded.

If you are a single parent, flip your theology: Try seeing single parenthood as a gift.

Thank God for whatever it was that he might be saving you and your darlings from and keep trucking.

Cry on the hard days.

Marvel on the good ones.

But know: You ARE different. Different is good. You've got a lot going for you. I'm rooting for you. I'm praying for you. I'm with you. You've got an amazing Father in your corner. It will be worth it all. You're the creme de la creme. God's word shows He has a strong passion for the fatherless. He's rooting for you too. Keep truckin'. 

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Grafting of my soul tree...

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love....
For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want...
 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:13,17, 22-25 NIV

My mentor says I'm way too hard on myself. In some regards I am...yet there are other subconscious areas of my inner life that lay so deeply rooted within, I am not even aware they are present. These personalities go undetected. Voices that speak to my heart and out of my mouth before I realize that yes...those attributes are a part of me.

God has been shifting...sifting...me...
Showing me the deepest parts of my soul and makeup...
Attributes I was not ready and not even evolved enough to recognize until this season...
Until now, I believe He had so much to work through on the surface...on the immediate, obvious areas of my soul that these deeper pseudo soul aspects went unnoticed...
Now He sifts...

It's unnerving.
I find myself having major internal dialogues with God...all day...

He pricks me after certain thoughts.

He wrecks me after certain words.

It's immediate.

It's painful.

It's neccessary.

I find that He is teaching me basic elements of community. I'm relearning how to love others that are not like me. How to love others I don't like. How to love others and not JUDGE others. I didn't realize I was so judgemental. So dismissive. So rude.

There are times I hear myself and I am appalled...ashamed...repentant...

These days are the days I realize that Matt Chandler is right when he says "Holiness is constant confession and repentance..."

I'm confessing and repenting more these days than ever before...and not because my lifestyle has changed one iota...but because God is pushing harder...deeper...He wants more of me...

I want more of Him...

I didn't realize at 35 that I would be learning how to be "in" the "world" (whatever that means because we're all on the same playing field...sinners) and remain loyal to the fruits of the spirit within these friendships....
Love...
Joy...
Peace...
GENTLENESS...
LONGSUFFERING...
KINDNESS...

I sit in class and pray..."Father...I'm who I don't want to be...my responses when I'm tired...my responses when I'm irritated...my tone...Father...work on me..."

It's a constant sifting of the soul and the deepest elements of my raising and theologies...

He's grafting a new branch on my soul tree...Gentleness...

It does not come naturally to me...

I'm driven. I'm fun. I'm loyal. I'm a lover. But I'm not always gentle.

I'm brutally honest and have a way of blurting out truths...which I later realize are judgements...not gentle...

So I'm not "working" on this...I'm allowing, begging, confessing to, and releasing this area of my soul tree to God...

And ever so surely...day after day...restrained tongue after confession...He is chopping off that limb and grafting the limb of gentleness and love in it's place...

It will be a while before I'll be able to know that this new limb is a permanant fixture on my trunk.

It will be gradual...just like training for the marathon...

But this I know...it's in each confession...just like each sweat drenched run...that He is producing a desired outcome in me...not like works...no no...this is quite different...

Just like sweat (pardon the grossness) removes impurities and keeps my body in sync during the training until the ultimate event...Repentance, confession, and constant surrender removes the areas of my soul that need to be worked out...removed...replaced with stronger Christ attributes...

This is LOVE...Each soul confession drenches me in more love for Him...for "them"...because that is my initial motivation...

My love for Him...and IF I love Him...I become more like Him...

I cannot stay the same...stagnancy will rot my roots and I will lose my soul tree...

I must stretch towards the sky and the sunshine...I must allow the grafting to shape me into the beautiful soul oak He has planned for me...

Because others will need my shade one day...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Why I broke up with Facebook...

Well Hello Facebook...It's been awhile!

I've been on silence so I thought I would let you know why I dumped you.

You see, I saw that I was making you an idol in my life. I realized that I was finding the accolades I received from you so primary...and truth be told, your accolades are lovely but you never see the real me. You never see the parts that fall and are fallen. You only see the together picture that always looks so lovely behind the instagram lense changes...

I needed those accolades to be inconsequential. I needed to love my physical, real life. I needed to live in the now.

 After all, you are a fake. I like you...but you're fake.

You'll never really lead me to an authentic, fulfilling life because you are "veneer"...unreachable, untouchable. I can create whatever I want to be for the day and you will accept that from me...Never asking for community, authenticity, or discipline. You long for the veneered part of me and I'm sad to say...I'm just not that girl.

So...I left you.

I know you're wondering what I've been doing and who I've been hanging out with since I dumped you...
Please don't be heartbroken...I've been focusing on actual people that are physically present around me. I looked for exchanges in every day life with others that I might not have noticed had I been buried in your pages. I read more, and listened harder. I surrendered to stillness. I grew.

And I found someone...

He is the loveliest of the lovelies...
You cannot imagine the depths he goes to know me...
He woos me...
He sits in stillness with me requiring nothing in return...
He holds me at night when my defenses are down...
He knows my faults...
He wrote this amazing love letter to me that I have been so immersed in that I completely forgot about you...and the really cool thing is, He sees me in ways you never could...It's like..He already knew me.

When I read the letters He wrote to me, I find something different in each line that solidifies my truest self and I fall deeper and deeper in love...

I know this hurts dear FB, but you just aren't what I'm looking for in a relationship. I know you've done your best but you're shallow, prideful, arrogant at times, and downright naughty. You are so stingy with my time when I'm committed to you, and I'm just tired of your games. You and your friends in other parts of the techy world lend to veneers that promise big but deliver minute.

I need more.

You just don't have what it takes to satisfy my needs.

We can still be friends...and I will visit you for fun and giggles...but we won't be exclusive and I won't believe the hype you feed me about myself. It all goes back to my love...

You see, ANYTHING that pulls my affections...anything that monopolizes my time and numbs my life from real encounters with my love and His children...has to go. I've been minimizing distractions and focusing on what truly matters in the radical, eternal, lasting scheme of things...and you just don't make the cut. When I look over at my love and His children, all these distractions seem so cheap. So meaningless. So boring compared to living in the life I have with them...

Oh! I forgot to tell you His name...it's the loveliest...most beautiful name...

Jesus.

Doesn't it have the loveliest ring to it? Like angels singing?

When I whisper His name, I get all tingly inside and my heart leaps...you never did that for me.

When I think His name during my days, I'm calm. Fortified. Deeper somehow. Cares are inconsequential to me because he supplies all my needs.

It's quite perfect really...

In closing, thank you for what you tried to offer me. We tried to make a go of it, we really did. But in the end, I wasn't created for you. I was created for Jesus.

He's pretty much consumed every fiber of my being...I'm quite in love.

I'll see you around and we'll laugh and catch up...but I'll be busy with my relationship so you'll have to accept my sloppy seconds.

Grace n Peace,

A ~