I got nothin' yawl.

As I type this my daughter is dancing around my room in just her underwear with a monkey doll dressed in full garb including glasses, singing at the top of her lungs...I'm pretty sure I haven't peed all night alone and I might be losing my mind...
Such is life right?
I've been itching to write lately...it starts out as an itch then turns into a full blown rash that should I not scratch it I go insane...
But I ain't got nothin'.
I'm not loving life today. My husband is 500 miles away. My children....God love them...require raising...
Sleep? Doesn't that sound lovely with 5 am clinical risings...
My job is so stupid I want to scream...
I'm pretty sure I've had no real nutrition in weeks...and by God I want one day of unadulterated nothingness..

I want to feel deeply sorry for myself...It just feels SO right...Heck...I'm earning it during this season...

So I run and get taco bell for the children...run inside slam the bathroom door...run the water...climb in...ignore all calls...and cry...that ugly cry where you lay your head on the side of the tub and feel so sorry for yourself because you're life is so hard and you're so tired and NO ONE..not even those starving children in Africa are as crazed and spent as you...

Then I remember the line in my reading today..."Self-pity is a form of Self Righteousness..." Ugh. Blah. Shut. Up. Jesus. Yeah I said it. He knows I thought it...LET ME WALLOW.

I sit up straighter in the tub and try to cry some more but realize that I can't...because should I...I'm not giving my life away...I'm not surrendering fully to Him...I just can't do that...I can't NOT claw my way back to Him...

Bethel begins to sing..."...cause you are just a breath away" and I realize all over again...He really is.

I admit. Right now it's only a realization. I don't "FEEL" it...but I "KNOW" it...that's enough tonight...

I re-commit to be cool. To be grateful. And to stop and listen to LaLa through the wall talking and singing in a British accent at the top of her lungs...

Then I hug Syd and call my husband...

It ain't all bad yawl ;-)