I'm just a dumb sheep...

Tears fall fresh and hot against my cheeks as I grip the steering wheel...

She whispers..."I know. I know."

I say in the heat "I just have nothing left to lose."

Then as quickly as I say these horrible words, I try to suck them back in...

Breathing repentant breaths for the mere thought that all is lost...

It is not. It is far from lost. I still have what is most dear.

But I feel so...helpless...so finite...

We search together trying to make the pieces of yet another puzzle fit...then we open to Grace...

We open to God and trust...

We leave the line with no more answers than which we came in this mess of a world and it's requirements to living...

Yet we leave filled...

Satisfied that HE IS...

I weep transparent to my confidant...weep over anguished dreams and unrealized hurts...

She consoles...breathes back life into my soul...holds me steady...

We trust together...

We are the body...

I arrive in the driveway of a home that I live in but cannot call my own...I am struck again by the sense of loss...

I sit on the easy couch and muse the options...again...

I cannot make any one option fit...

Are you making me fluid God? Are you closing doors with a plan? I know the answers...

They are forever "Yes"....

I whisper it again...the sentence that unravels me...sets me free in one easy swoop...

"I. Surrender."


Peace comes fleetingly....emotions continue to run high and rampant...but as I lean into this season of decisions and acceptance...I realize maybe...quite maybe...this is His point...

No clear direction. Blind Faith.

Pure attachment, devotion, and dependence upon a Lover that never fails...

I think back to her words "Maybe that's it Amanda. Because after all, He doesn't care about our educations. He doesn't care about our plans. He cares about the issues of our souls."

Yes. I think so.

I am following. I am the dumb sheep. I don't know how to find my way through the valley spare the Shepherd.

He only gives me enough for today: Don't. Go. That. Way.


Tomorrow He will provide the direction for that day.

Emotions don't follow the decision. Yet I know He is near.

As the shepherd sits under the Cyprus and sings to the sheep...So I feel Him singing over me...shading me...

I lie down in green pastures...He restores my soul...

Grace n Peace,

A ~