Welcome to My Royally Wrecked Space to Chill...



I hope you find comradery...I hope you find peace....I hope you find joy...I hope you find acceptance...I hope you feel loved...I hope you know that your are precious...chosen...and always welcome here...come sit a spell...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Bits of Beautiful.


I feel as my body is slowed by physical weights to tiring to lift...
Eyes blurry I drive in the dark...
I am entering my 4th 12 hour shift in a row and my body screams "Stop!"...
I drive on...

His Word pours through my speakers and I do my best to soak it in...
While hazy, I drive over the river bridge...my favorite...
Only a few weeks ago He spoke to me on this bridge...
It was a hard day...I was in gratefulness...spoken...when He breathed "I will always provide you with beauty"...

I am reminded of this promise as I drive hard in the dark.

"I will always provide you with beauty."

Stairs are climbed and I say my hellos as I settle in to the shift...
I down caffeine and try my best to seem chipper though I feel weighted...
Then I see it...
A Bit of Beauty...

I stand looking out the solarium drinking water from Styrofoam and I see it...
Beauty...
It strikes me...His promise.
Today.
His promise.
In this life moment of wrecked tired and humbled heart...Beauty.
Sky pink and birds flying in a sequential pattern...Beauty.

"I will ALWAYS give you beauty."


I place cup down. Say grateful whispers then grab my phone...
Bits of beauty...I get it Lord...
You give me beauty...in bits sometimes...in grand landscapes in others...
You keep your promises.

I am peaceful in the bits.

Bits of beautiful is His way of reminding me..."You are mine. You are special enough for pink skies and birds. I am with you. Though you must suffer and trek on...I. Am. With. You. In every sunrise...In every flying sparrow...In every friend...In every baby girl kiss...In every revelation...I. Am. With. You."

Bits of Beautiful.

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Yes...God DOES speak through "The Runaway Bunny"...



We're spring breakin' this week...5 kids and 3 parents...quite a tribe...
I've had moments this week when I looked at my 9 year old and realized...
She's fleeting...



I'm only cool behind closed doors...
I'm embarrassing with my outgoingness...
"No pictures please..."
It's enough to break a mom down...



All this reminds me of the finiteness of us all...
That we truly link eyelash to eyelash and our journey here is over...
We will awaken to worn out bodies, minds, and old children...
It's enough to break a woman down...



I'm with our youngest tonight...He's 2...
We read "The Runaway Bunny"...
As I read to him, I couldn't help but feel as if God was reading the story to me...
He was depositing love to me...



No matter how big our children become...
No matter how old our bodies grow...
No matter how many times end so new can begin...
One thing remains for eternity...His Love...and wow...Is it good...



I hope you enjoy this as much as I did...(believe me...you're not too cool to for this love story)


The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown


Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.
So he said to his mother, “I am running away.”
“If you run away,” said his mother, “I will run after you.
For you are my little bunny.”


“If you run after me,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a fish in a trout stream 
and I will swim away from you.”


“If you become a fish in a trout stream,” said his mother,
“I will become a fisherman and I will fish for you.”


“If you become a fisherman,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a rock on the mountain, high above you.”


“If you become a rock on the mountain high above me,”
said his mother, “I will become a mountain climber,
and I will climb to where you are.”


“If you become a mountain climber,”
said the little bunny,
“I will be a crocus in a hidden garden.”


“If you become a crocus in a hidden garden,”
said his mother, “I will be a gardener. And I will find you.”


“If you are a gardener and find me,”
said the little bunny, “I will be a bird
and fly away from you.”


“If you become a bird and fly away from me,”
said his mother, “I will be a tree that you come home to.”


“If you become a tree,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a little sailboat,
and I will sail away from you.”


“If you become a sailboat and sail away from me,”
said his mother, “I will become the wind
and blow you where I want you to go.”


“If you become the wind and blow me,” said the little bunny,
“I will join a circus and fly away on a flying trapeze.”


“If you go flying on a flying trapeze,” said his mother,
“I will be a tightrope walker,
and I will walk across the air to you.”


“If you become a tightrope walker and walk across the air,”
said the bunny, “I will become a little boy
and run into a house.”


“If you become a little boy and run into a house,”
said the mother bunny, “I will become your mother
and catch you in my arms and hug you.”


“Shucks,” said the bunny, “I might just as well
stay where I am and be your little bunny.”


And so he did.
“Have a carrot,” said the mother bunny.


Grace n Peace,


A ~

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Talking Donkeys and Maya Angelou

One of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou goes something like this:

"When someone shows themselves to you...believe them the FIRST time."

Admittedly, it has taken me a long time to learn how to live this out. I still haven't really "gotten" this wisdom. But I find with each passing year, each journey behind me, "riding on the back of every mistake" as one poem said, I find this playing out in my life more and more.

Maya was teaching Oprah that once a person reveals their truest self to you (and it's negative, evil, bitter, etc.)...don't go back for more...learn THAT lesson the first time.

I try to apply this wisdom to lessons that God tries to teach me. One of my prayers has been "God don't make me crash and burn over the same fault over and over. Give me wisdom to see the sin, mistake, etc. and let me learn the lesson the FIRST time."

As I started reading this morning about Balaam and his donkey, I was reminded of this principle. Balaam takes off on his donkey to apparently go somewhere to do something God does not want him to do. He, like me at times, is blind to the fact that he is headed down a dangerous pathway.  God sends an angel to stand in the middle of his pathway, but only the donkey (or other preferable names) can see the angel. When the donkey tries to turn around, Balaam beats the poor animal. They continue on. Down the wrong path. Angel appears to the donkey again...blocking his path...Balaam is still blind to his own stupidity of this wrong pathway...He beats the donkey mercilessly. Third time, the donkey sees the angel and cannot get past him, so he squeezes against the wall and crushes Balaam's foot. Balaam is enraged and begins to beat the animal again...but this time the Lord opens the donkey's mouth. Mr. Donkey cries out "Why are you beating me? Haven't I always been good to you? Do I not look out for you?" (my words)

As Balaam begins to argue with the donkey, God opens his eyes and he finally sees the angel.

God's angel says "Why have you beaten your donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me. The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times. If it had not turned away, I would certainly have killed you by now, but I would have spared it."(Numbers 22:32-33)

Balaam realizes the donkey has been trying to protect him from his wrong path and choices...He repents and is turned right on his wrong road.

I find it so interesting that God used something beloved (donkey) of Balaams...something he trusted...to try to stop his wrong decision...thrice...

God often tries to show me something or someone through a trusted friend, a mentor, His word...yet I continue on my little journey of selfish endeavors until He shows me the third (and painful) time.

I believe God was telling us through Balaam's story...learn your lessons the FIRST time. I believe He says to us, "When I show you something or someone is not my plan for you...believe me the first time. Stop. Repent. Turn around. There is no need for you to be injured before you learn this lesson."

God wants us to "get" the lesson before He has to injure us to get our attention.

I'm grateful for many things in this story...grateful he keeps pursuing us even when he has to break us to get our attention...I'm wrecked over the goodness that He is limitless in his pursuit of us in our sin...I'm grateful He shows us that we can choose His path the first time and learn this discipline to save ourselves and others the heartache of repeat mistakes and wrong paths...

God of the talking donkey...pretty cool. 

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Between the living and the dead...

I've been riveted by one verse...

Numbers 16:48 "He stood between the living and the dead, and the plague stopped."

Moses was dealing with the sons of Korah who had risen up against he and Aaron with 250 other men...
God was fed up with their shenanigans...
In His anger, the Lord says he will "put an end to them at once"...
The earth splits apart and all 250 evil men fall into this cavern...

Shortly after...the Israelites begin to complain that Moses and Aaron have "killed the Lord's people".
God is angered...He tells Moses and Aaron to get out of the way so He can deal with these ungrateful people...Moses and Aaron...
They fall on their face...

Moses instructs Aaron to run to the altar and take coals...to provide incense to cover the people...Aaron goes throughout the people with incense trying to save their lives...many died...but many were saved...simply because Moses and Aaron had courage before the Lord...

They STOOD between the living and the dead. Created a barrier.

I find this subject immensely interesting...this courage with God. I think we walk around so scared to ask for Justice (even for those who don't deserve it) that we forget God can be prevailed upon...

He listens...
To those whose fall on their face...
Aaron and Moses were not running around shouting...making a big stink...
They fell on that their faces...an act of humble submission and courage...
They saved many...simply by not allowing God to forget their people...through requests and conversations with God...on their faces...

Beautiful....

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Moses showed us How to StopKONY...

StopKony. Stop. At. Nothing.


I have to tell you I have been so amazed at the beauty of humanity while watching this campaign go viral over the last week. Never did I think people would take this on and really become a community committed to seeing Joseph Kony captured and innocent children set free from their oppressor.

I've followed and supported Invisible Children for a couple of years. When I received the video this week via email, I was broken. Wrecked. Appalled at the thought of the mothers whose children have been made into murderers...rapists...prostitutes...
I cannot imagine...

As Jacob's sobs filled my room from the video my heart wrenched inside my chest...the least of these...so cliche...the least of these....I committed in that moment to doing all I could to get the word out about StopKony. It definitely feels like I've done nothing. I think that's where we fail. We think our "something" is "nothing" so we quit before we start.

I have always lived...well...not afraid...OK let me rephrase that...I have fears...yet I possess the ability from God to push through and do what needs to be done in the face of them. My stumbling block is follow through...pure old ADD take it all on follow through. I'm AWFUL at it.

I'm great at heart...I'm ALL HEART...I bleed for every story I hear...will give every dollar I have...and would pick up and move to Uganda TOMORROW...Heart...

But I find my failure is to stick with commitments long term...not relationships (my friends are stuck like glue to my heart)...not motherhood (My kids get my best)...not work or school...but I tend to plunge off into heart projects and try to save the world...forgetting that I'm pretty well busy saving my two little loves with God and trying to keep us all fed and clothed...thus...I quit before I really get started because I cannot do the "thing" 279% instead of what I have to give...

I've been reading through Numbers this week in my daily readings and I've become so very very impressed with the life of Moses. You've got this dude that can't speak...He lives his whole life thinking he is of royal lineage and finds out he is a peasant like the rest of us...He is a murderer...A coward...He is well...US...

Yet, with all this...with all these failings, obstacles, and pictures to bring one's self esteem to it's knees...I see a man that repeatedly converses with God in a very vulnerable, powerful, transparent way...a way I definitely strive for and long for in my lifetime...

I see a man that brings judgement on 250 men that would not heed His God...I see a man that repeatedly throws himself toward God for the needs of his people...I see a man that no matter what his weaknesses are...is incredibly used and loved by God...over and over and over...

Then it clicks for me...I'm a Moses. We ALL are Moses'.


I'm a screwed up, stuttering, failing, all out loving God, heart wrecked for His people...MOSES.


And God loves that. He uses that.


God doesn't expect my 279%. He does expect my all. He does expect my heart. He does expect my conversations. But better than expect...He adores my vulnerable, stuttering words to Him...He adores me....and when He adores me...I have his ear. I have his attention. I know his heart. I'm able to follow his heart issues even if I don't follow as well as someone else...I'm following. Even if I can't traipse off to Uganda tomorrow to rescue children because I'm raising beautiful children here...He's using that. It's a beautiful thing. I DON'T have to be perfect. Granted...I'm definitely working to be less flighty in what I commit to...but He's using my flightiness to reach out to others...so...I'll work on it...and let Him use it all at the same time...It's a beautiful thing...

StopKONY represents a beautiful picture of community rising up to do what they can for justice. This is Biblical and of God. College Students, Mothers, President, Millionaires, Children...we've all chosen to...do what we can...I really think that's where God moves...not only for us...but in us...He shows us that when we give what we have...it really is enough...just like Moses...He takes our reprobate failing hearts and uses them to save others from tragedy...it's a beautiful thing...Shalom...

Grace n Peace,

A ~

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Shalom...



Shalom...


I had the most beautiful moment of Shalom this week...I didn't know how to term it while I experienced it...


But then the next day...I read and studied Shalom...and I had an Aha...THAT was Shalom...


"The use of Shalom in the Scriptures always points towards the transcendent action of wholeness. Derived from the Hebrew root shalam - meaning to be safe or complete. Literally, translated, shalam signals to state of safety, but figuratively it points to completeness."



Hands lifted high...voice clear...I felt my spirit rise in joy and worship with my Father...
In a place I never anticipated going again...
I thought once there I would feel "less"...burdened...judged...
Yet here I stood...heart full...no one pressing me but Him...
I was so overcome with the beauty of the moment...the pure freedom that was inexplicable...it was...
Shalom...


My mother sat behind me a bit in this moment...I felt her presence...her joy with and for me...
I knew she was in full support of me...I was complete in this moment...It was tangible joy...
"Completeness"...
Shalom...


There were no worries...no "less than"...whether there were judgements I was not aware...
I was so enveloped in the life that He and I share...
I knew His love was complete in me...
That I no longer had to hang my head in self-created shame...
Shalom...


Later that evening, Laine brought this book and began to read it to me...It was beautiful...
Centered around the love of a parent to child...
"Wherever You Are, my love will find you" by Nancy Tillman encapsulated my God Shalom moment...
When I saw the picture below, It could not have symbolized how I feel with Him any better...


Shalom for me is completeness that leads to unbridled joy...
Relaxed knowing of my worth and value...
Love unattainable in this capacity anywhere else...
Happiness to the moon...
Shalom...


Grace n Peace,


A ~