Trekking, Dust, and Wildness...

I'm a long time black and white, right the wrong kind of girl. I don't like victims. I hate those who blatantly use the weak and exploit them knowingly or unknowingly. Transparently, I want to kick their butts.

I'm learning though, that try as I might to do all the right things and help, some situations just don't want to budge and people don't want light on the darkness. Don't misunderstand, when I say "help", I mean walk uprightly, continue to do good in the face of evil, and turn the other cheek. I'm not a proponent for trying to control others and their ideologies or dysfunctions about life. All we can control is ourselves, our involvement, and our reactions. I digress.

I've been perplexed over a situation for quite some time. I've done all I could yet it doesn't seem to budge. I get angry. The injustice of it all fills my heart like a spiritual cigarette and I become clouded with the angst and pain of the situation. It's only natural. I'm OK with that. But it lingers. It hurts. I take the bundle of pain on my back time and again to the cross...to receive fresh socks and hiking boots for the trek up and across the terrain of the soul that I am meant to carry...

I am refreshed though matted and caked with dust and sweat from the endless journey.

This morning I breathed a heart prayer "Talk to me about THIS..."

Then I read:

Acts 13:50 But the Jewish leaders incited the God-fearing women of high standing and the leading men of the city. They stirred up persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them from their region. 51 So they shook the dust off their feet as a warning to them and went to Iconium. 52 And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.


There are some battles. Some hikes. Some situations. We WILL NOT FIX.


When it becomes clear to us that the battle is draining our reserves, draining our joy, draining our power in the spirit...it's time to shake the dust and move on.

What I love about this passage is that Paul and Barnabas didn't look back and weep, they didn't act like they had been victimized, they simply recognized the situation for what it was then moved on and forward with joy and the power of the Holy Spirit.

I felt so released at this powerful passage. There will always be treks we cannot abandon...we will have to hike them...sometimes all our lives...

BUT...we do not have to engage with the wild animals, snakes, or bugs on the trail...we shake the dust, we keep walking, and we don't look back. We treat our injuries. Then we walk in joy and the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the only way if we are to live free. 

Because if we engage with the wildness of the trail and fall into the trap of trying to "fix" and "argue" our way through the terrain instead of walking...here is our warning of what will happen:


Proverbs 17:19 Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin;
    whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.


We INVITE sin into our lives and onto our trail. We run the risk of building spiritual and emotional fortresses (gates) trying to keep the wildness out and instead we break our hearts and spirits down in the process. We are NOT MEANT TO QUARREL OR BUILD FORTRESSES.


We are meant to walk the trail in joy and power of the Holy Spirit. We do not have to engage with the wildness. Once the dangers of the trail become clear (sometimes this takes time and spiritual discernment) and we are certain this wildness is only out to attack...we walk on, shake the dust, and trek. WE ONLY STOP TO REFUEL ON THE WORD AND TAKE NOURISHMENT AND SUPPLIES FROM THE MASTER. There is NO OTHER REASON to stop and engage with wildness on the trail. We are called to love, not to engage with perpetual dangers to our soul. We must learn when to walk away. 


Don't misunderstand, we are called to love everyone and strive to disciple in all situations. But when one has made their intentions clear, repeatedly, and those intentions are destroying your peace and your joy...you must gather your pack and walk.

We must become so attune to the spirit that we know when He is whispering "Shake the dust". Sometimes He does not whisper this for years, sometimes it happens at a first meeting. Nevertheless, if we are tuned in to His voice, we can know and move. There is no fear or trepidation. We simply walk forward on the trajectory He has called us towards with joy. Whew...how powerful is that?!!?

Grace N Peace,

A ~

disjointed ode to grace

I find grace hard to accept...especially when my works are so very very low.
diving between responsibilities...I am left with very little to show for my side of our relationship.
I catch up on the daily reading that I miss through the week. whisper a prayer on the ride to work, and hope it's enough...but it doesn't feel like it is. I sit with this feeling and the dryness of the moment. I realize this is it. this is when I need grace. not when I have days off and get to attend church and stand high on the mountain of faith. no. this. this period is where I falteringly need grace.
I look into the very real possibility that the next six months of my life I will not be able to attend community on Sunday. I will not have corporate worship. I whisper a heart prayer and repent in advance for the dryness I feel coming. a whisper returns. grace. little. small. yielding. grace.
bigger than my inability to attend a gathering. quieter than the roar of my thoughts. grace. it will have to be enough. it will have to be. Enough.
then it hits me. My prayers! "God help me to live with 'enough'". little did I know. enough.
grace will have to be enough this year. I will have to trust that I can be loved by him when I cannot do physical works. I will have to trust that my God is with me...even when I cannot grace what I have seen to be his physical dwelling place. because after all...am I not his physical dwelling place. and after all...is HE not enough to sustain me in the midst of responsibility? grace.
like a raging water that washes over my raging thoughts and sins that I feel ashamed of and try my very very best to not replicate day after...
isn't that the point again? trying. I'll try all day, all year long and I'll never be good enough...because it's not in the trying...it's the releasing...it's in the trusting...it's in the submission...it's in the giving up of the disjointedness of my life and my will and releasing my humanity to someone bigger than me...God...
grace.
heavenly grace.
it appears in the form of pink clouds fluffed and willowy...and I think to myself..."who am I?"
that you. you. God of majesty and grace. you are mindful of me: a constant dweller of deservement of more in the face of your supreme goodness.
me: a constant "I will accomplish more." instead of "I will pursue you." more.
Alpha.
Omega.
beginning and ending of me. Oh graceful one.
how I love thee.
how I delight when in the moment of sleepless agony. tortured mind that I sometimes become...when you whisper into my heart...brief...small...but spoken nonetheless...
how I find peace in the structure of your word.
how low I feel when stripped bare before you.
oh graceful, good one. let me approach you once more.
may I climb into your presence?
may I curl at your feet?
may I lay down the strength I must carry day after day and just be yours?
forever faithful. friend. I do not ever deserve such glorious displays of love...yet you paint my world again.
Father. forgive me. humanity consumed and burned like a flaming fire in the night. I am yours. again. broken to be molded. humbled to be helped. cracked to be created. I'm thine. grace.


Grace n peace,

A ~

Soul Soil...Boats...and Hydrangeas

I think I've been hiding from my blog because I'm well...hiding.

I don't ever like to portray anything less than bubbly and fun and "overcoming"...yet the last year has had moments of anything but these sentiments...

Yet...I'm not lost or overcome. I'm...rooted but not jubilant.

It's a new emotion and space for me.

I'm the life of the party.

I'm the one who dances and sings Happy Birthday via Marilyn Monroe...

I help stabilize others...not myself.

Yet here I find myself. Spreading deep into the soil of my soul for roots...

Admittedly, in the last 2 months I've struggled to stay on top of it all. It's been lonely, boring, busy, and tedious at best. Yet, I'm not lost or overcome. Weird.

When younger and less experienced, I had a tendency in these moments to flip out. To quit and look for other venues. To run.

Now I find that this space...this place of rooting and growth and patience...is teaching me self-discipline on a different level. Staying power.

I've realized that I cannot panic anymore about where I'm headed...this is the ultimate trust in the process of God. The ultimate trust in who He has created me to be. The ultimate trust that He truly holds my world.

But it's so dang boring. So lonely. So...just SO.

I have not had moments where I wanted to quit. I don't feel like running. I do have moments where I want more community. I have moments where I want my own home again. I want to grocery shop for my own pantry. I want more than 27.00 in my bank account. I want I want I want...hmm....maybe that's the point.

He keeps leading me beside the still waters...and I keep looking for a boat with a motor...

He keeps letting all my belongings be stolen from my storage unit....

He keeps letting me make less now than I have since high school...

He keeps letting me be dependent on others for help...

He keeps letting me fall in the soil of my soul over and over and over...

Still waters...

Pretty sure that's the point...still waters...I'll never grow and bloom fruit or hydrangeas in my soul soil if I keep running...If I quit...If I don't stick with the process....

Still waters...

Pretty sure my soul soil is planted beside the still waters...and that is why every time I find a boat with a motor and sail off...I sail away from myself...from my God...from my purpose...and from the soil where I'll really grow my life's purpose...

Still waters....they just aren't as exciting some times as the boat with the motor...but they are incredibly fulfilling in the end when you're sitting on the shore and looking at the blooms....eating fruit from your soul soil and peaceful...

I think I get it...

Grace and Peace,

A ~

I. REALLY. DON'T. CARE.

It's been a while since I've had time to strike these keys with any thoughts outside of school...

Even now I struggle to UN-crowd my brain and focus on a single thought for a blog.  Mother's Day is tomorrow and I've celebrated a day early with my Luvs. Libraries...movies...and presence are what we've experienced today.

I run so hard and furiously at this point in life that I often miss moments...I miss little details and I'm a details girl. My mantra has been "It's only a season." And it is.

My thoughts today turned again to a familiar feeling...I sent out a tweet and thought to myself..."You sent out three tweets and several instagram photos today...You are going to look so pathetic and that you had absolutely nothing to do today."I pondered this familiar thought and dissected it...and came to a conclusion:

I. Really. Don't. Care.

I was the girl who had fake nails. I went to all events. My highlights were perfect and so was my derriere. (Or so they said) When I became single again, I feared being boring (to those of you who truly know me...yes I realize...very far stretch). I worried furiously that I would appear to be "just" a single mom and NOT a beautiful, passionate woman with a future.

It never occurred to me that I could be all three. And love it.

I have many friends that are in their 20's. Somehow, I fit right in their circles and we connect on fun levels as well as deep. Yet, at the end of the day, my 35 year old soul peeks through in situations like... weekends. While they are packed with fun and friends, I typically work and squeeze as much of my babies in as I can before I crash into bed. Guess what?

I. Really. Don't. Care.

I don't feel slighted. I don't feel ashamed. Neither do they! They shouldn't. I've come to realize that our age and activities do not determine our friendships. We have vastly different lifestyles yet we all love each other and bring joy and determination to one another.

Back to the tweets today, I decided that me worrying if someone thinks I'm bored today or not exciting enough...well...that's their issue. I love my life. I'm far from bored and I'm engaged fully.  My days are flying on by and my oldest Luv is turning into a woman before my eyes...

I'm much more excited, nervous, scared, joyful, and emotional about THAT fact than I am if I come across as a single mom without an active dating/social life...

I. Really. Don't. Care.

There will be time for my lists...and believe me...I'll mark them off. (If you know me you know this too...) I'll date a myriad of men here and there I'm ever so sure...I'll run that marathon...hike that mountain...tat that foot (sorry mom)...and love my God endlessly....All things in their own time...

I'm not pressured anymore to "appear" any which way. I'm pressured to raise God adoring, Them-self loving, World-Loving, Activist Little Women. I'm pressured to leave every place I visit better than when I came. I'm pressured to make one difference each day one at a time. I'm pressured and drawn to God. That simply.

In the meantime, I'll continue tweeting away...Because if you really know me...you know I'm a SUPA connector...3D (Chrys)...Idea populated...overstimulated...personality and I don't intend to not love myself. JUST. LIKE. THIS.

It's probably why I talk to every ex-husband, ex-date, ex-anything...relationships enrich and delve us deeper into our truest Christ given nature...even the painful ones. I feel no reason to abide by societal rules that have broken down our communications because of pride. So I live. I love. I hurt. I get hurt. I appear boring. I appear over the top. It ALL depends on which day ya catch me. And guess what?

I. Really. Don't. Care.

Once I encountered myself in the true, forgiving, accepting love of the Master...repeatedly...I realized the limitations of power, acceptance, societal norms and abnorms...fall away for me...

I am blurred by tears as I type this line for it's THAT real...THAT assuring to me...this Master love where all my idols that compete fall short and crumble...It's the real deal and I no longer need to BE anything than His...redundant and trite I know...but OH. SO. TRUE.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

I apologized to God...

I apologized to God. I did not "repent".

I apologized.

I realized after I said "God I want to apologize to you..."

That I indeed apologized to God...

It's been the week from hell. I've slipped more than I've trekked. I've cursed more than I've blessed. I've retreated more than I've advanced.

An apology to my lover was in order...

I've ignored him. Not on purpose. In obligations.

So...I apologized. It was a pivotal moment in my relationship with my Lover God.

As soon as the whisper escaped my lips into the darkness, I smiled. Because within my failings and flounderings this week, I realize in this moment how reliant I am on Him and how cool our "relationship" has become...

I no longer think of Him as unreachable...untouchable...I talk to him. I breathe words in my bed late at night. I confide in him with my insecurities...my prides...my accomplishments...my terrible failings...

This is good. This is pure. This is REAL.

I NEED real.

I crave real.

So...onward i crawl through the busiest year of my life...apologizing, loving, knowing and falling with my God...realizing that THIS...THIS is the point of it all...REAL life with a Savior that I do not hide from...that I do not run from like the past when I show the butt of my humanity...no...I whisper to him in the shower...in the dark bed at night...in the bathroom stall at school...

and I apologize...and He forgives me...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Grace. I get it.

I am quite the road thinker.
Random thoughts.
Musings.
All the ponderings that tend to bubble under the surface rise on the commutes...
No business to tie them down...

"I can't get it all done." Randomly pops into my thoughts almost without me recognizing it consciously...

"No. But I can." He speaks.

I am immediately smitten with Love. Again.

For the first time I am inhabited by the realization of true Grace...
No longer am I caged to obey out of fearful pain...
I long to commune with Him because He is so beautiful...because even as I miss my dates with Him...I realize this is what He meant for me...

Grace...His perfection in love...in provision...in relationship...this is the point.
It really is true.
As I fall harder for this lover of the second chance...champion for the underdog...
I cannot stand the thought of not hearing His voice...it wrecks me...
I'm undone without it...

I'm reminded that I am minute and He is ALL.
I can't get it done. But He can.
I don't have to feel condemned about that fact. Because this...this is Grace. Real Life Grace.
His voice in the dark is what makes me want to be better...to know Him...to thrive...Not the rules or legal versions of how to make it...my affair with a perfect lover is what urges me onward towards holy days and nights...not rule keeping.

I get it. Grace.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Bits of Beautiful.

I feel as my body is slowed by physical weights to tiring to lift...
Eyes blurry I drive in the dark...
I am entering my 4th 12 hour shift in a row and my body screams "Stop!"...
I drive on...

His Word pours through my speakers and I do my best to soak it in...
While hazy, I drive over the river bridge...my favorite...
Only a few weeks ago He spoke to me on this bridge...
It was a hard day...I was in gratefulness...spoken...when He breathed "I will always provide you with beauty"...

I am reminded of this promise as I drive hard in the dark.

"I will always provide you with beauty."

Stairs are climbed and I say my hellos as I settle in to the shift...
I down caffeine and try my best to seem chipper though I feel weighted...
Then I see it...
A Bit of Beauty...

I stand looking out the solarium drinking water from Styrofoam and I see it...
Beauty...
It strikes me...His promise.
Today.
His promise.
In this life moment of wrecked tired and humbled heart...Beauty.
Sky pink and birds flying in a sequential pattern...Beauty.

"I will ALWAYS give you beauty."


I place cup down. Say grateful whispers then grab my phone...
Bits of beauty...I get it Lord...
You give me beauty...in bits sometimes...in grand landscapes in others...
You keep your promises.

I am peaceful in the bits.

Bits of beautiful is His way of reminding me..."You are mine. You are special enough for pink skies and birds. I am with you. Though you must suffer and trek on...I. Am. With. You. In every sunrise...In every flying sparrow...In every friend...In every baby girl kiss...In every revelation...I. Am. With. You."

Bits of Beautiful.

Grace n Peace,

A ~