Quietness and Confidence...

"For thus says the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall you be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: but you would not." Isaiah 30:15 The call came in...I was astounded...heartbroken...simmering...appalled... Outcomes were incomprehensible... Broken, angry, and in need of justice I took a moment...stood in the bathroom at work and spoke to Him... Surrendered...again...this situation has been surrendered over and over for quite some time...yet here I stood again...cold tile...sterile environment of the hospital matching the sterile black and white feeling of injustice and the need for an ethical resolution... So...I surrendered...for I've learned that surrender is the only way...the only way to empty myself of longings that although ethical and justified impair my judgements and sensibilities to act as a Christ follower...longings to lash against the blackness of the evil imparted...longings to cave and feel victimized... I spoke words of worship in my soul throughout the day...replaced anger with praise...begged for purity within while shuffling patients through the system and answering call lights... Then it came...He came...in the form of a tweet...Isaiah the prophet...words from old ring true to my soul..."In quietness and trust is your strength..." Riveted...heart and head spun...I stopped....wrote the verse on an index card to remind...and marinated in the truth of this... I had no need to defend...I had no need to impart justice...I stood secure...In my Savior that imparts my justice, needs, and favor through His love and unmerited grace...I am HIS. Since that day...I've lived again surrendered in this situation...aware of the solid backing of truth...no words or justice need to be imparted by me...I am not victimized..I am free...I am whole...I live in quietness and trust...blind faith really... Because. He. IS.  That. Is. Enough. I need nothing more than my Savior. I possess no need to create justice for myself. He is the ultimate justice of the surrendered. Grace n Peace, A ~

And We Walked...

Today I walked with my girls...we trampled through leaf strewn roads and soft ground...we climbed trees and touched hearts...we touched the divine...It was perfect...

The poem below I penned quickly so as not to ever forget this perfect day...

"We Walked..."

We walked side by side...

One tall two small...

Leaves chasing our heels...wind blowing away cares...

We walked...

Stick in hand of the littlest...

Thoughts in head of the oldest...

Gratefulness in my heart for this...moment...

We walked...

Trees beckoning to be climbed...

We heeded...

Tall on it's branches we climbed and stood...

We paused...

Stories of the old tree beneath us...

We dreamed...

Connection of spirit to spirit...

We paused...

Drawn back to our legs...

Thoughts of our home...

Scampered down we did...

Then we walked...

Stopping to twirl in the road...

Mental pictures I took...

Filled with Joy unspeakable...

We walked...

One day I will be less than I am today...

They will hold my hand to steady me...

We will remember this day of dreams and youth...

And we will walk...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

The First Picture of Grace

I find the love of God to be so perplexing and amazing all at the same time...

I fight to be clean enough to gain it...

Then, I ultimately shun it through my humanity...

I draw close...I run away...

But the closer I grow to Him...I realize the depth...cliche as it may sound....the depth of this God love...

Reading in Genesis this morning, I read the story of the forbidden fruit. God clearly told Adam and Eve "Eat of the fruit and you will surely die."

Surely die.

Not maybe.

Not possibly.

Surely.

Then we see the story play out as Eve is so drawn by what she cannot have that she partakes of the fruit...inviting Adam to indulge with her. They partake...become aware of their nakedness and humanity...and thus the first story of humanity running from God begins.

Yet...God.

This "Surely you will die" God...paints the very first picture of grace.

I can't believe I never caught this before...check it out.

So God has warned Adam and Eve that should they eat the fruit they will die. Yet he comes to them...calls out to them in the garden...and talks to them...calls them out of their hiding place.

This all powerful Creator of humanity...able to create another obedient Adam and and Eve and demolish the first set...talks to them.

He relates to them.

He corrects them.

God allows them to have scars and further pain that will remind them to not eat of the forbidden again...

YET...they DO NOT DIE.

Grace. Unmerited love and favor.

Grace.

God has been painting His love and grace since the beginning of the world. Did Adam and Eve eventually die? Sure. But He extended grace to those wayward children and loved them through the pain  they created for Him.

Rather than exercising His word to kill these wayward children...God first relates to them...explains to them...corrects them...THEN continues to love them...

Blows my mind.

Excites my soul. 

Spurns me to grasp it further, spread it farther, engage it deeper. 

God. LOVES. Me. 

Enough to put up with sin since the garden so He could meet me...caress my soul...engage me...and walk with me...

I plan to get the word out today of this God love...not in the form of tracts and free Bibles...but in lunches with growing child disciples...in smiles at the grocery store...in practiced presence with Him...

I pray I can engage someone to feel this God love...

With Joy and light to the earth...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Rambles...

Confession: This blog will be a random post of thoughts and happenings. I cannot be held liable as my brain is overstimulated. 

I find myself drawn to study monks and nuns these days. Yep I said it...monks and nuns. I am quite intrigued by their commitments to the committed life of stability through spirituality. I think we often think of nuns and monks as "those who can't have sex". But it doesn't seem to bother them. They transcend into this marriage with Jesus that utterly thrills them. Strange? Or Greatness? While theologically, I don't subscribe to all their beliefs, I find the serenity they have found very soothing...God like even...unencumbered by the entanglements of this world and it's draining power...they ascend to bliss maybe? Or do they? I'm not sure...but I will search it out. This week as I was finishing a 12 hour shift to go home and study I thought of how great a weekend retreat in "silence" would be at a monastery...Hmmm...more to come on that one...

I heard tonight on Oprah's life class..."Your inner life is your real life." I believe it. More than ever. As I descend more and more into periods of time with only myself, I find the stability that comes out of relationship with God and oneself. It cannot be priced. Yet it's painful and lonely. Hmm...yep more to come on that one too...

Beginning "Home Tonight: Further Reflections on The Parable of the Prodigal Son" by Henri Nouwen. Nouwen is a priest that suffered a mental breakdown...this book was written during his breakdown and healing in solitude for 9 months. I find it fascinating already and it kinda goes along with points one and two of this blog: Do those in solitude have a special bond with God? Or do they have breakdowns too? Also, it seems Nouwen wrote a fantastic spiritual piece during a breakdown in solitude after he faced his own humanity...I like it.

Lastly, church today felt like a symphony within my soul. I hadn't been able to attend in three weeks and I was saturated with God and his disciples. We need community. Plain and Simple. We need Him. Plain and simple. Both are utterly delightful. I'm a grateful girl. 

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Living Led...

I drive tired...yet it all feels worth it. Nights away from the babes...squeals of joy as I come in the door...lunches together at school on off days...it all seems very very worth it.
I learned a long time ago from my Father that life must be led...with a stiff upper lip...and I did this for a while...incorrectly...all angst and black and white...full of answers to questions I had not lived...

Now...I know how to live life led...but it's so different than what I had originally conjured in my inexperienced mind...

Led life must be gentle...accepting...born through hard work and experiences...sometimes broken...

Led life requires laying my heart on the throne while driving to work at 5:00 am...gasping at my own thoughts and desires...gently leading my beating mass away from angst and "rights"...to a place of peaceful acceptance of His gloriousness in my life...

Led life...it's a whisper...a gentle tapping in the dark as I drift off...it's examining my baby girl's hand and making mental pictures...praying for what they will one day touch...

Led life conquers me through presence...It's the only way to remain empty of myself...and I often fail it...

Led life requires conscious choices again and again...to choose wisely for the eternal...what will last...I sometimes want out...

But then I am drawn again to the tree...hewn and made rough into a cross...that my lover died upon so I might be present...that I might smile at a stricken family in the hospital....that I might caress my child in times of heartache...that I might deposit into the hurt world ever so gently...one smile...one accepting love...one nurturing moment at a time...

I'm drawn again to run my hand against the splinters that tore His life asunder on this cross...and gave me mine...

I am led...

Nail scarred hands...I am led...deep and quietly...to accept that I am in a passageway to the eternal...forever depositing or removing from this life...and what to deposit or remove?

Delight or dilema?


Acceptance or fear?


Joy or hatred?


Praise or blame?


Meekness or spirited words that injure?

All can be deposited or removed by my minute walk through the passageway...

Undone by these moments and choices...I am led to Him again and again...to choose love that knows no bounds...to choose peace that literally transforms....

Led to delight in what others find mundane and attainable...I am undone...

Forever searching...forever striving for pieces of the eternal on the planet of the temporary...I am undone...

He leads me...I follow...gently as I learn more and more how to be led in the passageway...

Tree rough and bloody always in my sight...as I tread the passageway to eternity determined to step lightly yet leave my footprint...

I live led.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Raising Gentle Women...

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)

I am currently living in one bedroom of my parents home with my two girls...

We share a bed...

We share a closet...

We share a bathroom with my mom (God love her patient heart)...

There are days...Oh there are days...where my "gentleness" runs a muck and my patience runs short...

You see, when you live in one bedroom with desks, books for three, toys, clothing, bean bags, etcetera...It gets messy IN FIVE MINUTES...which severely disarms me...

I want to scream...I want my apartment back...I want to run...

Then we head out to the pumpkin patch...and I look at these moments...

I sit back in the hay and take in every moment...these babes...my little women...are growing long in limbs and strong in heart...time is escaping me...

I have measured moments to love them...instruct them...know them...they will be gone sooner than later...

And once they are gone to fly into their destinies..I will have time to wash socks and reminisce of the moments we developed as a family...I will have time to remember how I chose gentleness over impatience...and I will be ever so glad...

Thank you God for bringing this verse to my over packed inbox this morning...and reminding me that our lives are vapors...that gentle women raise gentle girls who turn into gentle women...and that NOTHING...not school, jobs, and single parenthood override Motherhood...

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)

Being a Mother, is my greatest fulfillment and joy...and keeping that at the forefront of my days...keeps me sane and gentle....

Today I will wash 4 loads of clothes...study in between...go to lunch with my girls at school...cook dinner...clean up our room (AGAIN)...and love every moment that I'm afforded to do it with a grateful heart...Because you see...when I had the apartment and storage...I couldn't leave work to go to school functions as much as I'd like...there were no after school pickups...I was not afforded the luxury of engaging in their day to day childhood experiences as I am now...

All choices require change and commitment to the goal...I'm preparing for a more simple life with my Luvs...vocationally I will be able to spend more time with them and deposit into their day to day activities...THIS...this is priceless and worth every struggle...

When I send them off on their own, I fully intend to have vault of memories and a knowledge that we spent our days in joy...not busyness...angst...or regret...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Intentional Fulfillment...

Sun streamed crops across the landscape...
Children enjoying breakfast on the "good" china...
Sounds of wind blowing through trees...
Bicycles thrown on lawns from quick escapes...
My rocking chair in the early morn doused in sun and Him...

These are the places I feel most fulfilled...I find fulfillment can come when you least expect it...in the places you never thought you would find such depths of soul understanding...

I sit in my rocking chair engulfed with nature and solitude...I am completely fulfilled. God whispers in this space of green and yellow...He has no need to shout...
I listen quick...it's easier when the only distraction is bird calls and rustlings amongst the foliage...

I am again reminded we do not require much to sustain us yes...but moreover we do not need much to fulfill us...
Simplicity enlightens...strips...encourages fundamental relationship...with children...with family...with Him...

In simplicity, I am propelled to make more of these moments happen...and I find that the only real way to make them happen is to live this way in the other 23 hours leading up to this one...simplicity requires preparation once imparted...

It's saying no to "stuff" not needed that crowds my spaces...
It's saying yes to "outside play" with children and pets...
It's saying yes to "solitude" even when uncomfortable...
It's saying no to a lifestyle of "more" and "better"...
It's yes to "need" no to "want"...
It's discernment of "important" and "needless"...

It's where I find myself full...sated...filled with the majesty of the present...no past...no looming future...only now....

Filled with joy and wonderment...I am pure soul...disentangled from world and worry...I am free in this place.

I am learning that for me, "intentional living" is making the sacred happen. It is orchestrating my mornings...my evenings...to encapsulate the beautiful in the mundane...

Crops in sunlight discussed with babes...afternoons soaking in fresh air...saying no to what is told will fulfill me to encourage the real essences of beauty that truly do...

We really have need of little more than Him, community, and nature...at some point the other elements become contrived...

These elements are fulfilling when enjoyed sparingly and intermittently...but true fulfillment is found in the depths of creation...in life...in the living...not man created....

We all need to enjoy some fulfillments of man...after all, I'm out in nature writing on my mac...drinking my coffee brewed...

We can do this though...we can move outside a culture of more and busy to capture the essence of intentional living...sharing the space of our lives with Him, others, and nature...

We just have to intentionally respond and create the space....

Grace n Peace,

A ~