It's dark in the car...I turn on the music and lean in...
If you are the sun
then I wanna be the moon
I wanna reflect the light that shines from you
And if this is war
Then I'm gonna draw my sword
This time I know what I am fighting for...
I become undone...not the messy, unstoppable undone...this is quiet...deep...impenatrable... I reflect on the blood I carried yesterday in my hands...eager to be transfused to a waiting body in need...gelatinous...life sustaining...blood...
I breath the thought...not even the words...
"I don't like my blood Father...I want your blood..."
Transfuse me.
Sun and Moon play again...
"God I wanna let you know
I want everything you are
I'm waiting for the morning light to show
a fire in the dark."
I knew my Christianity would ebb and flow...change...I didn't realize how much I would...
I didn't realize that sometimes it would be...hard...a force to be reckoned with...this thing called life...
I wasn't prepared for the attacks...
"And if this is war
Then I'm gonna draw my sword
This time I know what I am fighting for..."
Time has told the tale...there is a reason the focal point of our faith is the cross...the messy...disparaging...flesh ripping cross...
How could I ever think that if the Savior that lost it all for me in such a messy, embarrassing, non-defended way could require anything less?
"If love is a choice
Then I need you to hear my voice
I'm the one knocking on your door making all this noise
Whatever it takes
I give it all away
I wanna show my love in a thousand ways."
Yet...somehow...through the constant transfusions...it is a life like no other...markedly different than those walking about with deep pallor and visible deficiencies...in need of the gelatinous blood type that only He donates...
Those transfused with His blood though at times weak from the ailment of humanity that they cannot avoid...seem...well...colored...peaceful...able to carry on...even joyful...
I speak it this time...if only a whisper...
"Transfuse me today...the humanity that runs through my veins has become so sludged...I don't want any blockages that keep my heart from beating for you...Transfuse you...medicate me with your word...remove the blockages...I'm the one...it's my voice...my thought voice making all this noise..whatever it takes...I give myself away..."
"Shine your light, I wanna feel you now
God I need a miracle
Take my heart, make it glow
Shine your light from the inside out
I wanna be more like you
If you are the sun, I wanna be the moon."
I press repeat...
Grace n Peace,
A ~
*Thanks to Phil Wickham for "Sun and Moon" not just today but all the days I lean into it...
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Flip Your Single Parent Theology. You've got this.
My dear friend once said something that I've never forgotten...I was lamenting about the heartache in my children's lives due to the broken home...she said "Amanda, this will be Sydney's salvation. We live in a broken world. ALL children will have brokenness to deal with..." I have pondered that over the last few years. Prayed over it...read the statistics of the fatherless...spoken the word specifically over my girls...and I've come to some conclusions...
1. In our lives, single parenting is a gift and we will view it no other way. In my home, we discuss the pain as it arrives from not having a live-in father. But, we do not lament that we have any less of a life. We have each other. We are blessed. We don't live in Sudan as refugees. We aren't hungry. We are loved and sheltered. We DO NOT lament.
2. We have a Father: His name is Jesus. He is enough. When we cry, we go to Him. When we need answers, we go to Him. When we celebrate, we include Him. We are NOT fatherless. We are fathered by the almighty. He is MORE than enough.
3. We tell the truth. Always. Even when it hurts. I allow my children to spill their hearts out. Bleeding. Sometimes sinful, always human to me...Truth sets us free. It liberates. We tell the truth. Then we sort through it piece by piece.
4. We live grateful. We don't long for large homes. We don't long for material possessions. We live grateful. (Of course, long way to go here for all three. I admit there are some Vintage boots I lust after...I digress) This has incurred a deep sense of maturity within the girls that they are satisfied mostly with enough. They are conscious of high prices and do not ask for much. They are quick to give away money and possessions. This makes me happy.
5. We marvel. When we pull up to the bus stop, we marvel at the pink strewn sunny sky. When we see glorious old trees bent through the years, we exclaim "How beautiful!" Wonderment leads us outside of ourselves and into the realm of gratitude. Wonderment reminds us that beauty is all around and does not have to be purchased. Wonderment.
6. I allow my children to see me fail and I apologize. I'd love to say I never raise my voice, never get stressed, always appear as calm as the virgin Mary...yeah it doesn't happen that way. But when I catch myself caught in the stress of humanity and I unnecessarily find myself hard, unkind, ungentle...I apologize. I want my children to know that I am not perfect. Because I want them to know they don't have to be either. So. I say I failed. I say I'm sorry. Then I try to do better.
7. I involve others to nurture and speak into my children. They need more than me. I'm totally OK with this. I do not feel threatened in the slightest to allow others to show my girls different thoughts and ways of life. They need more than me. I'm grateful for any and all love they receive in this life. Life is tough. It takes a village.
8. I hold my children responsible. Just because they are from a single parent home does not mean they can grow up and be free loaders. I mean...I have plans ya know...they can't live with me till they die! I hold them accountable for their chores, their homework, their assigned responsibilities. If they are lax, I don't bail them out. Part of growing up is learning that we are responsible for our life's trajectory. Life is fun...but life also is work.
9. We are required to have fun. Always. I am a firm believer that childhood should be unencumbered by adult issues and problems. I have always tried to shield my kids from unnecessary stress and heartaches. I want them to be kids. I want them to play outside till they are 82.7. You get one childhood. I want theirs to last and I don't want them wearing booty shorts at 12 (or 40 for that matter). I want them to love being kids and not try to grow up too fast. Life is short enough. Have fun.
10. Yes. We are different. We will walk in our "differentness" and delight in the one who made us this way. I encourage individuality within each of my girls. If it's not hurting anyone, and they are merely expressing their God given uniqueness, I try to say yes. We've had pink hair streaks, black nails, mismatched clothing...the list goes on...They tried it, they got it out of their system, they know I support their individuality. This is extremely important to me. I want my children to be able to make the choice to live in the box or throw away the box. I'll love them either way.
I know that single parenting is one of the most intricate, tiring, thankless jobs in the world. But I truly believe it's one of the most rewarding. Every time I hold my baby girl and she tells me "I'd never want any other mom but you. You're the best..."I'm rewarded. Every time I have deep discussions with my oldest about literature...heart issues...and I see that she is becoming my friend not just my child..I'm rewarded.
If you are a single parent, flip your theology: Try seeing single parenthood as a gift.
Thank God for whatever it was that he might be saving you and your darlings from and keep trucking.
Cry on the hard days.
Marvel on the good ones.
But know: You ARE different. Different is good. You've got a lot going for you. I'm rooting for you. I'm praying for you. I'm with you. You've got an amazing Father in your corner. It will be worth it all. You're the creme de la creme. God's word shows He has a strong passion for the fatherless. He's rooting for you too. Keep truckin'.
Grace n Peace,
A ~
1. In our lives, single parenting is a gift and we will view it no other way. In my home, we discuss the pain as it arrives from not having a live-in father. But, we do not lament that we have any less of a life. We have each other. We are blessed. We don't live in Sudan as refugees. We aren't hungry. We are loved and sheltered. We DO NOT lament.
2. We have a Father: His name is Jesus. He is enough. When we cry, we go to Him. When we need answers, we go to Him. When we celebrate, we include Him. We are NOT fatherless. We are fathered by the almighty. He is MORE than enough.
3. We tell the truth. Always. Even when it hurts. I allow my children to spill their hearts out. Bleeding. Sometimes sinful, always human to me...Truth sets us free. It liberates. We tell the truth. Then we sort through it piece by piece.
4. We live grateful. We don't long for large homes. We don't long for material possessions. We live grateful. (Of course, long way to go here for all three. I admit there are some Vintage boots I lust after...I digress) This has incurred a deep sense of maturity within the girls that they are satisfied mostly with enough. They are conscious of high prices and do not ask for much. They are quick to give away money and possessions. This makes me happy.
5. We marvel. When we pull up to the bus stop, we marvel at the pink strewn sunny sky. When we see glorious old trees bent through the years, we exclaim "How beautiful!" Wonderment leads us outside of ourselves and into the realm of gratitude. Wonderment reminds us that beauty is all around and does not have to be purchased. Wonderment.
6. I allow my children to see me fail and I apologize. I'd love to say I never raise my voice, never get stressed, always appear as calm as the virgin Mary...yeah it doesn't happen that way. But when I catch myself caught in the stress of humanity and I unnecessarily find myself hard, unkind, ungentle...I apologize. I want my children to know that I am not perfect. Because I want them to know they don't have to be either. So. I say I failed. I say I'm sorry. Then I try to do better.
7. I involve others to nurture and speak into my children. They need more than me. I'm totally OK with this. I do not feel threatened in the slightest to allow others to show my girls different thoughts and ways of life. They need more than me. I'm grateful for any and all love they receive in this life. Life is tough. It takes a village.
8. I hold my children responsible. Just because they are from a single parent home does not mean they can grow up and be free loaders. I mean...I have plans ya know...they can't live with me till they die! I hold them accountable for their chores, their homework, their assigned responsibilities. If they are lax, I don't bail them out. Part of growing up is learning that we are responsible for our life's trajectory. Life is fun...but life also is work.
9. We are required to have fun. Always. I am a firm believer that childhood should be unencumbered by adult issues and problems. I have always tried to shield my kids from unnecessary stress and heartaches. I want them to be kids. I want them to play outside till they are 82.7. You get one childhood. I want theirs to last and I don't want them wearing booty shorts at 12 (or 40 for that matter). I want them to love being kids and not try to grow up too fast. Life is short enough. Have fun.
10. Yes. We are different. We will walk in our "differentness" and delight in the one who made us this way. I encourage individuality within each of my girls. If it's not hurting anyone, and they are merely expressing their God given uniqueness, I try to say yes. We've had pink hair streaks, black nails, mismatched clothing...the list goes on...They tried it, they got it out of their system, they know I support their individuality. This is extremely important to me. I want my children to be able to make the choice to live in the box or throw away the box. I'll love them either way.
I know that single parenting is one of the most intricate, tiring, thankless jobs in the world. But I truly believe it's one of the most rewarding. Every time I hold my baby girl and she tells me "I'd never want any other mom but you. You're the best..."I'm rewarded. Every time I have deep discussions with my oldest about literature...heart issues...and I see that she is becoming my friend not just my child..I'm rewarded.
If you are a single parent, flip your theology: Try seeing single parenthood as a gift.
Thank God for whatever it was that he might be saving you and your darlings from and keep trucking.
Cry on the hard days.
Marvel on the good ones.
But know: You ARE different. Different is good. You've got a lot going for you. I'm rooting for you. I'm praying for you. I'm with you. You've got an amazing Father in your corner. It will be worth it all. You're the creme de la creme. God's word shows He has a strong passion for the fatherless. He's rooting for you too. Keep truckin'.
Grace n Peace,
A ~
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Grafting of my soul tree...
"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love....
For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want...
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:13,17, 22-25 NIV
My mentor says I'm way too hard on myself. In some regards I am...yet there are other subconscious areas of my inner life that lay so deeply rooted within, I am not even aware they are present. These personalities go undetected. Voices that speak to my heart and out of my mouth before I realize that yes...those attributes are a part of me.
God has been shifting...sifting...me...
Showing me the deepest parts of my soul and makeup...
Attributes I was not ready and not even evolved enough to recognize until this season...
Until now, I believe He had so much to work through on the surface...on the immediate, obvious areas of my soul that these deeper pseudo soul aspects went unnoticed...
Now He sifts...
It's unnerving.
I find myself having major internal dialogues with God...all day...
He pricks me after certain thoughts.
He wrecks me after certain words.
It's immediate.
It's painful.
It's neccessary.
I find that He is teaching me basic elements of community. I'm relearning how to love others that are not like me. How to love others I don't like. How to love others and not JUDGE others. I didn't realize I was so judgemental. So dismissive. So rude.
There are times I hear myself and I am appalled...ashamed...repentant...
These days are the days I realize that Matt Chandler is right when he says "Holiness is constant confession and repentance..."
I'm confessing and repenting more these days than ever before...and not because my lifestyle has changed one iota...but because God is pushing harder...deeper...He wants more of me...
I want more of Him...
I didn't realize at 35 that I would be learning how to be "in" the "world" (whatever that means because we're all on the same playing field...sinners) and remain loyal to the fruits of the spirit within these friendships....
Love...
Joy...
Peace...
GENTLENESS...
LONGSUFFERING...
KINDNESS...
I sit in class and pray..."Father...I'm who I don't want to be...my responses when I'm tired...my responses when I'm irritated...my tone...Father...work on me..."
It's a constant sifting of the soul and the deepest elements of my raising and theologies...
He's grafting a new branch on my soul tree...Gentleness...
It does not come naturally to me...
I'm driven. I'm fun. I'm loyal. I'm a lover. But I'm not always gentle.
I'm brutally honest and have a way of blurting out truths...which I later realize are judgements...not gentle...
So I'm not "working" on this...I'm allowing, begging, confessing to, and releasing this area of my soul tree to God...
And ever so surely...day after day...restrained tongue after confession...He is chopping off that limb and grafting the limb of gentleness and love in it's place...
It will be a while before I'll be able to know that this new limb is a permanant fixture on my trunk.
It will be gradual...just like training for the marathon...
But this I know...it's in each confession...just like each sweat drenched run...that He is producing a desired outcome in me...not like works...no no...this is quite different...
Just like sweat (pardon the grossness) removes impurities and keeps my body in sync during the training until the ultimate event...Repentance, confession, and constant surrender removes the areas of my soul that need to be worked out...removed...replaced with stronger Christ attributes...
This is LOVE...Each soul confession drenches me in more love for Him...for "them"...because that is my initial motivation...
My love for Him...and IF I love Him...I become more like Him...
I cannot stay the same...stagnancy will rot my roots and I will lose my soul tree...
I must stretch towards the sky and the sunshine...I must allow the grafting to shape me into the beautiful soul oak He has planned for me...
Because others will need my shade one day...
Grace n Peace,
A ~
For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want...
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:13,17, 22-25 NIV
My mentor says I'm way too hard on myself. In some regards I am...yet there are other subconscious areas of my inner life that lay so deeply rooted within, I am not even aware they are present. These personalities go undetected. Voices that speak to my heart and out of my mouth before I realize that yes...those attributes are a part of me.
God has been shifting...sifting...me...
Showing me the deepest parts of my soul and makeup...
Attributes I was not ready and not even evolved enough to recognize until this season...
Until now, I believe He had so much to work through on the surface...on the immediate, obvious areas of my soul that these deeper pseudo soul aspects went unnoticed...
Now He sifts...
It's unnerving.
I find myself having major internal dialogues with God...all day...
He pricks me after certain thoughts.
He wrecks me after certain words.
It's immediate.
It's painful.
It's neccessary.
I find that He is teaching me basic elements of community. I'm relearning how to love others that are not like me. How to love others I don't like. How to love others and not JUDGE others. I didn't realize I was so judgemental. So dismissive. So rude.
There are times I hear myself and I am appalled...ashamed...repentant...
These days are the days I realize that Matt Chandler is right when he says "Holiness is constant confession and repentance..."
I'm confessing and repenting more these days than ever before...and not because my lifestyle has changed one iota...but because God is pushing harder...deeper...He wants more of me...
I want more of Him...
I didn't realize at 35 that I would be learning how to be "in" the "world" (whatever that means because we're all on the same playing field...sinners) and remain loyal to the fruits of the spirit within these friendships....
Love...
Joy...
Peace...
GENTLENESS...
LONGSUFFERING...
KINDNESS...
I sit in class and pray..."Father...I'm who I don't want to be...my responses when I'm tired...my responses when I'm irritated...my tone...Father...work on me..."
It's a constant sifting of the soul and the deepest elements of my raising and theologies...
He's grafting a new branch on my soul tree...Gentleness...
It does not come naturally to me...
I'm driven. I'm fun. I'm loyal. I'm a lover. But I'm not always gentle.
I'm brutally honest and have a way of blurting out truths...which I later realize are judgements...not gentle...
So I'm not "working" on this...I'm allowing, begging, confessing to, and releasing this area of my soul tree to God...
And ever so surely...day after day...restrained tongue after confession...He is chopping off that limb and grafting the limb of gentleness and love in it's place...
It will be a while before I'll be able to know that this new limb is a permanant fixture on my trunk.
It will be gradual...just like training for the marathon...
But this I know...it's in each confession...just like each sweat drenched run...that He is producing a desired outcome in me...not like works...no no...this is quite different...
Just like sweat (pardon the grossness) removes impurities and keeps my body in sync during the training until the ultimate event...Repentance, confession, and constant surrender removes the areas of my soul that need to be worked out...removed...replaced with stronger Christ attributes...
This is LOVE...Each soul confession drenches me in more love for Him...for "them"...because that is my initial motivation...
My love for Him...and IF I love Him...I become more like Him...
I cannot stay the same...stagnancy will rot my roots and I will lose my soul tree...
I must stretch towards the sky and the sunshine...I must allow the grafting to shape me into the beautiful soul oak He has planned for me...
Because others will need my shade one day...
Grace n Peace,
A ~
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Why I broke up with Facebook...
Well Hello Facebook...It's been awhile!
I've been on silence so I thought I would let you know why I dumped you.
You see, I saw that I was making you an idol in my life. I realized that I was finding the accolades I received from you so primary...and truth be told, your accolades are lovely but you never see the real me. You never see the parts that fall and are fallen. You only see the together picture that always looks so lovely behind the instagram lense changes...
I needed those accolades to be inconsequential. I needed to love my physical, real life. I needed to live in the now.
After all, you are a fake. I like you...but you're fake.
You'll never really lead me to an authentic, fulfilling life because you are "veneer"...unreachable, untouchable. I can create whatever I want to be for the day and you will accept that from me...Never asking for community, authenticity, or discipline. You long for the veneered part of me and I'm sad to say...I'm just not that girl.
So...I left you.
I know you're wondering what I've been doing and who I've been hanging out with since I dumped you...
Please don't be heartbroken...I've been focusing on actual people that are physically present around me. I looked for exchanges in every day life with others that I might not have noticed had I been buried in your pages. I read more, and listened harder. I surrendered to stillness. I grew.
And I found someone...
He is the loveliest of the lovelies...
You cannot imagine the depths he goes to know me...
He woos me...
He sits in stillness with me requiring nothing in return...
He holds me at night when my defenses are down...
He knows my faults...
He wrote this amazing love letter to me that I have been so immersed in that I completely forgot about you...and the really cool thing is, He sees me in ways you never could...It's like..He already knew me.
When I read the letters He wrote to me, I find something different in each line that solidifies my truest self and I fall deeper and deeper in love...
I know this hurts dear FB, but you just aren't what I'm looking for in a relationship. I know you've done your best but you're shallow, prideful, arrogant at times, and downright naughty. You are so stingy with my time when I'm committed to you, and I'm just tired of your games. You and your friends in other parts of the techy world lend to veneers that promise big but deliver minute.
I need more.
You just don't have what it takes to satisfy my needs.
We can still be friends...and I will visit you for fun and giggles...but we won't be exclusive and I won't believe the hype you feed me about myself. It all goes back to my love...
You see, ANYTHING that pulls my affections...anything that monopolizes my time and numbs my life from real encounters with my love and His children...has to go. I've been minimizing distractions and focusing on what truly matters in the radical, eternal, lasting scheme of things...and you just don't make the cut. When I look over at my love and His children, all these distractions seem so cheap. So meaningless. So boring compared to living in the life I have with them...
Oh! I forgot to tell you His name...it's the loveliest...most beautiful name...
Jesus.
Doesn't it have the loveliest ring to it? Like angels singing?
When I whisper His name, I get all tingly inside and my heart leaps...you never did that for me.
When I think His name during my days, I'm calm. Fortified. Deeper somehow. Cares are inconsequential to me because he supplies all my needs.
It's quite perfect really...
In closing, thank you for what you tried to offer me. We tried to make a go of it, we really did. But in the end, I wasn't created for you. I was created for Jesus.
He's pretty much consumed every fiber of my being...I'm quite in love.
I'll see you around and we'll laugh and catch up...but I'll be busy with my relationship so you'll have to accept my sloppy seconds.
Grace n Peace,
A ~
I've been on silence so I thought I would let you know why I dumped you.
You see, I saw that I was making you an idol in my life. I realized that I was finding the accolades I received from you so primary...and truth be told, your accolades are lovely but you never see the real me. You never see the parts that fall and are fallen. You only see the together picture that always looks so lovely behind the instagram lense changes...
I needed those accolades to be inconsequential. I needed to love my physical, real life. I needed to live in the now.
After all, you are a fake. I like you...but you're fake.
You'll never really lead me to an authentic, fulfilling life because you are "veneer"...unreachable, untouchable. I can create whatever I want to be for the day and you will accept that from me...Never asking for community, authenticity, or discipline. You long for the veneered part of me and I'm sad to say...I'm just not that girl.
So...I left you.
I know you're wondering what I've been doing and who I've been hanging out with since I dumped you...
Please don't be heartbroken...I've been focusing on actual people that are physically present around me. I looked for exchanges in every day life with others that I might not have noticed had I been buried in your pages. I read more, and listened harder. I surrendered to stillness. I grew.
And I found someone...
He is the loveliest of the lovelies...
You cannot imagine the depths he goes to know me...
He woos me...
He sits in stillness with me requiring nothing in return...
He holds me at night when my defenses are down...
He knows my faults...
He wrote this amazing love letter to me that I have been so immersed in that I completely forgot about you...and the really cool thing is, He sees me in ways you never could...It's like..He already knew me.
When I read the letters He wrote to me, I find something different in each line that solidifies my truest self and I fall deeper and deeper in love...
I know this hurts dear FB, but you just aren't what I'm looking for in a relationship. I know you've done your best but you're shallow, prideful, arrogant at times, and downright naughty. You are so stingy with my time when I'm committed to you, and I'm just tired of your games. You and your friends in other parts of the techy world lend to veneers that promise big but deliver minute.
I need more.
You just don't have what it takes to satisfy my needs.
We can still be friends...and I will visit you for fun and giggles...but we won't be exclusive and I won't believe the hype you feed me about myself. It all goes back to my love...
You see, ANYTHING that pulls my affections...anything that monopolizes my time and numbs my life from real encounters with my love and His children...has to go. I've been minimizing distractions and focusing on what truly matters in the radical, eternal, lasting scheme of things...and you just don't make the cut. When I look over at my love and His children, all these distractions seem so cheap. So meaningless. So boring compared to living in the life I have with them...
Oh! I forgot to tell you His name...it's the loveliest...most beautiful name...
Jesus.
Doesn't it have the loveliest ring to it? Like angels singing?
When I whisper His name, I get all tingly inside and my heart leaps...you never did that for me.
When I think His name during my days, I'm calm. Fortified. Deeper somehow. Cares are inconsequential to me because he supplies all my needs.
It's quite perfect really...
In closing, thank you for what you tried to offer me. We tried to make a go of it, we really did. But in the end, I wasn't created for you. I was created for Jesus.
He's pretty much consumed every fiber of my being...I'm quite in love.
I'll see you around and we'll laugh and catch up...but I'll be busy with my relationship so you'll have to accept my sloppy seconds.
Grace n Peace,
A ~
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Do you admit your "knowing"? (For lack of a more glamorous title)
I was nine the first time I remember feeling the distinct feeling that I was different...
It was a strange knowing...I knew I didn't fit the mold. It was unnerving but peaceful. I knew that I would never be like anyone else and there would be a price to pay for that...and there has been.
I watched the new movie "Brave" today with a rugged little redheaded heroine. I felt that feeling again...that distinct feeling again...It was as strong of a current as I've ever felt...Individuality that runs strong and straight...like an electrical pole through me that illuminates and tethers me to myself and my creator...
In Brave, the heroine questions "Am I willing to pay the price for my freedom?" I was wonderstruck. I knew in that dark theater that my resounding answer to the question has, and always will be, "YES!!"
Which led me to my next thought: Why have I squelched this knowing within myself? Why have I been ashamed to admit this feeling God placed deep within? Why do we equate ego with security within our birth right to individuality?
I mean, didn't God ignite that voice and current inside of us? Didn't He give me that knowing at 9 to carry me through the mistakes I would make at 28, 31, and 34? Wasn't that liquid courage He poured into my core a God given wonderment? I have to think so...
Then that leads me to this: Why should I be ashamed of that? Why should I feel like I'm bragging when I stand steeped in knowing who God created me to be? It's a bit asinine. Who am I to not walk in the beauty of who He created me to be? Who am I to question His expertise?
That whole lovely scripture we quote about Him knowing us in utero...we don't believe it. We dumb ourselves down. We play it off as humility; when it's really insecurity. We ALL have a knowing. Granted they might be different. While mine is electrical, yours might be very very quiet. While mine sings and screams, yours might be the most beautiful Celine song I've never heard. That's the cool part about God. He creates individuals.
And we...WE...
We must be brave enough to pay the price to be individuals. For if we don't, we've robbed the world of a gift.
Please don't rob me of that Celine song, my screaming ADD voice really needs some soothing after I've screamed out my love and peace all day. :-)
Grace n Peace,
A ~
It was a strange knowing...I knew I didn't fit the mold. It was unnerving but peaceful. I knew that I would never be like anyone else and there would be a price to pay for that...and there has been.
I watched the new movie "Brave" today with a rugged little redheaded heroine. I felt that feeling again...that distinct feeling again...It was as strong of a current as I've ever felt...Individuality that runs strong and straight...like an electrical pole through me that illuminates and tethers me to myself and my creator...
In Brave, the heroine questions "Am I willing to pay the price for my freedom?" I was wonderstruck. I knew in that dark theater that my resounding answer to the question has, and always will be, "YES!!"
Which led me to my next thought: Why have I squelched this knowing within myself? Why have I been ashamed to admit this feeling God placed deep within? Why do we equate ego with security within our birth right to individuality?
I mean, didn't God ignite that voice and current inside of us? Didn't He give me that knowing at 9 to carry me through the mistakes I would make at 28, 31, and 34? Wasn't that liquid courage He poured into my core a God given wonderment? I have to think so...
Then that leads me to this: Why should I be ashamed of that? Why should I feel like I'm bragging when I stand steeped in knowing who God created me to be? It's a bit asinine. Who am I to not walk in the beauty of who He created me to be? Who am I to question His expertise?
That whole lovely scripture we quote about Him knowing us in utero...we don't believe it. We dumb ourselves down. We play it off as humility; when it's really insecurity. We ALL have a knowing. Granted they might be different. While mine is electrical, yours might be very very quiet. While mine sings and screams, yours might be the most beautiful Celine song I've never heard. That's the cool part about God. He creates individuals.
And we...WE...
We must be brave enough to pay the price to be individuals. For if we don't, we've robbed the world of a gift.
Please don't rob me of that Celine song, my screaming ADD voice really needs some soothing after I've screamed out my love and peace all day. :-)
Grace n Peace,
A ~
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Trekking, Dust, and Wildness...
I'm a long time black and white, right the wrong kind of girl. I don't like victims. I hate those who blatantly use the weak and exploit them knowingly or unknowingly. Transparently, I want to kick their butts.
I'm learning though, that try as I might to do all the right things and help, some situations just don't want to budge and people don't want light on the darkness. Don't misunderstand, when I say "help", I mean walk uprightly, continue to do good in the face of evil, and turn the other cheek. I'm not a proponent for trying to control others and their ideologies or dysfunctions about life. All we can control is ourselves, our involvement, and our reactions. I digress.
I've been perplexed over a situation for quite some time. I've done all I could yet it doesn't seem to budge. I get angry. The injustice of it all fills my heart like a spiritual cigarette and I become clouded with the angst and pain of the situation. It's only natural. I'm OK with that. But it lingers. It hurts. I take the bundle of pain on my back time and again to the cross...to receive fresh socks and hiking boots for the trek up and across the terrain of the soul that I am meant to carry...
I am refreshed though matted and caked with dust and sweat from the endless journey.
This morning I breathed a heart prayer "Talk to me about THIS..."
Then I read:
Acts 13:50 But the Jewish leaders incited the God-fearing women of high standing and the leading men of the city. They stirred up persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them from their region. 51 So they shook the dust off their feet as a warning to them and went to Iconium. 52 And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.
There are some battles. Some hikes. Some situations. We WILL NOT FIX.
When it becomes clear to us that the battle is draining our reserves, draining our joy, draining our power in the spirit...it's time to shake the dust and move on.
What I love about this passage is that Paul and Barnabas didn't look back and weep, they didn't act like they had been victimized, they simply recognized the situation for what it was then moved on and forward with joy and the power of the Holy Spirit.
I felt so released at this powerful passage. There will always be treks we cannot abandon...we will have to hike them...sometimes all our lives...
BUT...we do not have to engage with the wild animals, snakes, or bugs on the trail...we shake the dust, we keep walking, and we don't look back. We treat our injuries. Then we walk in joy and the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the only way if we are to live free.
Because if we engage with the wildness of the trail and fall into the trap of trying to "fix" and "argue" our way through the terrain instead of walking...here is our warning of what will happen:
Proverbs 17:19 Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin;
whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.
We INVITE sin into our lives and onto our trail. We run the risk of building spiritual and emotional fortresses (gates) trying to keep the wildness out and instead we break our hearts and spirits down in the process. We are NOT MEANT TO QUARREL OR BUILD FORTRESSES.
We are meant to walk the trail in joy and power of the Holy Spirit. We do not have to engage with the wildness. Once the dangers of the trail become clear (sometimes this takes time and spiritual discernment) and we are certain this wildness is only out to attack...we walk on, shake the dust, and trek. WE ONLY STOP TO REFUEL ON THE WORD AND TAKE NOURISHMENT AND SUPPLIES FROM THE MASTER. There is NO OTHER REASON to stop and engage with wildness on the trail. We are called to love, not to engage with perpetual dangers to our soul. We must learn when to walk away.
Don't misunderstand, we are called to love everyone and strive to disciple in all situations. But when one has made their intentions clear, repeatedly, and those intentions are destroying your peace and your joy...you must gather your pack and walk.
We must become so attune to the spirit that we know when He is whispering "Shake the dust". Sometimes He does not whisper this for years, sometimes it happens at a first meeting. Nevertheless, if we are tuned in to His voice, we can know and move. There is no fear or trepidation. We simply walk forward on the trajectory He has called us towards with joy. Whew...how powerful is that?!!?
Grace N Peace,
A ~
I'm learning though, that try as I might to do all the right things and help, some situations just don't want to budge and people don't want light on the darkness. Don't misunderstand, when I say "help", I mean walk uprightly, continue to do good in the face of evil, and turn the other cheek. I'm not a proponent for trying to control others and their ideologies or dysfunctions about life. All we can control is ourselves, our involvement, and our reactions. I digress.
I've been perplexed over a situation for quite some time. I've done all I could yet it doesn't seem to budge. I get angry. The injustice of it all fills my heart like a spiritual cigarette and I become clouded with the angst and pain of the situation. It's only natural. I'm OK with that. But it lingers. It hurts. I take the bundle of pain on my back time and again to the cross...to receive fresh socks and hiking boots for the trek up and across the terrain of the soul that I am meant to carry...
I am refreshed though matted and caked with dust and sweat from the endless journey.
This morning I breathed a heart prayer "Talk to me about THIS..."
Then I read:
Acts 13:50 But the Jewish leaders incited the God-fearing women of high standing and the leading men of the city. They stirred up persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them from their region. 51 So they shook the dust off their feet as a warning to them and went to Iconium. 52 And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.
There are some battles. Some hikes. Some situations. We WILL NOT FIX.
When it becomes clear to us that the battle is draining our reserves, draining our joy, draining our power in the spirit...it's time to shake the dust and move on.
What I love about this passage is that Paul and Barnabas didn't look back and weep, they didn't act like they had been victimized, they simply recognized the situation for what it was then moved on and forward with joy and the power of the Holy Spirit.
I felt so released at this powerful passage. There will always be treks we cannot abandon...we will have to hike them...sometimes all our lives...
BUT...we do not have to engage with the wild animals, snakes, or bugs on the trail...we shake the dust, we keep walking, and we don't look back. We treat our injuries. Then we walk in joy and the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the only way if we are to live free.
Because if we engage with the wildness of the trail and fall into the trap of trying to "fix" and "argue" our way through the terrain instead of walking...here is our warning of what will happen:
Proverbs 17:19 Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin;
whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.
We INVITE sin into our lives and onto our trail. We run the risk of building spiritual and emotional fortresses (gates) trying to keep the wildness out and instead we break our hearts and spirits down in the process. We are NOT MEANT TO QUARREL OR BUILD FORTRESSES.
We are meant to walk the trail in joy and power of the Holy Spirit. We do not have to engage with the wildness. Once the dangers of the trail become clear (sometimes this takes time and spiritual discernment) and we are certain this wildness is only out to attack...we walk on, shake the dust, and trek. WE ONLY STOP TO REFUEL ON THE WORD AND TAKE NOURISHMENT AND SUPPLIES FROM THE MASTER. There is NO OTHER REASON to stop and engage with wildness on the trail. We are called to love, not to engage with perpetual dangers to our soul. We must learn when to walk away.
Don't misunderstand, we are called to love everyone and strive to disciple in all situations. But when one has made their intentions clear, repeatedly, and those intentions are destroying your peace and your joy...you must gather your pack and walk.
We must become so attune to the spirit that we know when He is whispering "Shake the dust". Sometimes He does not whisper this for years, sometimes it happens at a first meeting. Nevertheless, if we are tuned in to His voice, we can know and move. There is no fear or trepidation. We simply walk forward on the trajectory He has called us towards with joy. Whew...how powerful is that?!!?
Grace N Peace,
A ~
Sunday, June 3, 2012
disjointed ode to grace
diving between responsibilities...I am left with very little to show for my side of our relationship.
I catch up on the daily reading that I miss through the week. whisper a prayer on the ride to work, and hope it's enough...but it doesn't feel like it is. I sit with this feeling and the dryness of the moment. I realize this is it. this is when I need grace. not when I have days off and get to attend church and stand high on the mountain of faith. no. this. this period is where I falteringly need grace.
I look into the very real possibility that the next six months of my life I will not be able to attend community on Sunday. I will not have corporate worship. I whisper a heart prayer and repent in advance for the dryness I feel coming. a whisper returns. grace. little. small. yielding. grace.
bigger than my inability to attend a gathering. quieter than the roar of my thoughts. grace. it will have to be enough. it will have to be. Enough.
then it hits me. My prayers! "God help me to live with 'enough'". little did I know. enough.
grace will have to be enough this year. I will have to trust that I can be loved by him when I cannot do physical works. I will have to trust that my God is with me...even when I cannot grace what I have seen to be his physical dwelling place. because after all...am I not his physical dwelling place. and after all...is HE not enough to sustain me in the midst of responsibility? grace.
like a raging water that washes over my raging thoughts and sins that I feel ashamed of and try my very very best to not replicate day after...
isn't that the point again? trying. I'll try all day, all year long and I'll never be good enough...because it's not in the trying...it's the releasing...it's in the trusting...it's in the submission...it's in the giving up of the disjointedness of my life and my will and releasing my humanity to someone bigger than me...God...
grace.
heavenly grace.
it appears in the form of pink clouds fluffed and willowy...and I think to myself..."who am I?"
that you. you. God of majesty and grace. you are mindful of me: a constant dweller of deservement of more in the face of your supreme goodness.
me: a constant "I will accomplish more." instead of "I will pursue you." more.
Alpha.
Omega.
beginning and ending of me. Oh graceful one.
how I love thee.
how I delight when in the moment of sleepless agony. tortured mind that I sometimes become...when you whisper into my heart...brief...small...but spoken nonetheless...
how I find peace in the structure of your word.
how low I feel when stripped bare before you.
oh graceful, good one. let me approach you once more.
may I climb into your presence?
may I curl at your feet?
may I lay down the strength I must carry day after day and just be yours?
forever faithful. friend. I do not ever deserve such glorious displays of love...yet you paint my world again.
Father. forgive me. humanity consumed and burned like a flaming fire in the night. I am yours. again. broken to be molded. humbled to be helped. cracked to be created. I'm thine. grace.
Grace n peace,
A ~
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