I remember as girl absolutely LOATHING my pale skin...I felt like I was the odd man out all the time with my tan friends.
I was a redhead and felt myself to be not very pretty in comparison to the others. I was not a typical beauty nor fit with my flaming hair and zealous personality.
I think I learned early on to overcompensate with independence and "I don't need you"...(of course independence is also inherent in redheads ;-) )
As I've grown into myself, birthed two babies, suffered setbacks, lost weight, gained weight, highlighted, blown out hair, fake fingernails, no fingernails, Chanel makeup, Maybelline makeup, Anthropologie to thrift stores, Diamonds to plastic bangles...
I've fallen into one thing: Myself.
I have always been afraid to compliment myself. Afraid to believe in the good things I could and would accomplish as I didn't want to set myself up for heartache when I failed. Confidence equalled pride in my twisted, insecure mind and heart.
As I've progressed in my journey, I've learned that there are some things I'm really good at and there are some things I just can't ever get right. I've learned that preparation can produce excellence. I've learned that I possess some things that can make the world a better place. I've learned I'm a nurturer and not the angry girl I portrayed out of insecurity.
I am not good. I am a sinner. I'm a wreck tossed in the ocean of God. But I'm confident. I'm confident in HIM. God is teaching me that it's OK to feel good about me. To like me. To accept me. To not allow other opinions to shape me. ONE opinion shapes me, my views, my decisions, my world...HIS.
I'm reminded of this every day as I look on the ink stained into my wrist. HIS.
I belong to Him.
It enables me to accept that I'm not a stepchild. That my pale skin is cool and my wrinkles are earned. It enables to me to wear Chanel or no makeup. "His"means I'm beautiful as myself. Skinny. Fat. Stilettos. Toms. Jeans. Couture. Diamonds or Plastic.
I'm beautiful. I'm enough. I don't have to worry if this is pride. I've got enough body image, smart image, magazine model trying to measure up issues to keep my pride in check. No...this is God-esteem. I'm HIS. I'm beautiful.
Being HIS, also propels me to not be a sideline fan but a follower. To live fully engaged in His spirit and to strive for the spirit to be my motivation...my solidification...my counsel...and my company...
I'm not there...I've got a long way to go...I'm way too comfortable...I don't give enough back yet...
But I'm CONFIDENT...He has begun a good work...if I stay in relationship...If I engage...If I listen...He will COMPLETE it...
Grace n Peace,
A ~
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