I'm about to dance the Behayseus out of life...

It's a farce really...this whole "stay in the moment and it won't pass you by" movement.

It's passed and is passing me by.

The girl. The big one. She's just that: Big.

I'm frightened by it. Reminded that my time is running out. I actually shuddered about it today.

Shuddered.

When I breathed her in after picking up a bigger, more self attuned, more *shudder mature girl at camp...I shuddered.

She didn't see and I didn't breathe a word because kids are like dogs don't you know...they smell anxiety and fear...so I kept sipping my Starbucks really coolly...

But. I shuddered.

I looked at the long limbs sprawled sleeping in the passenger seat and I swear if she would have asked for an albino west Parisian Rhino I would have moved Heaven and Europe to get it for her.

I find aging to be enthralling. Liberating. Exciting. Scary as hell.

Because as my children grow...I'm faced with the age old adage that I'm indeed growing with them. I'm faced with the indisputable fact that while I am quite the worker towards goals, it is only true and fair that I recognize there will be some that I'll never have the time to meet.

For a go getter...that's scary.

I have a petulant persistent fear that my very best of comrades know about: I'm afraid of ending up in a boring, sameness life.

Aging into the crazy cat lady that never reaches other lands and never holds hands and never looks upon anything other than her yard and library books.

However, It struck me today that I'll probably be so dang busy living that I'll look up and be on my way to Jesus before I figure out my life is over.

I certainly hope so.

I stay reminded that life is what we make it. Life is what we focus on.

Life is finitely impossible to predict, plan or make promises to...We must follow it's lead but certainly are invited to dance along.

Waltzing away, as Mary Oliver so eloquently puts it, "A bride married to amazement"...

Realizing we're never quite in control...but we're also never alone. That's the beauty of the dance.

Forever intertwined, we waltz with our finiteness...with our fallibility...with our eternal selves...

This. This is what makes the waltz of life so incredibly appealing. If the music never died would we appreciate it? If the leader never threatened to end the dance and choose another partner, would we realize how wonderful the steps He floats and dips us through truly are?

I think not.

I choose to believe it's the beautiful slow let down of life that makes it most beautiful. The knowing that we're all headed for a supreme destination and our bodies will all ultimately forsake us.

(Even the really toned, tanned ones. I digress.)

Because it's in the moments where I feel a tug of nostalgia, that I am reminded to savor the moments of life. To listen a little closer to my Daddy's words...to hug my mom before I leave...to call my brother back and listen to his laugh...to cry in sweet communion with my best friend over depths shared while 5 children come undone behind us...to remember her in THIS moment at THIS height and THIS gangly age...

THESE moments...THESE snapshots will be the encapsulation of my existence on this planet...THIS is what I will have fought for...worked for...dreamed after...and I want to remember...I want it to be worth it...I want it all to have mattered...if only to me and one long limbed growing girl and her beautiful dirty sidekick of a sis...

That could never be boring and sameness. Boom. Take that life.

 

Grace n Peace,

A ~

lest you think my life is all sunshine...

I am writing this strictly because I want you mama's...ladies...women...to know you're not alone. Those of you that converse with me and talk about how positive I am...I wanted you to know...

I fell the last two weeks.

Bad.

I lost my shine. I lost my way. I fell.

I fell into a big black hole.

I screamed at my kids. I sat in the car long after it was turned off and stared out. I ate dill pickle chips and candy for lunch. 

I have injustices in my life just like you all. Real injustices that tear at the threads of my heart and are quite unfair.

Injustices that make people say "Oh...honey...I'm so sorry. It's going to get better." (which I hate and appreciate all at the same time...because it affronts my pride and what I know...it might not "get better" in ways others think.)

But with all this...I also won.

I'd gotten so used to being on top. So used to being "together". So used to being a "teachable" mom to my kids and avoiding conflict. I was riding high.

Then out of nowhere I got knocked off my invisible top and had to decide what to do in the lowlands. It took me a couple of weeks. But I decided.

Worship.

My circumstances and response to them brought me once again to the altar. They brought me to my own human frailty and the ability to fall into despair, whining, and self pity at any given moment...

And as Kyle Idleman says "Whining in many ways, is the opposite of worshiping the Lord." Aha.

Whining is not my style. My kids will tell you their kooky mom screams out at the curb "Be shiny! Not whiny!" And honestly I didn't really whine the last two weeks (except to my dearest...you know who you are) outwardly...

That's because I'm a cave dweller...I burrow...I don't answer the phone...I ignore life and hide when I'm verging on not good things...so you'll never know I struggle...

But one cannot burrow from God.

I was whining in head prayers...my thoughts...I allowed myself a few days to wallow...then I just kept doing what I know to do.

I stopped screaming.

I ran.

I ate well.

I engaged.

And finally it happened. He broke through and I heard him loud and clear: Worship Me.

Yes. It's unfair.

Yes. Your load is heavy.

Yes. It's not what you expected.

Yes. You don't know how to make it all happen.

Yes. I am here.

Yes. This is holy ground.

Yes. I will be with you to till the end.

Yes. You ARE that positive, loving woman.

Yes. It's just a day. Get up. Worship.

As simple as that...He reminded me again that it all comes down to one principle in this life: Live your life in worship to Him. 

No other gods...including self-pity...before Him. 

He will take care of the rest. 

You will live in plenty even if you have less than what others deem enough. 

Worship.

He is good. All the time He is good.

So...for those of you who ask me how I do it...I don't.

I cling. He does it. 

And on occasion...I fall flat like a whining brat...and I learn all over again...

How to stand on shaky legs supported by the Savior...

Worship. 

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Ode to Groceries

...I used to dream...while in my parent's house...of buying my own groceries again...
plump, juicy tomatoes...rich from the garden...at the local farmers market...
I thought to myself...if I can just have that...I would be filled...
...my cupboards...though filled by budget and strings...house my groceries...
fresh, whole foods...ripe from the season...groceries...
I almost missed the blessing moment...the minute where I realize fruition...
...but then dish water and suds struck a cord...and I glanced about...with wet hands...
I have my own groceries...
And I am thankful.

Mundane Makes Me (Raw version)

(Disclaimer; I'm writing this more for myself than anyone else as a remembrance...and I'm coming off 36 hours of work and exhaustion is an understatement. Not editing. Just raw.)

God...you amaze me. I often think you will show me great visions of your plan in burning bushes and relevant prophets...then you choose an invalid. Even as I type this I cannot help but weep.

I had a moment that will forever change me. Unexpected. After the most horrific day; moment. I didn't see it coming...it was in a dark nursing hall room with someone the world would say has nothing to offer me but time...and I was forever changed.
I had lost my cool with a friend earlier...I had been standing for 12 hours...I thought I might lose my mind...and still it happened. That moment.
Spirit connection...as I squatted down and listened to the spirituals with Him...our hearts became one...right in the middle of my med pass...spirit communing with spirit...we listened...we shared...and He said "I knew we were special...I couldn't figure out why...now I know...Jesus...I can tell you really love Him..." My heart. I cried. Looked him in the eye and cried. We were encouraged. We made a vow to pray for another's struggles every day. It was Spirit. It was Divine. It could have been missed.
I'm still crying. My precious friend. Incapacitated yet he poured into me and I Him. I was changed. I was infused with Holy Calling...to the small...those deemed "palliative" not "purposeful"...those the world says "keep comfortable"not "what can they offer"...
I was humbled. Torn and shredded in the most beautiful way. Reminded of my prayers whispered to be Him in the world...and an Aha...that whole "I want to make a difference thing" becomes real when I'm faced with the brutal question "Do you?" Because you might end up in a nursing home on your feet weekend after weekend with this man for 32 hours for that one moment...do you really want to make a difference? Is the hard work, exhaustion, frustration, sacrifice really worth it like you say it is?  I've been educated in the last 3 years...that the moments I envisioned the great prophets of old and the new trailblazers of the present, have spoken of are minuscule in terms of the work and mundane behind them. Oh I'm sure there are those who live one exciting tale to the next (God knows with my ADD self I'd love to be one of them) but the majority of us find His moments between long pockets of waiting, walking, and wishing for more. My aha taught me that there IS calling in this season. I was filled with blessed assurance and fed deeply in soul ravines that threatened to run dry from lack of rain. I must put in the work...I must not miss the mundane...the mundane makes me. Centers me. Sometimes threatens me. But produces me.
If He chooses this path for me forever (and honestly I hope He doesn't), I'll walk it every day like I did yesterday...praying for strength to rise above and shine on those I can, remembering Jesus' words and actions on earth...He walked the mundane...gave well past his wall of exhaustion...and often sat with those the world deemed "gone"...Yet we celebrate His life as so exciting...could it be that Jesus had many mundane moments looking from the outside in? Could it be his feet and legs could barely move after walking and standing and teaching? Could it be he wanted bigger, more exciting things in that desert than starving for 40 days and just resisting the devil? Did Jesus have to live in the mundane too and learn to let it produce Him? Have we possibly, just possibly over excited the days of Jesus and forgotten that He was just a man? And He too dealt with keeping the heart of God in an earthen, limited body and had to relegate that with his dreams for greater every day? Have we underestimated the power of the stories we DON'T read in the New Testament...the ones where Jesus went to bed tired and got up more tired...yet got up anyway...and went about the daily tasks of life? Jesus knows my heart and how it longs to travel Africa and do those things our culture deems magical...yet I'm quite sure when I arrive...more mundane would be there to greet me...He also knows my heart in the mundane because He walked it...on tired, swollen feet He also walked it...and He experienced miracles,   unexpected highs, and forever changing moments. But in between all those things...there had to have been mundane. And He did it. Choosing fruit off trees rather than meat at the wealthy friends table...knowing He had something so priceless within but choosing to allow that priceless God to present however He deemed fit...with field or fancy table...with prostitute and tax collector...liberal and pharisee...invalid and possessed...One. Mundane Act after Another. 
And so I will, for the moments sake, trust the mundane in my life. Because in that perspective, the mundane becomes holy. I want to be holy.

I've fallen out of love...

I've fallen out of love with falling in love.

I've rather fallen in love with life instead.

There was a time in my life where I couldn't imagine a life without romantic entanglement and tangled sheets...

Tide turned. I lept and lept big for me...lept ALONE...shudder

Tide brought me to me. It's not every one's God path...it has been mine.

It crept up on me...when I was not chasing it. Workin' hard and chasin' dreams...that old thing called love. It caught up to me. I fell in love. With MY life.

Wearing an exquisite perfume sample on my wrist...I feel love and pleasure in it...

Window exalts the tree outside that is in full bloom...I feel ecstasy and beauty...

Listening to the sweetest little sad love song...doesn't sadden me a bit...I don't feel slighted anymore...I feel lucky...blessed rather...

I'm in no romantic relationship. I feel just fine about that. Rather...I feel great.

I've found life I think. I've found love I think. I've found peace I think.

I might fall in love tomorrow. I might not.

Good news is...I'm already in love.

I'm not alone. I'm surrounded in love. In more ways than I could view when younger and desperate for affirmation...

I'm surrounded by emotional opulence...

When my Daddy asks me over coffee, "Are you happy?"... I pause...my natural reaction is to think I'm not with a life that looks different than my peers...and I say "Yes. Yes I am." It's true.

Contentment is great gain. Dreaming again is being in love. I'm in love...very different this time around. ;-)

Grace n Peace,

A ~

We lit the candle at breakfast today...to remind us of our Vision...to be light of the world...

Breakfast burritos and fruity pebbles...not the stuff of the high tea that I imagine "ladies" dine on at breakfast...

I've been up before them...wrestling in His presence...reading aloud to Him...splaying my heart open and asking for this day's guidance...

There is a thought...a theme the last couple of weeks I cannot shake...stirring with me...

I want to be...a lady...

I want to raise...ladies...

I'm reading "Girls with Swords" by Lisa Bevere. She is definitely what I would call a lady. But she fights. For all the right things...she's passionate...willing to say what needs to be said...in a ladylike way. I like it.

I'm also reading "The Power of Your Words" by Robert Morris. Digesting...that every word...every tiny or large utterance is counted...there are no idle words...

I am stirred within my spirit to renegotiate my words...my actions...my thoughts...
I am stirred to be different...in a world where women are indistinguishable in their behavior from men...
I am stirred to be deeply feminine in my gestures...verbiage...dress...

I admit...I've had to repent for some actions...ask for a new deposit of gentleness and gracefulness...

My path requires strength...a lot of strength...in many ways I've been placed in the arena of men by necessity...

Breadwinner...spiritual leader...Father and Mother...

I find that it propels me to be reactionary...ready for movement at all times...and unduanting...

In this process...I can become too strong...too direct...too much...

I then have to go back to the throne...as I did today...and ask Him to be my Father...my Breadwinner...my Spiritual Leader...

You see I'm not ashamed of my strength...it's the path God has called me to...but I will be ashamed if it I walk it with the wrong shoes and arrive with blisters rather than vigor...

So I constantly stay in the word and splay myself before him so He might illuminate my worldliness...my careless words...the days where I speak before I think...

I want to be of quiet strength...I want to be a lady...

I believe in the power of the lady...

I am raising ladies...and as with any other out of the norm occurrence these days...you must work on being ladylike...for our society is not producing such character any longer...all you must do is look around and see the value placed on pornography...physical beauty...and the ability to keep up with the boys to see our society has changed...

I'm not interested in changing. I'm not interested in raising women who fit in.

I want to be a lady. I want to raise ladies.

So...after my prayers...we again negotiated between our triplicate who God says we are...what is "ladylike" to our Creator...we prayed...we gathered up our school bags and headed out to shine our lights...

We will do it all again tomorrow...and the next...but for today, we took time to step back into our rightful place in the kingdom...

As Ladies...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Multiple Personality Mandy

I'm an extrovert. I'm an introvert. I have multiple personality disorder.

I am energized by people. I'm also energized alone. I have multiple personality disorder.

These days, I'm...by necessity...spending a lot of time alone. It's difficult.

I miss my tribe at Mosaic Church in Little Rock.

I miss my God friends.

I miss my mentors.

I miss fun.

I sat down this morning during my devotionals and talked with God about it...He didn't talk back audibly...but He impressed fortitude into my soul...

This is a season. The doors He has opened for this period in my life have led me to this exact place. He has a plan.

I'm reading "Girls with Swords" by Lisa Bevere right now and came across this line today..."If we are to follow their example (heroes of the faith), we must become farsighted."

We must look past the current season and recognize our future...smile...wave at it...then get back to the business of today.

I've lived long enough to know that every season is preparatory...essential for the next...and God ordained. I've also learned to be content in the current season. It's really really not easy to do when it's more work than fun.

But I do trust Him. I believe I will not always work all weekend and miss my community of God Lovers...I believe I will not always be slaving away at school...I believe better days are ahead for my extrovert side. It will happen. Know why?

He created me. Exactly as I am. Multiple personality disorder and all.

Right now...He's feeding my introvert. He's feeding my soul. He is building my reserves for the future I just waved and winked at in the distance. He knows what I need.

Who knows...in the next season I might be so filled with fun and people my inner introvert will be crying out for space...and then you'll have to hear about that!

What season are you in? What are you longing for that is absent?

Trust Him today. Seasons are not forever...but they do prepare the soil for the next chapter.

Keep diggin'...Keep wavin'...

Grace n Peace,

A ~