Sometimes I just don't do it right.

I'm grappling...


Out of nowhere it seems, I've been doused in humanity. I've had a weird, splaying 3 weeks. 


That's all I can say about it. Events unfolded and my humanity unfolded. 


I have been smacked with my own selfish agendas, thought patterns, hatred, lack of trust, and fear. 


My plans have been shot to hell.  My spreadsheets with dates, black and white and definitive...now seem very empty and waiting to be filled.


By someone else. I don't have the password to unlock the worksheet. 


It makes me angry. It makes me tired. It makes me terse.


But those emotions do not change the fact that I'm not the controller of the spreadsheet of my life. 


I'm allowed to view it. I'm allowed to follow the spreadsheet out. I'm allowed to ask questions. 


I'm not allowed to contribute the lines though. I'm secondary.


I'll be honest...I'm not doing good with this setup. I'm struggling through days.


I'm sickened some days by what I find within my own chambers...abilities to fall, abilities to hurt others, abilities to be led by flesh; pride, lust, failure, contempt, hatred, fallacy, pharisee...it's sickening...


At every emerging chapter of my life, I think I've mastered the God thing....I've mastered the learning curve...I've mastered trust...I've mastered humility...


Then I open the next chapter...


I'm quite wrong. 


Debasement. I find it key in my journey. It might not be in yours.


But apparently I think pretty highly of myself and my ideas...my plans...


So God keeps coming in and re-cleaning the chambers...He takes away my access to the spreadsheet...


He shields the plans from me...because I've shown I'm not advanced enough yet to work the next step...


But the beauty of the crappy moment...is that He doesn't fire me. He doesn't usher me out of the room and write me up...


He ushers me to a chair on the other side of the desk...sits patiently and listens as I explain my heart, failures, thoughts...then He says...


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


I breathe easy again...relax into my chair and realize...He knows what is best...


He takes away control of the sheet for my good...He knows my strengths...He knows my weaknesses...He knows where I am in the process...


He navigates the days as I'm ready...He refines my character and heart...Grace.


When I'm operating in flesh...Grace.


When I'm operating in spirit...Grace.


He knows my days. He knows my path. He knows my spreadsheet.


And the reality is...sometimes I don't get to...


So onward I trust...


Grace n Peace,


A ~